We were together for almost two years.

I was at a bad place on every level when we met. She had her life together and that tripped me off.

We jumped in from an ONS to a relationship (my doings). I failed many shit tests and got in a role I couldn't sustain. Prior to that, I had chicks I wasn't attached to or afraid to let go. I was never ready for a relationship (was too broke and lost).

Shortly after, my crisis lingered and I moved into her spot with hopes of getting mine. (Fact, I didn't believe in myself and couldn't put a finger on what was wrong with me. I thought it was ADHD but drugs didn't go far).

A few months later, attraction started dying. I knew it was time to pick up myself. I picked up NMMNG and TRM. I learned a bit and started working out. We started having issues and broke it off several times while living together but still ended up doing the same shit.

The last fight got physical and I moved out. I tried getting her to forgive but she said I can move. She wanted me to orbit and feel free to chat with her. I didn't and let it go (or thought so). During this time, I had chicks coming over. I never was attached to any of them.

Several times within two months, she reached out for help (we didn't block ourselves but was NC). I felt obliged because I misplaced her device with access to her account but was going to draw the line. Every buzz reminded me of hitting her after keeping me at her place. Out of guilt, I asked her for a drink and she came over.

We had a drink and l lost myself telling her I wanted her back. She claimed she was seeing someone. I texted her the same day telling her if she weren't getting back, it was goodbye in a few days (and was going to block her this time).

I knew I needed to work on myself. I started the journey and found I was attracting several girls.

A few days later, she buzzed and asked to come over. She did and we found ourselves at her place. I tried touching her but she declined. I was ready to leave and she refused and pushed her body to mine asking for sex. I knew something was up and wasn't ready to be a fuckbuddy with an ex I had a history with. (I was still needy. A part of me wanted to hit and go my way).

She asked that we be fuckbuddies. I asked if she's had sex since and she said YES. She asked me and I said NO (I lied). We started talking on why things didn't work and I was open (or so I thought) with my emotions and allowed her to see how I felt. We had sex and she said she missed me.

Later on, she asked me to promise not to hit her again. I did. I yabbered on for a while about my fuckups stating I wasn't connected to myself and we were officially back.

She later said she didn't have any sex and isn't seeing anyone but said those things to hurt and test me to prove I truly cared for her.

I've peaked into myself and found reasons why I was so attached to this particular girl (when I have walked out of every other. And she isn't even a 7). I found out that:

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  • I had a void inside me that I was expecting her to fill. (Same way, I use apps like Tinder, get girls number and never call them)
  • I got attached to her because she possessed things I didn't and I felt challenged.
  • I was competing with her to best her efforts and became controlling in order to prove my worth.
  • I had bad habits: talking too much, and forcing connections, etc.
  • She has confidence and wealth most girls her age don't possess and it tripped me off and became competitive.

Now I see myself for who I am. Now, I know I need to work on myself and fill the void. I have three options:

- Tell her it will be right we become FWB's and if we see anything good, we stick. This sounds like a temporal open relationship - I don't want to own her but I don't share women.

- STFU, and keep working on myself and see if it leads anywhere

- Just end it and keep working on myself.

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Thanks in advance for your suggestions