I am writing this for myself, as a reminder of my self-worth and how before I found this sub, I had been brainwashed by my parents, my culture, my pickme girlfriends, and abusive NVM “partners,” which has resulted in me being unemployed, a single mother, friendless, lost all of my savings—but the happiest I have ever been.

To start off, I grew up in a very dysfunctional family, only child. I will never forget how my father pulled me aside when I was 14 and told me that I was not Victoria secret model beautiful, just cute, so I needed to stay skinny and work on my personality (aka be a people pleaser) if I ever wanted to get anywhere in life (aka find a man that my dad approves of). His treatment of my mother at times would he considered HV, but it was as a reward for her being skinny, attractive, cooking, cleaning, etc. He is famous for saying even back in 1989, that once they get married and come to the US (we are Russian) that she needs to get her nose done because it annoys him to look at her and to get her crooked tooth pulled and replaced with a new tooth for a better smile. My mother is now 53 and all I see is her valuing her looks, as opposed to the value she brings as a human being. She used to work for the space program and was a classically trained pianist. She is now a very 2D person, which is what I see my father liking. He has told me his ideal woman is somebody who would blindly support him and not talk back. And ideal marriage is when there is no disagreement. There was obviously a lot of abuse and dysfunction within my family and even to this day, my father doesn’t value me because I am his daughter—he shows me approval only when I have a drop in weight (gained a lot after having my child) or dress nicely. He is embarrassed that I am a single mother and lies to everybody about my situation because it is unseemly for a woman and would ruin his reputation among the neighborhood.

This environment, coupled with neglect, insecurity, low self esteem, and my desire to be loved all culminated in me wanting love—which I found through the attention of boys. They treated me so poorly, and I was attracted to very LVM, literally picking the first dudes that paid attention to me that were somewhat persistent because I thought that was what love was. I had at some point even dated a man 18 years older than me for four years. Honestly, I could have been his daughter. I did not see the mental abuse, the creepiness, the predatory language and actions, the manipulation, the disregard for responsibility—all of that was coveted by all of my girlfriends, they being jealous because I always got flowers, went on insane globetrotting first-class trips, expensive jewelry and restaurants, lived in a penthouse in a very HCOL area, etc. When he left me, because I ended up becoming deeply depressed due to the constant unhappiness and erosion of ME, I decided that I needed to find somebody opposite of him, because that would mean love, right? One of the last things he ever told me was that I should feel bad for him, because he is so much older and he will never find another girlfriend that is as young, beautiful, and smart as me. WTF! I didn’t understand the significance of that until some time later. Remembering all the creepy sex stuff, and how he pushed on boundaries because I “needed to explore and this was a safe space” and how he liked to be able to fully wrap his hands around my waist because he liked that it was so small, only now just seems so horrible—I was a child Barbie to him. He had no business dating somebody so young and naive.

My father taught me that I needed to cook, clean, sacrifice, give birth, put my career on hold for my husband, help pay for stuff, women are more predisposed to raise children and men aren’t interested in children, how he and my mother wish they had a son instead of a daughter because women are annoying and whine a lot. They can’t help do real stuff. Which is strange because my dad has some very liberal views on abortion, single mothers by choice, and female independence. So I thought that if I followed my fathers advice, I would find love and acceptance. Instead, I found a narcissistic abuser who wanted me to do all the sacrificing and for his life to stay status quo, he showed barely any effort, even though he said he “tried.” Through my own folly, I believed him because I thought it was the “right” way a woman and a partner should act. My father is shocked that I did so much and got nothing in return. In three years, I never received a gift from him, he watched Netflix while I gave birth to our son (he told me he didn’t know what to do as he was a first time father and he was scared—wow), he was mentally, verbally, and emotionally abusive—at one point stating that he will take my son from me because I am a bad mother and only existed to give him a child—I have no other use. He moans how it was all a joke or how he never said that or that I should be grateful that he was at the birth. I am in the process of divorcing him and fighting for full custody, thankfully he lives and works in Latin America—but had made so many threats to kidnap our son, and fighting me in court to not have to contribute anything to our sons education, activities, etc.

I have had so many men tell me that I am unhappy because my standards are too high and I was wrong to expect them to give me the same level of effort that I give them. I was told by girls and guys that I am “too much” and need to reign in my personality. I had girls hate on ME, because their boyfriends told them that they wanted to fuck me or gave me attention—which I never reciprocated. I had men and women tell me that I am too intimidating and that I shouldn’t be so opinionated—that I should hide my intelligence and thoughts on a subject—be more surface level. That I should just be more quiet. I have felt so dead inside for 15 years. I have had to constantly answer for the actions of “men.”

I have tried to fit into this box of an ideal woman for so long, because I was told that is the only way I had value—while the whole time I have been screaming inside. I realized why I stopped loving all the things I loved, because a dude didn’t like it, or it wasn’t meant for a girl, I have limited myself constantly to spare a man’s feelings. I have realized why I have been so anxious and so depressed—because I am a strong woman trying to live in a mans world and instead of having sisters support sisters, we have women settling and giving excuses for these weak men. I don’t want a partner that I have to mother, I want a man who wants a wife, not a home away from home mama. I don’t want to raise my son to be another one of these NVM, I don’t want him to see his mother accept and condone these type of actions. I have so to learn and only starting my journey.

I have nothing to my name, literally nothing, but I do have a new confidence and inner love. It is okay to get up from a bad date and leave, it is okay to block, it is okay to say no, it is okay to want what I want and want a high level of effort, that it is better to be alone than settle, that I don’t owe men anything, and that I am not an object with limited reasons to exist and to exist in a certain way.