Does anyone have any experience with how vulnerability ties into masculinity and femininity? Specifically I'm looking for advice and/or resources (RPW-friendly books, etc.) that deal with this topic. See last paragraph for TLDR.

I've been a huge tomboy my whole life. I lived in my older brother's and cousins' hand-me-downs, got into lots of fights (with boys) as an elementary schooler, only had masculine hobbies like guns, skateboarding, and hunting & fishing. These tendencies and interests have now carried over to my adult life.

I don't feel the need to change my interests to something more feminine. I mention my traditionally masculine hobbies only because I believe they may be tied to the issue I'm having with "masculine" aggression. I have a lot of aggressive feelings, specifically an interest in fighting (physically) and an interest in tearing down other people emotionally (especially women). Yes, I am aware that this will bring negativity to both people I like and people I dislike, and that it's not healthy for me to feel this way. That's why I am trying to find the root cause of this behavior and change it.

(Skip to last paragraph here if you're uninterested in sob stories). My mom is very aggressive and used to hit me a lot when I was younger, scream disgusting things, smash anything breakable that she knew I liked. She says she has a "strong personality" and there's nothing wrong with that. I see things differently. When I was a kid she was just a 6'2" 300lb woman literally foaming at the mouth, screaming that she was slamming the door off its hinges because if she didn't she was gonna put my head in there instead. But other times she was very loving, giggly, almost childish towards me. I have pulled away entirely from her because I can't handle the rollercoaster anymore and I've come to recognize this isn't normal behavior, and certainly isn't a role model for embracing femininity or grace. She told me outright back in the day that she isn't interested in hearing about my problems, and I respect that.

As a kid, she threatened suicide for various reasons and ideas started cooking in my brain. I thought about every place I knew that could hurt her (dead mother, alcoholic stepmothers, absent father, morbidly obese, even your husband can't stand you) and said terrible things to her to keep her away from me. To be frank, I wanted to get her to kill herself so she would leave me alone. I thought about it a lot.

When I was 13 or so I was 5'6" and I figured out how to stop her from trying to hit me and break my things. I'm not gonna go into it but I started getting into building muscle and meeting violence with violence, and then after one night I got into a blind rage and left her on the floor and she never tried to physically touch me or my stuff after that. So the message I got was that trying to reason with an insane person is impossible, and the only way to conquer someone is by physically and emotionally dominating them.

Now that you've read my autobiography, let's get to the real meat of the question. I'm looking for guidance on integrating feminine, vulnerable/submissive qualities into my personality, and for letting go of these masculine, aggressive qualities. Does anyone know of any RPW-based information on becoming less aggressive and more vulnerable/feminine, perhaps with regards to "trauma"? My main problem with finding reading material is that I'm not sure what this situation is called and how to describe what I'm looking for. Most of the stuff I can find treads the line of "it's okay to be a masculine or aggressive woman - your husband should accept that", which is not what I believe.