So I originally posted this in another sub but I wanted to get the fds perspective. And just so you all know we have broken up so I'm no longer putting up with this awful man. It's pretty long so I really really appreciate anyone who reads this. Also major trigger warning!

Backstory: We met on a penpal site when I was 17 and he was 25. (I initiated first) He was from Europe.

Rereading our conversation I missed a tooon of red flags. I was a virgin though and when the conversation eventually turned sexual it was all new to me and I thought it was so cool.

But anyway he enjoyed calling me a slut and wanted to do stuff from porn (face fucking, choking, making me gag)

One time he even said his fantasy was to just grab me and try as hard as possible to make himself cum with no foreplay for me. I had a moment of self awareness and said that doesn't seem fun for me at all. He was like but babyyy isn't pleasuring me fun for you also and you're not going to cum everytime. Oh my God right!!!

We eventually started dating and he came to visit me (I had to ask him out..he was content with just using me for dirty talk)..hindsight is 2020

So these are the instances I'm questioning are abuse. Some I know are like the sexual and physical assault but I'll just provide them anyway for perspective:

He sexually assaulted me by coercion. 6 months into our relationship. I said no three times but he kept asking so I gave in and turned my head away so he wouldn't see me crying while he did it. I only realized it was assault months after. When I brought it up he said no its not because I'm your boyfriend and you said yes at first...(I took back the consent and said no 3 times after).

A month later I brought it up again and he was like I've already apologized I don't see why you have to remind me of my worst moment I don't do that to you and what else is there to say about it ...but it really affected me and I was not over it yet and still trying to understand which is why I talked about it again.

For our one year anniversary, he made a video of him saying he loves me and basically just generic stuff so I got upset because I didn't think it was a good enough gift and I wanted another. He had also promised to propose on the one year so that's why it was such a let down (don't worry I won't want to get engaged so young again). He said he didn't owe me anything after I got him a gift.

More backstory:

I was about to enter college which for some reason really freaked me out. I thought I would relapse with anorexia due to all the stress. So it really scared me and I wasn't ready. I told my parents but my dad said I had to either get a job or go to college and if I didn't he would kick me out. The problem was I didn't have work experience so no one would higher me. So I believed sex work was the only option (getting a sugar daddy) which caused horrible fights between me and now ex boyfriend. The fights led to me relapsing with self harm because I felt so guilty but also so desperate. I didn't get one and went college. I really disliked it though and my self harm became very severe during that time.

Also when he came to visit me the second time I moved in with him.

More possible abuse:

I was really sad one day and self harming and crying and he saw this but chose to watch soccer instead and left me alone. I could hear him yelling at the game going yes!! While I was crying :( I felt so alone there.

I told him later that day that he should have come and hugged me when I was crying and bleeding instead of watching soccer.

He denied he did anything wrong saying he needed a break from my problems even though he saw me with bleeding arms crying. And he never checked in on me the whole day instead just sat on the computer.

We had Christmas dinner with my family and he got on his phone a couple of times, a 26 year old grown man and I had to kick him under the table to get him to stop. My mom saw and I was so embarrassed. Later I said I'm really mad at you. You wouldn't like it if I were to do that with your family. He said whatever it would be your choice even though he gets mad at me getting on my phone when it's just us.

He locked up my razor (that I paid for) so I wouldn't take the blades out to cut but I also needed it to shave. When I asked for it to to shave, he said no your not in a good mood you're going to cut. Even though I was in a bad mood because I was mad at him for Christmas. I felt like I was being treated like a child. He was telling me how to feel and not giving me something that I paid for so I tried to get it myself. He grabbed my wrists and pulled me away and dragged me to the couch. I started crying and saying I wasn't going to cut I just wanted to shave, but he didn't believe me and said I'm not giving you your fucking razor, I took it its mine now and crying won't help you get it. He kept holding my wrists and accidentally scratched me causing me to bleed.

And then later that night I went to go sleep on the couch because I couldn't be with him on the bed. He came to check on me and I said he hurt me physically (he made me bleed) and emotionally and he said you did it to yourself which is something my dad would always say I when I was hurt and just broke my heart that he would say it :( When we talked about it, he denied he did anything wrong and said that I attacked him which wouldn't even make sense as I was trying to get the razor not him and he put his hands on me. He also said I hurt him and he was crying too but apparently I don't care about his feelings.

We were going to have sex. I was on my period so I knew it would hurt and I wouldn't cum but I was still going to do this for him. He said he would rather have a blowjob. I really dislike them but I gave him one anyway and tried really hard. I jokingly asked if it was the best he ever had and he said no but it was really good which immediately made me cry. I asked why would he say that when he knew it would break my heart and he said it's better to tell the truth than lie and he didn't think it would hurt me that badly. This ex girlfriend he was talking about was from like 9 years ago. And he was my first partner while he had others which I was very insecure about so it felt like he was using that against me.

Every time we would fight, he would go watch porn. So while I was crying waiting to talk he was jerking off to other girls which really messed me up.

After all of these fights we decided to take a break which would be open for me so I could be on more equal footing with him.

I went on a date with a guy and he sexually assaulted me. My period was late and thought I might be pregnant so I told ex boyfriend.

He said he would probably leave me if I had the baby because he couldn't be a father to it instead of supporting me and helping deal with the pain and fear of possibly having a baby from rape. I tried to commit suicide because I was so torn up about what he said and when I talked to him again I asked will you leave me if I have the baby and he kept deflecting and saying are you sure you're ready to be a mother and we shouldnt be discussing my role as a father a day after you tried to kill yourself and he never ever answered the question. (I'm not pregnant thank God)

Most of these instances happened within the span of 3 weeks so I was constantly sobbing and confused and trying to understand why he would do these things. It was absolutely exhausting to be put through so much mental anguish in such a short amount of time.

There was one thing that drove me insane though and I mean I felt like I was one the verge of needing an asylum. Whenever he would hurt me in these examples, he would just say I'm sorry then just stand there starting at me silently while I'm in the worst pain of my life. It would last days like that and be up to me to initiate a conversation. And then I would have to explain how he hurt me how it feels while he would get irrationally defensive and never admit fault.

I'm still struggling with all the pain he put me through and sometimes I will just randomly get depressed and remember everything that happened...could this possibly be ptsd?

Also to those of who will you say go to therapy I am in therapy and I don't cut anymore.

I know it's sexual and physical assault but is it emotional abuse? Also would you define him as a narsacist?

Thank you so much for reading and I really appreciate any responses! Also if something is confusing just ask and I will clarify.