making the first move

throwawayy92838383 · 2019-10-18T03:08:37+00:00

It doesn’t sound like you need a relationship. It sounds like you need to work on yourself, get out of the house, and build a solid set of hobbies and a friend group.

Your current mindset and situation (lonely, secluded, and young) is a recipe for being treated like shit by a man who will smell your loneliness (and as it follows, desperation for companionship) from a mile away.

You’re only wasting your youth by not living your life, and instead fretting over finding relationship. Why would the absence of a relationship be a waste of your youth? You want to be tied down to a man in a committed relationship for several years instead of utilizing the time to focus on enriching yourself and your life?

A romantic relationship does not define you. It won’t make you “happy” or less lonely. Only you can create those conditions within yourself. Women tend to over romanticize relationships. The reality is unfulfilling sex and endless emotional labor.

Live your life, be single, be young. If a man enters the equation? Great, as long as he is a valuable man. If not? Oh well. (And for record, no, don’t make the first move.)

fistfulloftosca · 2019-10-17T19:36:47+00:00

If you can tell he's attracted to you, just let him make the move. Just be smiley and flirtatious.

ino_y · 2019-10-18T03:46:40+00:00

Before you go back into the dating pool, spend a year working on yourself to find out exactly why you get used. It took me way too long to realise I was the problem. I had no boundaries, I naively expected men to be "nice" to me without ever speaking up about my expectations or annoyances. I never had consequences for their shitty behaviour. I ignored red flags and let them push and push.

Research things like Boundaries and how to say no, Assertiveness, codependency, what does emotional blackmail look like and so on.

Great books - When I say no I feel Guilty, Not Nice, The Art of Saying No, Boundaries.

Make a list of your dating Rules. eg, never go to a man's house, get yourself to and from dates, never cook and clean for a man who isn't your husband, never go to a place you can't get yourself home from, only 1 drink on a date.

Make a list of shady behaviour so you can spot it early, eg. men who ignore you when you say No, and who treat it as a negotiation or "convince me", men who place their wants over your needs (eg you Need to go home and sleep, they Want to spend another hour with you).

Think deeply about what went wrong when they were taking advantage of you. What red flags did you ignore, what were you thinking and feeling when they started up their boundary pushing shit.

Get your self-care and household in order. Have a daily and weekly routine. If you get this right and up to scratch, you really won't have time to date or be lonely. It will become an ingrained habit that you will be able to do without effort, for the rest of your life, and when things get tough. I spend an hour a day on hygiene, grooming, skin care, healthy meal prep and cleaning/tidying. 7-8 hours sleep. An hour reading a useful book. Weekends is laundry, vacuuming and wiping surfaces.

Make friends with women in your area. They're much more useful for emotional support and spiritual nourishment. A bad relationship with a man will drain your soul. Men are not friends or companions.

normabelka2 · 2019-10-18T20:53:36+00:00

just don’t

OwoOof · 2019-10-17T19:45:54+00:00

Never be scared to make that move, nowadays relationships are def hard to find, but I think that’s interesting part of being so young. You get to experience heartbreak and then you also experience the good guys and find out who you are and who you truly want in a person. So take the chance, don’t let past experiences make you shy away from new ones. I wish you so much luck!

Also, totally get in touch w yourself. There’s no shame in never having a relationship romantically! Sometimes your best relationships are the ones that are just platonic.

Title	making the first move
Author	-throwawayx-
Upvotes	1
Comments	7
Date	October 17, 2019 7:35 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/djbewu/making_the_first_move/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/making-the-first-move.689895 https://theredarchive.com/post/689895

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