Hamstering versus valid feelings: commitment

[deleted] · 2018-04-07T11:32:06+00:00

To me, an important question to ask would be; what is at the bottom of your doubts?

Is your dissatisfaction rooted in a buried desire to "behave badly"? That's the hamster. Only you can be brutally honest with yourself about that.

Or, are your doubts more related to feelings that he's not a man you'll be able to continue to love & respect?

I think it's essential to feel a passion, respect, and adoration for him that is nearly unshakeable. But the keyword is "nearly." There will always be moments of frustration, disagreement, and sometimes even doubt - even more when you are young or still finding yourself. Those feelings shouldn't stop you from committing to someone you otherwise totally adore and have evaluated as worth your respect. Everyone has those moments.

Nothing is a 100% sure thing, except YOU. You can choose to be totally committed and firm in your relationship, no matter what. It would be ideal to say that you can wait until you are self-aware and sure enough to know EXACTLY what you want, without any hesitations. But sometimes, that doesn't happen until you're a bit older, and you can miss out on the right one in the meantime.

I would ask again; are your doubts more related to feelings that he's not a man you'll be able to continue to love & respect? If not... he sounds pretty great.

nte52 · 2018-04-07T10:39:28+00:00

What do you hope to achieve by yourself that you can’t achieve together? A good marriage allows both partners to grow.

Think of your relationship as a tree. When the tree or your relationship is young, little things can upend the tree or your relationship.

As you get older and the relationship matures, the roots are strong and intertwined. Sometimes the branches are close and sometimes they go in different directions, but the roots are always together. A marriage is like that. You two may have vastly different interests and hobbies, but the important things like faith, respect, love and honor to each other, keep you together. That is the root of your relationship.

Ask yourself what you want to do by yourself that you can’t do with your Captain. Differing interests and goals don’t mean the end of a relationship. The roots you build together will keep you together as you each explore the world, sometimes together, sometimes apart.

KittenLoves_ · 2018-04-07T15:22:07+00:00

The majority of people I met in grad school were married or engaged, and they all seemed to be doing just fine. ;)

The hamster is your unfounded fears working on overdrive. Your gut is that sudden instinct you get in a bad situation. Worrying about only having one partner or not being able to do well in grad school because you're not single are 100% hamstery. Ask yourself - would you really be happier if you were single? If the answer is no, then every other fear is just your mind working itself up.

MrsK4eva1022 · 2018-04-07T14:55:47+00:00

Some people only ever date one person and there's nothing wrong with that. Some people date a lot of people before they figure out what they want. Neither of those is wrong. You have found someone who makes you happy and who you want to be with. Everyone at some point will think the way you are about something in their past but if the guy you are with is genuine and you both have what each other looks for then only being with him will make you appreciate what he does for you and you won't have another person to compare to.

TheLaughingRhino · Sat Apr 7 19:32:00 2018 UTC

Yes = Yes No = No A hesitation = No I'll think about it = No Give me some time to consider = No I don't know how I feel = No

Do you want to marry this guy?

I don't know how I feel.

The answer then is "No"

With something like marriage, you are all "in", or you are, by default, all "out"

Taking this back to the tried and true Hunter/Gatherer/Caveperson Matrix, women want security and safety, because this is the ideal construct to raise healthy children who will survive. Your mate is working on getting "established" But like most people, it just takes time. It's a "long game" in basic terms. But he is not yet "established" The possibility exists that while hes trying hard to get there, that he might not.

This is likely the basis of your anxiety. Women want a "sure thing". Real life provides no sure things. But that's practical and logical and frankly what a woman "feels" is often what rules her mindset.

I've said this before in this subreddit, nearly all men will practically marry when it's "time". Meaning after they are established. The reason they don't otherwise for the most part is because of what is exactly happening right here. Doubt, conflict, self generated drama. Men learn from seeing other men take hits. This is how the human race has survived. They see non established men take the plunge and basically get run over.

If your primary concern is on security and establishment, then your mate is likely a Beta Bucks. Notice how you talk about him, you are mentioning status attributes. His education. His status in sports. His potential to be a father. How we talk about our mate says a lot about how we really feel about them and how we value them.

How would you feel, if you were a fly on a wall, and you heard him talking to a male friend, that he is engaged to you, but well, he's not quite sure. Should he stay with you. What about other women he could potentially miss out on. Is he missing out on other experiences? How would that make you feel, would you want to marry someone who felt that way about you? Talked that way about you? Then why should he?

A hesitation equals "No"

Would you not want the person you marry to love you and want to be with you all the pure joy in their heart? No doubt at all?

You don't have to answer this here, but you need to answer it for yourself. Who is the other guy and what does he really mean to you? And would you want your fiance to have that kind of interaction with another girl in the opposite direction and how would that make you feel. It doesn't mean you are cheating. It doesn't mean you will cheat. It doesn't mean you will branch swing. But it's called hypergamy (core Red Pill methodology) for a reason.

In situations like this, there is always another guy. He's interesting. He's playful. He's handsome. I can't stop thinking about him.

No, he's just new and he's just different. That's all. But that's logic, that's not feelings. The "hamster" is rocket powered by feelings.

Every so often in this subreddit, a woman will ask, when will he propose? Usually regarding a guy trying to establish himself. Set up his career, finish his education, etc. Nearly all men marry when "it's time" Most women don't like this answer because it hammers out all the romantic notions out of it. She is not "The One", she's more of just there at the right time and place. But that's real life, sometimes it's more about being in the right time and place than anything else. But it doesn't feel good. It doesn't sound good. It's not a good story at dinner parties to other couples.

The reason so many men are waiting so long to propose is because they see so many men who do just get outright punished for it. Men aren't that complicated. They see men taking hits and they just don't want to get hit too. This is how the human race has survived. By men making measured risks.

This is not personal, but this relationship, IMHO, is "over". When it ends is entirely up to you.

Good luck.

Title	Hamstering versus valid feelings: commitment
Author	yikezzz77
Upvotes	5
Comments	5
Date	April 7, 2018 6:35 AM UTC (8 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/8agd1w/hamstering_versus_valid_feelings_commitment/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/hamstering-versus-valid-feelings-commitment.74552 https://theredarchive.com/post/74552

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