Some of you may have read my posts about being sexually assaulted and this sub being helpful for me. So that was my first relationship. I dumped him after it happened and not only am i dealing with the trauma of his offense, i'm also struggling with the break up. I had a friend a few months back. We met online. let's call him bobby.

Firstly, i want to stay away from men right now. Romantically, i feel overwhelmed and jittery around men and have trouble even making eye contact with them.

Bobby and i met last year. We were friends for five months. I was 19 to his 23. now 20 to his 24. Different countries and all that. I didn't understand men and attraction and how 'love isn't enough' and well...i was naive you know. I fell in love with him because he'd look out for me and we'd talk daily for five months. I confessed and was rejected. Obviously he wasn't naive like me and told me bluntly i was really young, had my whole life ahead of me and shouldn't waste it on an online relationship. He told me he didn't want to date anyone. At this time he'd still talk a lot about his ex and sleep with prostitutes (obviously back then i was naive and didn't care, i care now). Bobby apologized for leading me on and tried to keep it strictly friendly but also the same to not make me feel awkward, i think. But i also don't think anymore that men are that aware, so im guessing he just didn't know how to react. I excused myself from the friendship on his birthday. I wrote him a letter in his native tongue and that was my last contact with him. He contacted me once after a few days to see how i was. After that he respected my need for space to grow outside of our connection.

The time we weren't talking I left home to go to UK to study computing, got screwed over and stranded in the town in really bad rain and crying i asked a stranger man to help me find my way back to my hotel (20 minutes away and yes, i was very naive) and bless his heart he was a good bloke and kept me safe and respected. I also got my first boyfriend who i wasn't in love with but did cherish and loved, i also was sexually assaulted by him and broke up with him and broke away from our toxic relationship, was moving hotel to hotel, got screwed over by my then roommate, didn't have money to eat, my phone was dead because i couldn't get a charger, i used the sun as an alarm and the moment there was daylight i'd just walk to uni not even knowing how early i was going, slit my wrist with the intention to kill myself only to stop because my then friend (no longer my friend because of this incident) came in on me and started screaming and begging me to stop, started a case against my ex and im still actively involved with trauma, isolation (not being legally allowed to talk about the investigation and having trouble talking to friends while keeping such a huge event a secret), the case and my poor health.

It's been a rough 3 months. Coincidentally bobby texted me the very next day after i was sexually assaulted. He got a new phone and explained that he tried so hard to find my number. He looked for me on the app we met on (i deleted my profile but not before blocking him), tried contacting me (i had blocked him) and finally managed to when he got a new phone, new sim and could text me (he bought 3 phones this year for his fam and himself so im sorry if i made it sound creepy). He was quiet while talking trying to test the waters. I told him to wait because i was out with a friend. When i got home i texted him and caught up and he asked me how i was. I told him i got sexually assaulted by my now ex yesterday. I said it because i just didn't care at that point. I figured it would make it easier for me to get rid of him if the trash kicked itself out thinking im ''ew'' now. He was angry at my ex and has still supported me endlessly through police, uni reports, trauma etc.

He's changed...a lot. He told me he missed me because he'd see a joke and want to share it with me. He clearly regretted rejecting me (not in the sense that he wish he hadn't done it but in the sense that he felt like if he had become my boyfriend then i wouldn't have ended up with a bad man and had to go through what i did). He blames himself still for what happened. He advises me daily and the advice is always consistent with the teachings of FDS which back when i was naive, i would have given him a side eye for but now...yeah. He texts me daily and if he goes out with a lady friend or coworkers he'll let me know (i don't understand why and usually just ignore that text or tell him to be safe). He secretly looked up if it was possible to mail me a gift for my birthday (i made it clear that it was unnecessary). He can take no well. Well...i feel lonely sometimes and this is where i feel like im using him. I'll talk dirty to him and we'll have phone sex (voice call/voice notes/text/ no nudes on my end/ he'll ask before sending me one/ at first didn't want to send me a nude of his because he knew i was struggling with the trauma and wasn't sure i was ready for it so wanted to take things slowly/ he'll video call me but tell me clearly i can cover my side up which i do/ he'll ask me to show him my boobs while we're dirty talking but when i say no he doesn't bring it up again). I know. I know he's getting something out of it too.

It's more concerning how he talks about it. I tell him i don't want to do something he doesn't want and he keeps repeating that he doesn't care, if it makes me happy he'll do anything for me. He'll show me him jerking himself off, i've made a submissive out of him, show his butthole and he'll treat me like a goddess. I feel guilty. When he'll look at me while we do a regular video call, his whole face lights up and i feel guilty. He'll drop his friends and coworkers home and call me because he wants to hear my voice. I tell him why he wants to make me happy so bad and it'll be different each time but always a jokey jokey answer. He gets sad when i joke about our distance and tells me he wants to be near me. He's looked up flight tickets to come to me and brings it up often himself. He doesn't care what it is, he wants me to depend on him and i told him i don't feel comfortable depending on him and he was sad by it but didn't push which i can respect. The man has literally made a video of himself dancing the im a little teapot dance, because i told him to. And he, like most, hates dancing. He used to call me hot and sexy and now since we've reconnected its always cute, beautiful and too good to be true (this is more related to how i was a good gf to my ex and deserved better and donate a lot i guess). It's also strange how i never bring up us dating again because i understand relationships better now and im so uninterested in dating now...or scared -flip a coin! but he'll bring it up and say something obviously not kk like 'i wish you were here so i could date you' to which i'll reply 'you're a great person but im more aware of compatibility and it's importance now and we're never going to happen, i wouldn't date you even if i was there' to which he'll say 'oh yeah, i don't want to date you too so same yeah same, you're great though' and it's so dumb it's hilarious. Men and their pride. I tease him about it now. He's started opening up to me and its clear that he's not against but scared of relationships. Which, as a friend i get that but i also no longer want to date someone so unsure of so much and i have made that clear to him.

I think i just feel really guilty knowing im not interested in reciprocating and want to only be his friend except when it's convenient for me to be something more.