Need advice for marriage.

Blackishcat27 · 2019-11-25T03:33:02+00:00

I know "just be yourself" sounds cliche, but it's good advice, if a little vague. Way too many women get into LTR or marriage and absolutely lose themselves. They start parenting the man in their life, stop seeing their friends, stop following their passions, their hobbies dry up, and their husband/partner becomes everything to them. Even moreso if you have children - your whole world revolves around your man and your kids (necessary obviously for the survival of young children, they need your full attention for a long time!), and you forget who you are because you are simply their caretaker. Over-familiarity is a real problem in marriage - there is no mystery anymore, he doesn't get to be surprised by you anymore (meaning, seeing you being your bad-ass self doing things you love).

And don't get me wrong, men do this ALL the time - they drop their friends, stop following their passions, and expect the woman in their life to basically drop everything and amuse them day in and day out. The difference is that men don't seem to have any self-awareness about this, nor do women leave them because of it. But as women, if we are boring and predictable, men will look elsewhere. Women try to overcompensate by coming out wearing lingerie after putting the kids to bed, or begging their husbands to go on date nights so they can wear a dress to impress him. And lo and behold, he barely looks up from the tv. As if I would ever nag a man to take me on dates. If I want to dress up, it's not going to be to impress him, it's because I want to dress up. And damn rights I will find a way to make that happen, even if it means leaving him sitting on the couch while I go out with my girlfriends. And you better believe he'll look up from the TV when I leave the house looking like a 10/10! And again, this isnt a "game" or a "play" - you're not doing it to make him jealous or evoke anything else from him. You do it because you won't just sink into nothingness simply because you are married.

I advocate for having such a high standard for your life that you never let yourself become "just" a wife or "just" a mother, instead you are fully grounded in who you are and what you want, and so in love with life, that no relationship can change that. A huge part of that means not lowering your standards for how you expect to be treated once you've made a huge commitment (whether that's marriage or common law, whatever floats your boat). This is going to sound backwards but the best way to stay interesting is to not be preoccupied with how interesting you seem. Be too busy enjoying a full life.

Vespe50 · 2019-11-25T07:42:56+00:00

What he do for keeping your love? For keeping your sexual attraction? Your mindset is wrong, you think that if you give him everything he will never leave , but this will drain your energy and after that he will leave.

TheLastUBender · 2019-11-25T07:03:16+00:00

Maintaining respect for yourself in a marriage is important.

I second the 'maintain your hobbies and interests' line of thinking. Have regular evenings away from each other where you do your thing.

Don't neglect your own needs, whatever they are - sleep, exercise, good diet, quiet time, time with friends - and don't be passive aggressive about what you want and need in a routine.

Pull your weight in terms of chores and finances and have a clear agreement with him about both, don't just mother him.

Learn to talk about a conflict of opinions in a constructive way.

If you do all this and you are still willing to walk the extra mile for him when it is needed (because life happens), you'll be appreciated more than if you put his needs above yours as a matter of course.

2019-11-25T07:59:34+00:00

I don't have concrete tips but a suggestion for a mindset from Kahlil Gibran's classic advice on marriage and how I apply it (though I'm not married), in another thread:

You don't have to resign to being 'okay' with being single. We are social creatures and it's natural to want close relationships. But maybe it helps to think of it this way: being alone and being in a relationship don't have to be two opposite states. I behave the same no matter which state I'm in. I talked in another thread about filling your own cup continuously and letting other people have only the overflow, no matter whether they are family, friends or lovers. No matter how happy my partnership, it will never involve my partner drinking directly from my cup. This idea was from Kahlil Gibran's beautiful poem on marriage:

Love one another, but make not a bond of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf
Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,
Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.

Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.
And stand together yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.

My way of applying this is my life is to hold on to my own presence, which is the only thing in my life that never changes.

So when I cook a delicious meal it is for my pleasure first, and I'm happy to share it with him but I'd cook it even if I was alone.

When I dance it is to enjoy myself and feel beautiful and creative; if he wants to be mesmerized it's fine by me but I'd dance even if he wasn't there.

I'm perfectly content to sit in an empty room alone because I'm with my favorite person :-)

I hope this helps!

Onionpepsi · 2019-11-25T03:05:50+00:00

Best marriage advice: don’t. Not worth the risks

Title	Need advice for marriage.
Author	FineBaker3
Upvotes	14
Comments	10
Date	November 24, 2019 11:44 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/e172jq/need_advice_for_marriage/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/need-advice-for-marriage.687961 https://theredarchive.com/post/687961

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