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How would you remedy self hatred?

Reddit View
June 4, 2020
7 upvotes

BACKGROUND:

While self hatred may appear to be the correct response to a person who continually falls short of expectations, it doesn't actually generate any positive change. In theory punishing yourself for your shortcomings can produce self-discipline. In practice, self-hatred and punishment ultimately lead to a person becoming frustrated, then downtrodden, then impotent. Failure begets more failure, and you lose the ability to envision a way out.

Self hatred is also unglorifying to God. This GotQuestions link covers the topic quite well. To summarize:

  • Self hatred is not the attitude of a redeemed individual

  • It is resentful to the God who made us

  • It is a focusing on the past instead of striving towards our calling as Christians

  • It's rooted in a living for worldly ideals or not realizing the full nature of redemption through Christ (or both).

 

QUESTION:

My question is: How do you fix self hatred?

 

HOW IT PERTAINS TO ME:

I hate myself because I am the source of all of my problems. If you excised my brain and replaced my personality with a computer program, you would have a wildly successful individual. I can see how my choices have created the problems I now live with, but I don't appear to learn from my mistakes. I fear that I am unregenerate at my core and that my behavioral changes are merely skin deep.

I believe that a person's true nature shows itself when he is under stress. Strip away everything from a man, and the true self will be the only thing that is left. I don't like what I see when I fail or lose something I value.

I don't want self-delusion tactics that only treat symptoms. I want to treat the cause. Potential and belief are nothing without results.


Post Information
Title How would you remedy self hatred?
Author OrlandoTheAxe
Upvotes 7
Comments 22
Date 04 June 2020 03:34 AM UTC (8 months ago)
Subreddit askRPC
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/671483
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askRPC/comments/gw9e3k/how_would_you_remedy_self_hatred/
Similar Posts
Comments

[–]UpTanks3 points4 points  (6 children) | Copy

I've actually been going to a Psychologist for Anxiety for a few weeks now. In our first session it only took about 10 minutes for the Psych to figure out that it mostly stems from perfectionism and a subsequent low self-esteem.

Here's what helped me the most:

I'm much more forgiving in how I view other people I look up to. They're not perfect but I look at certain guys like they've got everything together: job, girlfriend etc. When I see them swear, watch porn or drink heaps of beers sometimes. I forgive them for those minor shortcomings and focus on the overall great blokes that they are.

The Psychologist blew my mind when she said: "Why don't you view yourself like that?"

We Christians tend to have a laser-like focus on our sin and weaknesses. While ignoring the other 90% of who we are that is awesome. This is what creates self-hatred.

Once I gave myself more leeway or 'slack in the rope', it freed me so much. And guess what? I still lift, read the word and strive for excellence. But now it's just so much more healthier because when I fail: I forgive myself and focus on the good in me.

I think this is what Jesus was referring to with: "My burden is light". I feel light in my chest, I feel alive. Heh, perhaps I feel alive in Christ.

If you excised my brain and replaced my personality with a computer program, you would have a wildly successful individual.

Orlando, the best that we can be is human. We are not robots. And we sure as hell aren't gods!

You need to accept who you are. All of it. Failures, weaknesses, flaws or whatever you want to call them. u/rocknrollchuck once said to me that: it's actually our weaknesses that other people connect with the most. (You also need to realize that God loves you (in a fatherly way) regardless of your weaknesses: Romans 5:8).

NMMNG goes into this explicitly. Not being a Nice Guy TM is not about becoming the perfect Chad. It's about drawing out who you are, being authentic and not being afraid of what other people might think or feel because of it.

Awakening the alpha within is not imitating someone else's skin/life path/game. This is a cliche, but it actually is simply accepting and being yourself without apology. Those who are truly congruent are the most powerful and attractive people in the world.

[–]OrlandoTheAxe[S] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

I agree that perfectionism and being harsh with oneself are major contributing factors, if not the base cause. I've been called out for that before by many folks who know me well.

I have been mulling over your comment and the GotQuestions link I put up, and I think that forgiving oneself basically means recognizing that Christ has forgiven you, and that if God doesn't hold your mistakes against you, you have no reason to hold them against yourself. This doesn't really take me all the way since my assurance of salvation is at a 4/10, but it's something I can work on.

 

it's actually our weaknesses that other people connect with the most.

This is an interesting take. In some ways, weakness can be an asset for discipleship. I will think on this more.

 

It's about drawing out who you are, being authentic and not being afraid of what other people might think or feel because of it.

That's probably why I haven't read it. I don't want to draw out the true self; I want to change it. The true self is broken and in need of fixing.

[–]rocknrollchuck2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

I agree that perfectionism and being harsh with oneself are major contributing factors, if not the base cause. I've been called out for that before by many folks who know me well.

No More Mr. Nice Guy addresses this:

“In general, people are not drawn to perfection in others. People are drawn to shared interests, shared problems, and an individual's life energy. Humans connect with humans. Hiding one's humanity and trying to project an image of perfection makes a person vague, slippery, lifeless, and uninteresting.”

This is why u/UpTanks quoted me, because we share commonality in our struggles. Agent Smith said this as well:

Did you know that the first Matrix was designed to be a perfect human world? Where none suffered, where everyone would be happy. It was a disaster. No one would accept the program. Entire crops were lost. Some believed we lacked the programming language to describe your perfect world. But I believe that, as a species, human beings define their reality through suffering and misery. The perfect world was a dream that your primitive cerebrum kept trying to wake up from. Which is why the Matrix was redesigned to this: the peak of your civilization.

it's actually our weaknesses that other people connect with the most.

This is an interesting take. In some ways, weakness can be an asset for discipleship. I will think on this more.

Here's my example: I used to be a daily (functional) drug user. For 23 years. God helped me quit for good, I've been clean over 12 years now. So my weakness can help people relate to me, because "Hey if God can set HIM free from drugs, maybe He can set ME free as well." If you appear perfect, most people's thoughts are "Well I can't relate to him, he doesn't struggle with things like I do." And I do still struggle with the desire occasionally to smoke a joint, kick back and tune out. That's what helps people connect with me. And that's only one example.

That's probably why I haven't read it. I don't want to draw out the true self; I want to change it. The true self is broken and in need of fixing.

You cannot change what you do not understand brother. That book is considered essential reading for a reason. I had a very difficult time with some of the Breaking Free exercises in there, no doubt you will too. But you will understand like never before. Read it, do all of the exercises, and you will likely have an "Aha!" moment.

[–]OrlandoTheAxe[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

You cannot change what you do not understand brother. That book is considered essential reading for a reason.

Sounds like I know what I need to do next. Thanks guys.

[–]Willow-girl-1 points0 points  (2 children) | Copy

We Christians tend to have a laser-like focus on our sin and weaknesses.

I would say that this is the Holy Spirit convicting us to change our ways. I'd hesitate to ignore this prompting, or to become too complacent with failure.

Are you on antidepressants by any chance? I remember a friend whose husband was depressed and was prescribed medication. This created a new problem -- he felt so good on the pills that he no longer worried about fulfilling his responsibilities, and they were about to get evicted for not paying the rent! Don't be that guy.

[–]UpTanks1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

I'm not condoning sin. What I'm saying is that we tend to only focus on our failure, and ignore the success/good in us. This is what ultimateltely leads to self hatred.

Holy spirit conviction is one thing, talking ourselves into the dirt is entirely different.

[–]Willow-girl1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

There is definitely a happy medium!

[–]Deep_Strength3 points4 points  (2 children) | Copy

Paul has a similar thought pattern in Romans

Romans 7:14 For we know that the Law is spiritual, but I am of flesh, sold into bondage to sin. 15 For what I am doing, I do not understand; for I am not practicing what I would like to do, but I am doing the very thing I hate. 16 But if I do the very thing I do not want to do, I agree with the Law, confessing that the Law is good. 17 So now, no longer am I the one doing it, but sin which dwells in me. 18 For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh; for the willing is present in me, but the doing of the good is not. 19 For the good that I want, I do not do, but I practice the very evil that I do not want. 20 But if I am doing the very thing I do not want, I am no longer the one doing it, but sin which dwells in me.

21 I find then the principle that evil is present in me, the one who wants to do good. 22 For I joyfully concur with the law of God in the inner man, 23 but I see a different law in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin which is in my members. 24 Wretched man that I am! Who will set me free from the body of this death? 25 Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, on the one hand I myself with my mind am serving the law of God, but on the other, with my flesh the law of sin.

It's important to understand this is not something we can do ourselves. No amount of self discipline will fix anything.

The only thing that helps to take off the old nature and put on the new nature: Asking the Holy Spirit (helper and comforter) in our weakest movements to flee temptation and do other things that help us grow in our Christian walk.

[–]OrlandoTheAxe[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Therein lies the problem. You can't fix it without God's intervention, and if God doesn't intervene you're stuck. How do you deal with this?

[–]Deep_Strength2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

God almost always intervenes when you pray according to His will.

For instance, pray to be put into situations where you can practice patience and self control. Then remind yourself each day as you're walking through it with Scripture verses. When you encounter these situations, take note of them and practice your patience and self control.

We grow as Christians by incrementally following the Holy Spirit in these situations and lots of small things will add up to large things.

Luke 16:10 He who is faithful in a very little thing is faithful also in much; and he who is unrighteous in a little thing is unrighteous also in much. If therefore you have not been faithful in the use of unrighteous riches, who will entrust the true riches to you?

It's easy to focus on the negative areas where we fall, but we need to be focused on the areas where we are growing in Christ.

[–]Willow-girl2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Do the next right thing.

Rinse, lather, repeat.

[–]AlexeiFKaramazov1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I've been in that same place, dealing with self-hatred. This passage helped me a lot (The Brothers Karamazov):

"Above all, avoid falsehood, every kind of falsehood, especially falseness to yourself. Watch over your own deceitfulness and look into it every hour, every minute. Avoid being scornful, both to others and to yourself. What seems to you bad within you will grow purer from the very fact of your observing it in yourself. Avoid fear, too, though fear is only the consequence of every sort of falsehood. Never be frightened at your own faint-heartedness in attaining love. Don't be frightened overmuch even at your evil actions. I am sorry I can say nothing more consoling to you, for love in action is a harsh and dreadful thing compared with love in dreams. Love in dreams is greedy for immediate action, rapidly performed and in the sight of all. Men will even give their lives if only the ordeal does not last long but is soon over, with all looking on and applauding as though on the stage. But active love is labor and fortitude, and for some people too, perhaps, a complete science. But I predict that just when you see with horror that in spite of all your efforts you are getting farther from your goal instead of nearer to it—at that very moment I predict that you will reach it and behold clearly the miraculous power of the Lord who has been all the time loving and mysteriously guiding you."

I have three encouragements for you in light of this passage:

  • You are right to not want tactics that are self-delusional. Strive to identify every single lie you tell yourself. I'd suggest how I did this, and take this to the extreme: calculate every single lie you've told yourself, why you believe it, and why that failed for you. Take your inner self-critic and totally exhaust him with these calculations. As you say, replace your brain with that computer and see it all the way through. Make an end of him. Once completely exhausted, you will find that you no longer need this inner-critic; he has done his job in full.
  • Only once you let him die can God take his place. I think that's the meaning of faith. You know well that you are thoroughly unregenerate. So let yourself die! This is the only way to be born again. Every moment you avoid doing so, you will only be living "skin deep," as you say.
  • Like the author says, I don't really have any consolation for you either. I think active love is the only way to be convinced that faith is real. As with your self-critic, make an effort to pursue active love of your neighbor as yourself in an exhaustive way. If you do this with all your strength, soul, and might, then there will be no more space for self-hatred, which was taking away these things from you!

[–]ENTPunisher0 points1 point  (6 children) | Copy

Self hatred is a symptom of the sin of pride. When you think you're better than everyone else, you get discouraged when you find out otherwise.

[–]OrlandoTheAxe[S] 0 points1 point  (5 children) | Copy

What gives you the impression that I think that I am better than everybody else? I don't, and I didn't.

[–]ENTPunisher0 points1 point  (4 children) | Copy

Why do you hate yourself then? "Being the cause of your own troubles" isn't a good enough reason because that's everyone.

[–]OrlandoTheAxe[S] 0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy

It's being the source of my problems AND being unable to fix it. Physically, my body hates me, and all my attempts at working out end in injury. Mentally, I am unable to do the work I spent my whole life training for, and my efforts to improve are overwhelmed by a mental fog that I can't overcome. Spiritually, I have little assurance that God loves me and most of my behavioral changes don't seem to reach the heart. Try as I might, I am haven't been able to remedy these problems because of who I am. Since I have failed to change myself, I hate myself.

I reckon that's a valid reason, but I'm open to your insight. If my comments, posts, and demeanor portray me as a prideful or arrogant person, then I need to be made aware of that.

[–]ENTPunisher0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

Are you reading your Bible and praying regularly? It seems like the reason that you're so defeated is that you're relying on yourself for physical, spiritual, and mental improvement. You have to rely on God.

The body is weak, and it turns into dust. Only love will last till the end, and God is love.

"He that loveth not knoweth not God; for God is love." 1 John 4:8

Here's a prayer to help you get back on the wagon:

Dear Lord, I want to learn to trust You with my life and the adversity that I am right now facing. I choose to embrace this difficulty and to make the most out of it so that not one day will be wasted. I say not my will, but yours. I want to learn to trust you right now. Take the striving out of my life and the self-sufficiency in my heart. Help me not to make my own plans and then ask you to bless them. Teach me to listen to You and then do Your will wholeheartedly. Show me Your plan for this day and help me to live it out joyfully.

Forgive me for all the times in my life where I have forced my own plans and will, and change me to be one who lays everything at your feet. Lord, I want to give you my time and my devotion. Convict me whenever I go my own way. I choose to do it your way now. Help me Lord. I acknowledge my total dependence on you All my rights of ownership are Yours because You have purchased me with a great price. I am under Your leadership. Take my weakness and sustain me. In Jesus name, amen.

[–]OrlandoTheAxe[S] 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

Are you reading your Bible and praying regularly?

Bible reading - very good. I'm going through Chuck's reading plan.

Prayer - only semi-consistent. I've allowed myself to slip here and will need to address it.

 

Here's a prayer to help you get back on the wagon

The attitude expressed in that prayer is exactly what I need to model my own heart after. I'm impressed. Thank you.

[–]ENTPunisher1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Good luck man I'm rooting for you

[–]agoodcrayon0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

You don’t love yourself because you are comparing yourself to those you perceive as cooler or better than you.

Stop looking at the other dogs plate and start looking at your own.

You’re not attractive? Fix that.

You don’t make enough money? Fix that.

You don’t get girls? Fix that.

You don’t like your personality? Fix that.

You’re unaware of your own strengths and also unaware of what God thinks of you and how much you matter to Him. You are his creation. Adopt a standard of excellence that God would approve of.

“It is a disgrace to grow old through sheer carelessness before seeing what manner of man you may become by developing your bodily strength and beauty to their highest limit." -Socrates

[–]OrlandoTheAxe[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

I hate myself because I can't fix myself. Life is a treadmill, and it doesn't matter how hard I run because nothing I do works. It's all empty behavior modification.

[–]agoodcrayon0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

What are you doing to improve? Give me a breakdown of what you’ve been doing this past month and the month before quarantine/Covid happened.



You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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