Alright, ladies, I need some advice. I've been active on this sub today to help shift my mindset, but it just keeps coming back, and it's getting on my nerves. Here's what's going on in a nutshell:

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Relevant background:

  • I was in a 3-year emotionally and mentally abusive situationship that ended about a year ago. In 2 weeks, it will be one year since our explosive end, where he left me quite literally in the dirt after taking everything that I had away from me. I tell people that he effectively killed me without taking my life. He cheated on and with me (unbeknownst to me at the time) and has made numerous women's lives astoundingly more difficult in so many ways.
  • Over the past month of my life, I've been through hell with incredibly severe medical issues that we thought were quite literally going to be the death of me. Multiple hospitalizations, and on top of that, I unexpectedly had to move from the best living situation I've ever had back into my mom's house, where I'm better appreciated seen, not heard. It's been incredibly stressful. OH, and the very critical and accelerated summer quarter just started.
  • During my hospitalization, the doctor took me off the medications that had been helping me manage PCOS and the symptoms of my hormonal fluctuations, and I'm now experiencing awful PMS that I wasn't able to prepare for.

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So, over the past few days, I've noticed my mind wandering back to my NVM ex and just sitting there. I know it's in part because of the stress of everything I've been through and am dealing with, plus the anniversary coming up. I'm reflecting on all the ways he changed me and my life, good and bad, and I ended up having a pretty intense breakdown, just trying again to look for the "why" of it all.

As much as I want to tell you all every little thought and detail and theory I have, I will spare you the novel. Regardless of the why, it all happened. No explanation is going to change that. Is there a part of me that wants not to hate him? Of course. I loved him (naively) more than I've ever loved a person in my life. I was (naively) CAPTIVATED by that man. He was (naively) the light of my world, and I saw the absolute best in him. Even when he was abusive, I (naively) always treated him with unconditional love and kindness- until he took it too far, and I realized what I'd allowed to manifest over time.

I'm incredibly frustrated with this thought pattern and would love to be able to focus on my schoolwork and the things that matter, which will help to get me out of the pitfall trap he so expertly and covertly set me up for. I've corrected pickmeisha behaviors and have canceled them from my life, now if only I could get these damn thoughts out of my head!

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Anyways, my question to the beautiful HVW of this subreddit: how do you all manage to keep yourselves in check when dealing with times of extreme stress, emotional fluctuations, intrusive thoughts, ruminations, etc.?

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Even if you don't deal with these kinds of issues, I would love any and all advice that you can offer!

(Even just writing this down and putting it out into the world helped! Thank you for giving me a platform to talk about it.)

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Edit(s): Formatting. Driving me up the wall!