How to show and express my needs/standards?

2340000 · 2020-01-18T22:47:43+00:00

You aren't supposed to train men. The good ones come preassembled with respect, integrity, kindness, and empathy. If the guy you dated didn't let you sit down on the train, that's on him - it has nothing to do with you. Men like that are goldbricks. Popular dating advice posits like women are the primary deciding factor in how a man behaves, that's not true. We should change that narrative because men will act the way they want to act regardless. If they don't get what they want from you, it will be from someone else. Ask yourself if this guy is someone you truly want. Do you even like him that much? Is he worth the effort?

My advice to you is to leave the situation the minute anything happens that you're not okay with. Don't negotiate, don't try to teach him, don't explain yourself. If he cared he would have asked, he would have inquired about what you wanted. Men aren't stupid, they don't need to be taught, they're just looking for something that doesn't inconvenience them. Something that is low maintenance. You're not low maintenance. You require more than that.

The power doesn't reside in your nature as a woman, it resides in your choice as a woman. The power to say "no" and mean it. Don't give ultimatums, just say "that's not something I tolerate". Leave it at that. No explanations. Some men may try to work harder after you put your foot down. Don't fall for it. It's a ploy, eventually they will try again.

MidnightCarp · 2020-01-18T22:44:05+00:00

The first thing you do is differentiate between systematic tendencies and small blind spots. The latter can be fixed with communication, the former can't and you just need to dump them faster.

Your first and second example: obviously systematic low effort and selfishness. What this means is that their respect for you, their empathy level, or their understanding of social situations is fundamentally lacking in ways that will show in all your interactions. You can spend ages trying to express yourself and try to convey your needs, and they may be able to fix individual flaws with enough nagging from you, but honestly life is short and you're way happier without them. They were just LVM, they would never have treated you well regardless of how well you communicated.

Third guy, hard to say but let's be charitable and assume he just had a minor problem with time management and he wasn't generally thoughtless and flaky. If that's the case, just bring it up in a serious, clear, but not overly dramatic way - no need to rant about how you expect him to be better, or to sigh how you don't feel cared for and miss him. Just let him know you can't get on with your day if he makes you wait with phone calls, and that you'd like him to respect this and be more considerate of your time. Being understanding but firm works best, needless to say if he gets overly defensive or never manages to fix the issue then he probably doesn't respect you enough.

sosmartsocrazy · 2020-01-18T22:43:50+00:00

So I'll address the situation you had with guy 3. Choose for yourself an amount of time that you're willing to give as a grace period. Stuff happens from time to time, so for me, it's 5 minutes, unless he communicates the need to reschedule ahead of time. Then, after that grace period has elapsed, don't answer the call.

You're a busy woman with an exciting life and don't have the time to wait around for him if he is perpetually late. You don't have to speak up about it or say anything, but if he asks you can say "I was available at our scheduled time, but now I'm not." If you want to reschedule, go for it, but again, hold him to punctuality as above. It will only take one or two times for him to realize he needs to call at the scheduled time, and if he doesn't, do you really want to continue with someone who doesn't respect your time?

The important thing is to communicate your boundary through actions instead of words. If you give him a lecture every time he's late, but still take his call, he got what he wanted anyway and has no reason to do better.

rftw2013 · 2020-01-18T23:48:11+00:00

You express your displeasure by either

1) asking for what you want "May I have that seat? It's uncomfortable trying to stand in heels on a moving bus" and then you block him and don't see him again after that date is over.

or

2) if he is continually late for phone calls, or persistently rude, just block him and move on.

These men know EXACTLY what they are doing, and they are testing you to see how much bullshit they can get away with. They know how to behave; they had a mom that told them. They're treating you like shit only because you're putting up with it.

Title	How to show and express my needs/standards?
Author	teethnerd-
Upvotes	15
Comments	5
Date	January 18, 2020 10:03 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/eqn4iv/how_to_show_and_express_my_needsstandards/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/how-to-show-and-express-my-needsstandards.694494 https://theredarchive.com/post/694494

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