Moving on from heartbreak and learning from your mistakes. Help.

supremelyparanoid · 2020-01-25T23:45:54+00:00

Hey sis, be kind to yourself. There isn’t a magic switch to make these feelings go away and you can’t give yourself a deadline to get over this person - that would be humanly impossible.

Let me ask you this, what was he giving you specifically: emotionally or physically that you can’t give to yourself? It says in the linked post that you never had sex with him?

It sounds like your self-esteem was reliant on this person giving you attention and that can become addictive. It’s way to easy to get validation from others to boost ourselves up bit at the end of the day it never works.

You just keep building yourself up day by day, work on your life as you’re already doing and keep going to therapy. You’re on the right path sis, you’re doing everything you can right now.

Another thing I’d suggest is looking through the FDS handbook and look at the suggested reading there. It will help you see through this guy so fast, I think it will help you mentally.

In my personal opinion, you have to dehumanise these asshole guys that do this shit to us. Stop giving them the benefit of the doubt, stop thinking you won’t find love or validation again, stop thinking you’re incomplete without male attention and I’d even suggest going on dates (after vetting the guy before hand) so you can have fun and see you’re a desirable woman.

There are so many fish in the sea, you just flushed this asshole fish down the toilet. Hope you like seafood sis because next time you’re going to be chewing these guys up and spitting them out.

Don’t be too hard on yourself.

NotScarJo · 2020-01-26T01:03:52+00:00

Hey sister. I'm in a similar boat. I met someone on OLD a few months ago. I pursued him. He seemed really into me after I got him to notice me. We had sex, which was amazing and he was very complimentary on my performance both during and after via text. Only for him to ghost a week later. I tried reaching out twice, only to be ignored.

It's hard, it sucks, and months later I'm still hurt. I even discovered some less than flattering things about him - he lied to me about being divorced (is only separated AND he cheated which is why the marriage broke down), lied to me about having a college degree, he has two baby mamas, and there's even more.

Intellectually, I know he's fucking garbage and I would have gotten tired real fast. Emotionally, I'm going through the same process, why wasn't I good enough, where did I go wrong etc etc. We as women are socialized to blame and question ourselves. Truth is, your guy is garbage too. This is not how emotionally mature men behave.

I'm sure other ladies will have better advice than I have, but don't beat yourself up. This culture is engineered on you not trusting yourself. I'm glad to hear you are putting in the work to build yourself up. That's what I am doing too.

Edit: this was before FDS.

throwaway56662 · 2020-01-26T02:12:38+00:00

Same boat. Feel angry for letting myself be used when I’m worth much more than how I allowed myself to be treated. I became abstinent and began focusing on myself, my career and addressing my core issues (answering the question on why I sell myself short). It isn’t easy but keep reminding yourself that you are worthy and work towards making yourself a stronger person.

2020-01-26T00:06:18+00:00

I actually went through something virtually identical. It sounds like he was very manipulative and not actually the kind of guy that you would want to end up with anyway. It also sounds like in addition to you missing him, you are also lonely and want someone in general (again, I feel you).

What helped me was to write down all the reasons why he WASN'T that great (both in general and for me), refer to it whenever I felt like I was slipping up, and most importantly, BLOCK HIM on all forms of communication (I even blocked him on email).

I also started going on more dates and realized that there is so much more out there (a concept you are only aware of in theory but don't fully believe until you experience it). I have yet to connect with anyone else on the same level, but there have been glimpses of hope from other men. Even though they haven't necessarily led to anything, the potential gave me hope that I WILL one day move on to bigger and better things, just as you will.

Treat yourself - take yourself out to dessert, drinks, the ballet (I actually did this, and it was one of the best dates I've ever had), or anything that you've always wanted to do.

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nadiamustbestopped · 2020-01-25T22:31:56+00:00

Hey I am (25F) actually going through the exact same thing except my 'fling' was on and off for 2 years. As a matter of fact I ended the friendship (or whatever you wanna call it) TODAY. It hurts..I think finding this post was fate. Idk.

Lots of women out there understand how you are feeling right now, including me. If you ever wanna talk about this further you can always inbox me!

I think the number one thing you must be when you're going through heartbreak is DISTRACTED. This always works for me. Time will heal but it will seem very long if you're not busy with other things. If you keep thinking about this guy it will feel like you are going nowhere. Stay distracted by doing things you enjoy. I know it's cliché to say this but really...spend you're time doing things you enjoy and that fulfil your life and/or interests.

Read books, get back into hobbies, hang out with your friends. Maybe try something new. Get out there and meet new people. Bumble has a friendship option instead of dating. Why don't you try that go on a friend date? Do some girly-bonding. You don't have to date, you can just make friends. Male or female.

Honestly you cannot just snap your fingers and make the feeling of hurt go away. It's a natural, healthy human emotion that will go away on its own. In the meantime, use this time to reflect & see if there was anything you have learnt or have taken away from this experience. I believe 'what goes around comes around' so these shitty feelings you have right now in the present time will soon be replaced with good feelings of happinesses and fulfillment in the future. If you stay positive you will attract good energies. I think so anyway :)

I hope you feel better soon!!

2020-01-25T23:22:28+00:00

I suggest you write a list for the moments that you feel down to help you remove the rose tinted glasses. Write down everything he did that made you feel any negativity no matter how small. Review this list every time you miss him.

sweatydeath · 2020-01-27T23:09:09+00:00

I feel resigned to finding a sexually and emotionally fulfilling relationship because any man that I desire hasn't desired me back and there really isn't anything I can do about it...I don't know how not to feel like a casualty at this point.

You need to re-wire yourself to become attracted to how men treat you. Keep going to therapy, BUT remember that men are not your therapists. Being honest with your therapist is essential, but being too honest with men can be dangerous.

I have to keep reminding myself that this part of my life is out of my control.

I disagree. Dating and romance IS under your control. The strategies you employ will dictate the type of man you end up with. For instance, if you want a passive man that desires women to compete for HIS attention? Then FDS-approved methods will not work.

How do I take the guy that rejected me off a pedestal? I'm doing all the right things on the outside, but how do I not care so much about him on the inside?

What will get me through these dark moments so I can feel empowered to get what I want?

Treat yourself - you are going through a tough time. Spend up to 3 days lamenting this loss then continue moving. Go hang out with friends, get a pedicure, manicure, or new outfit. Go get a facial! Get your lashes done! Focus on your career and hobbies. Treat yourself like the queen you are. Any man would be lucky to have you. Line up a few dates by the second week. Date multiple men until commitment is established (this is IMPORTANT). Pretty soon, your schedule will be filled up with dates and you won't have time to even think of him.

If you added him on any social media then block him now.

Title	Moving on from heartbreak and learning from your mistakes. Help.
Author	jackofhearts23
Upvotes	34
Comments	18
Date	January 25, 2020 9:41 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/etx3q6/moving_on_from_heartbreak_and_learning_from_your/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/moving-on-from-heartbreak-and-learning-from-your.684007 https://theredarchive.com/post/684007

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