3 years ago this month I went down a rabbit hole that has changed my life forever.

Before that, just like any teenager, I looked at porn once in a while. It was limited to the basic pornhub type of stuff. I didn’t think it was ever too much of an issue for me. I was busy with school and sports and life. I dated a few girls, had a normal sex life with them.

But then I entered a period in college of serious self-reflection, mind opening, and soul searching. During this period I discovered things online that have damaged my mind to the point of no return, I think.

I found new kinds of porn: real-life sexual content. Not people doing it for money and set-up videos. But real young people out there just sharing sex content for fun. VSCO app. Tons of it on there, especially originating from other countries where young people seem to share nudity and porn with their social groups and the public with no reservations. Pretty crazy. Imagine sharing sex pics on your Snapchat stories for all your buddies and acquaintances to see. Tumblr, before it banned porn. Twitter. There are Twitter accounts that “bait” girls and guys into sharing nudes and porn, and then they share it on there and in formats like Telegram and Dropbox and Google drive. There was this college Snapchat/Twitter account where college people shared porn.

I got into all that stuff, little by little, shocked at just how much of it is out there, but not able to stop. Consuming it became part of me because it felt like the most real, raw, amazing shit in the universe. And the crazy thing is, I don’t think most people realize how much of this TYPE of porn there is out there.

To me, this stuff feels like the red pill in terms of the movie The Matrix. Before, I was blue pilled, knowing what sex was and that everyone did it and it was just a small part of life. But then I stumbled across this extreme amateur sex content everywhere. This is the red pill, the deepest darkest reality, and I awoke to it. It has taken me to very dark places because it has since consumed so much of my time.

I have tried to quit looking it up. I have deleted all content and apps from my phone, only to use them again and consume things again after a few weeks, if I make it that long. And the thing that scares and confuses me the most is that the young people in this type of real-life porn content are just normal (maybe even popular) people with normal lives, but they seem to live on sex, drugs, and that kind of stuff. If they’re making it part of their lives, then how can I sit here and reject it? How can I renounce it for good? I want to be popular and a winner, so why should I NOT be involved in it if it’s working for these people?

I feel like I can’t go back. Renouncing all of this digital porn content would be like taking the blue pill and going back to innocent, blissful life. But I’d know it’s still out there. So I can’t go back. But I also hate how it makes me feel. It has made me feel almost like there is zero point to life now except orgasming as much as humanly possible. I need serious mental help. Can anyone understand or offer any advice about this?