Should I love myself before loving someone else?

Opposite-Associate · 2020-04-29T05:07:00+00:00

I'm not really in the strongest position to say as I'm still a recovering pickmeisha since I discovered this sub a few months ago, but from my experience in the past relationships I have been where I have shared the exact same doubts and insecurities concerning self-esteem on various levels (appearance, intelligence, personality, or even inherent worth, etc), I can definitely say that my lack of self love or respect has played a pivotal role in every relationship I've been. As a result, beyond being a doormat to subpar treatment by men, it also caused me to become too emotionally dependent on them to the point where my entire self worth or even purpose for living was based on the whims of their behavior and judgements. As such, I was in a constant turmoil between both having trust issues in whether they really loved me or not and simultaneously being too quick to attach and being too emotionally vulnerable.

In other words, yes, a lack of self love can definitely not only attract the wrong kinds of men into your life or negative treatment, but also ruin the relationships you are in regardless of who you are with. And then once those relationships are over, you are caught in a perpetually self feeding cycle of lower and lower self esteem, perhaps even thinking you deserve to suffer this way because you feel that you are that worthless or he broke up with you because it's all your fault, and thus finding yourself sustaining more trauma in one relationship to the next. It's precisely why my relationships have ended each even with very different personalities between them, besides noticeable flaws with them too and broader incompatibilities. Regardless of how your first relationship progresses, the hard truth is that it will certainly end in heartbreak when the struggle through loving, caring, and respecting yourself and setting your boundaries continues in a way that your partner will inevitably grow resentful of, which is not your fault by any means but is simply a harsh reality of the world you will unfortunately learn whether it's the first, second, third time you break up with someone. That is why instead of focusing on relationships at the moment after a relatively recent break up of mine, I am instead focusing on my education and trying to reach the best potential of what I can be (accomplishments, mentally, physically, academically wise) before even considering on entering the dating scene again much less being emotionally attached to any guy. If any of what I described above resonates or sounds familiar with you, then I'd advise a similar path ultimately seeing as you are also working towards a bachelors like me.

Now if your relationship doesn't feel like it's going downhill or he is still treating you as positively as before, I am probably against ending it at this point as it may be too early to say without more details of course. But if you are noticing more red (or even yellow!) flags within your relationship as your partner has grown more aware of your lack of self confidence or other insecurities, such as perhaps them not contacting you as often, seeming less looking forward to hanging out with you, or just generally more impatient or rude about hearing you vent or express your thoughts, or whatever else you can find in the handbook or posts of other people's relationship experiences on this subreddit,,, then sadly, I think it may be a beginning sign that the relationship is going to eventually end. And I very much know and feel with how absolutely hard it can be as your first relationship, so I really hope that's not the case but be mentally prepared to process in that likely possibility if you do notice any changes on his part. Especially try your best not to justify too many red/yellow flags or say "but it's different!". That is denial and you have to try your best to assess it from as much of an objective perspective as possible based on what other users, the handbook, or even your own female friends or family might have to say.

With that being said, do NOT beat yourself over it wherever the relationship does go and start entertaining those thoughts that you "deserve" to be miserable since it didnt work out and you are not worthy of any love or respect, otherwise you are caught into the cycle of self hatred and destruction that I have described previously. This is not a productive or healthy mindset in the slightest and only encourages further mental abuse towards yourself, whether or not if you believe you made any mistakes or regret any words/actions. Or even worse, welcomes potentially dangerous people in your life who will interpret your insecurities as weakness and thus a target for mental or even as far as physical or sexual abuse. No matter what has happened or will happen, you need to move forward with your mind set into becoming the best version of yourself you always wanted to be and instead of condemning or feeling ashamed over your past self, forgive yourself and learn from those experiences. Give yourself the time you need to build your own confidence, wherever that avenue might be through either introspective time alone to discover more of your own identity, values, and establishing the standards you want in a relationship, perhaps seeking therapy if affordable, adopting more interests and productive hobbies, or like in my case, being in a positive, welcoming, female exclusive space such as this subreddit can help a lot. Perhaps even check out the r/FemaleLevelUpStrategy subreddit if you're interested

Also, sorry for the essay length post lol

curlygirl507 · 2020-04-29T05:02:29+00:00

Yes. There will never be another you. You are the person he loves regardless of how you feel about your body. I'm 32 now, went through all of that at your age. Go to counseling at school - it's free and much easier to do in a school setting.

Opposite-Associate · 2020-04-29T06:22:50+00:00

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dackaroo · 2020-05-01T01:30:19+00:00

You should definitely love yourself, but I don't want to encourage you to break up with someone who (from the post) seems really nice. It is possible to learn self-love if you're in a healthy relationship, and the two of you are so young that you can grow together, although it's okay if you feel you need some space to yourself for a while, or even if you grow apart from each other over time.

Just don't trick yourself that his love for you is your love for yourself--that's a pesky trap.

Opposite-Associate · 2020-04-29T13:51:50+00:00

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Valarena216 · 2020-07-04T22:49:01+00:00

Hello, Beloved -

I am really going to keep my answer brief with hopes that it will help you. I am 55 and I married my High School Sweetheart (we are divorced) and I did not do so until I finished college. Like most women, who all suffer from some form of LSE (Low Self-Esteem), we are continually developing, growing, and transforming. You are just learning and "Becoming." I would love for you to discover who you are without the influence of being what someone else wants you to be or needs you to be. Fly Darling. Explore! If you and your boyfriend are intended to be then it will be. Live your life before you live it with or for someone else.

Rena

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