I learned about no fap a few years ago right after highschool. All the benefits sounded exactly what I yearned for. I practiced it and slowly cut porn out of my life and eventually for the most part fapping. Truly I felt incredible... I could actually talk to people and not feel like I’m having a panic attack. Normally I had the reason to feel anxiety but just by withholding my seed it gave me an upward push with everything. Instead of looking at everything as hopeless and bleak I felt like I accepted my situation and myself more. The main difference is I think it gave me energy and somehow I could tell that energy could be put towards changing and improving. Just knowing that I had this potential power inside gave me a confidence I never had before. I would still act in pretty much all my old behavior patterns. Still kinda shy don’t really talk much. But I had a feeling and yearning and just general motivation for things and women that I don’t remember having. It started to make sense to me how these alpha guys just took these seemingly insane ballsy risks in so many situations. It gives you some sort of internal belief and confidence delusional or not.

but it’s all relative, compared to my old internal self I was a golden god but I still had the same insecurities and problems SR and no fap just made me feel like they were no big deal well I was on a streak. I have been addicted to this feeling ever since and I’ve been retaining for two or so years with a relapse every 1-2 months with either myself or with women. So actually I was using it more so to feel better and more comfortable about myself rather than trying to grow all the time. I used it as a comfort crutch.. I think? But you can say the same about fapping. That’s a comfort crutch if anything.

Over the course do the past few years I kept feeling like I learned all theres is too know. But my believes kept being broken and challenged. I’ve tried to understand this addiction very deeply and I think I finally found out for me.

At my core true self I am a very insecure and validations seeking person. This developed as a kid as I was the shit pile of my neighborhood friends. They’d be my friend one day then use me to play my video games or have my families food and drinks. I remember they would try to ditch me and I would convince them to hangout by telling them they could have Diet Coke from my fridge. That right there is enough to symbolize how my relationship for the most part was with my friends. Although one or two them were truly genuine and didn’t do anything mean.

In school I couldn’t focus all I cared about was video games and my mom and dad were popping pills and passing out in their lap well my dad was also dying from cancer. My siblings were damaged too and a bit older so they were dealing with their own trauma.

I was depressed and lost and just sat in the backround for middle school. I remember it starting off alright. But around 5th or 6th grade I found masturbation.

I remember once I found that I started doing it frequently. Me and my best friends thought it was funny to secretly fap in the boys locker room. Like a taboo secret that only we were in on. Over time we became fucking weirdos afraid of everybody and everybody thought we were strange and weird. Which granted they were right. I don’t remember exactly what happened but along the line I kinda gave up and just embraced the role I was given. Me and my best friend had a lot of fun times and who cares what others think right? “Just be yourself” lol that’s what I thought and was told. All it did was make me an outcast and make everybody seemingly dislike us and call us gay. Thinking back I don’t blame them we weren’t trying to fit in so why should we be accepted.

This repeated for a few years then highschool started I remember thinking. This is a fresh start. The last few years have been hell I’m going to fit in and be normal. The bullying stopped in HS. I made an effort to not do things out of the normal and I had terrible social anxiety and was insecure. I tried to hide In the middle of the pack. I was still kinda a weirdo but not too bad and I mostly kept to myself unless it was my friend group. Looking back I think a lot of people wanted to be my friend but I didn’t see it that way. I had my defenses up and had false assumptions about others. Plus a majority were kids from my middle school so it felt impossible to break into the groups cause although everyone seemed to move on I was stuck in the past.

Everyday pretty much I would dread school come home then masturbate and play video games. This was my cycle from 5th grade to after graduation.

There were people and girls interested in me and I was too afraid to act on it. I reserved myself to make other feel more comfortable and I regret it terribly. So many situations where I could’ve said some shit. I could’ve defended my self or said a witty comment that I was thinking about. As a fapper and a porn addict this was impossible to do.

Another side note was I was so anti social that I had a Terrible mumbling problem. I thought I would be speaking clearly but others would have no idea what I said. Or straight up ignore me. To my brain it would take it as oh another rejection you shouldn’t open your mouth anymore it never works out. I would try to speak louder I would still get ignored although it helped sometimes.

Later on I saw a video my friend recorded and I sounded fucking retarted. Like holy shit. No wonder I was in speech therapy in middle school. I hated it and didn’t understand it and my overly loving foster mom of course took her little boy out of it because he didn’t like it.. that should could’ve changed my life.

The main realization is that a lot of the time people jsut didn’t fucking hear me. Or I didn’t have enough volume to keep their attention. But from my perspective people just ignored me and didn’t wanna listen to me. Which just made me quieter and quieter. It’s a terrible cycle. To others they weren’t trying to be mean to me or anything now looking back. A lot of the time they probably didn’t fully hear me or I didn’t catch their attention and subconsciously started doing other shit. I’ve done that before a million times.

It sucked it made me think like all this shit was in my hesd for years. Maybe if I just spoke confident and clearly people wouldn’t look at me as so weak and feeble. Cause internally I didn’t feel incapable but consistently people would treat me like a lost puppy and it would make me angry. Like why tf are you babying me right now? I couldn’t understand.. anyways

Like I said I found no fap and immediately so much of these negative thoughts subsided atleast temporarily. Or atleast were put to the side well the hunger of chasing women and goals filled my mind.

I remember the hottest girl at my HS who I had a few classes with back in HS. Honestly I think had a crush on me. And guess what I was a fucking pussy who couldn’t speak up or take action. There was a few times I could but I didn’t and I was ducking stupid.

I get a class with her again at this local college. At this point I was on a 90 day streak as I was trying to come in hot and ready for college I wanted to not be my old self anymore. We kinda talked in HS as we had the same “special Ed” class. Which was really just a study hall for people with learning troubles. She had dyslexia n I had adhd and shit.

At the time it felt like a gift from god. I retained for 90 days. Now here’s the hottest girl in my HS who randomly is in my class at the same college I randomly chose. I remember seeing her she was very friendly and open. Even with my 90 days I remember I was so fucking nervous and scared. Felt just like how I did before inside of classrooms and school. But I had that edge to me. I was actually able to somewhat speak! To a pretty girl without my brain dying after 1 second. Lmao it was still bad but compared to my HS self it was incredible. I had read so much about no fap and Sr and I truly believed all the benefits. Call them placebo or not I know some of them are 100% legit. Other may not be but at the very least they were powerful positive affirmations.

It’s so strange it doesn’t change you Internally all the way. You have all your old wiring. But u have a confidence telling you to push through which helps hold back the negative wiring. At the same time I was super nervous but I also genuinely believed I had her in the bag and I think she likes me. I read so much about female attraction and magnetism. And she prettt much put in all the effort to connect with me. But I was still a fucking retard.

I was trying to act cool like I did in HS which essentially meant acting aloof and Intentionally trying to show I had no interest at all cause in my head it had been wired in showing interest to girls equals BAD. I’m sure it worked a lot but I took it to the extreme. I would want to converse with them but then my brain would say don’t be a bitch and show any interest.

So that’s what I did. We talked a few times she made an effort to walk with me outside of class. I remember she made the comment “the boys at this college are really cute” guess what my respond was GUYS HOLY SHIT YOUR GONNA LOVE THIS ONE.

I said..... “Don’t you have a boyfriend?” I could see it change in her face she didn’t lose interest but I didn’t realize she was trying to Flirt with me and I went retard. I could tell She wanted to maintain her public image and went into that mode realizing I’m stupid or I’m not the type of guy that would keep that lowkey.

The rest of the semester I wanted to talk but I was too afraid. Played the uninterest so hard that she literally thought I didn’t want to be her friend or anything. But inside it’s all I wanted.

Looking back I rejected myself. Even after that stupid comment I could’ve continued to connect and talked with her. But I told myself it was over. I fucked up. It’s done. So I stopped putting in effort to talk to her. I wanted to hangout but I was afraid of asking someone on a date.

Like holy shit man right there is the story of my whole fucking life. Like I want to cry right now. Like that shit over and over and over again. Having a negative assumption about evrything which leads to me not taking any action as I think I’ll just be rejected and fail again.

Like literally it was easy as me just talking with her and I guaranteed something would’ve came from it. I don’t care if I wasn’t TRP or not at the time. I was trying so hard to embrace all the traits to get others validation. I forgot how to be myself. As myself was atleast how I viewed it. “ a bitch” even if I was that’s the biggest thing that I think has hurt me. Everything says to not be yourself. And be better. But I feel like too much and I just Cant be myself but everytime I ignored that and chose to be myself it almost always worked out.

All this shit I’m still doing^ I’m much more competent socially but I still have a long way to go.

This was a rant/ vent but I needed to get it off my chest man I’ve been dealing with this shit for so long and I feel stuck.

To connect this altogether this is how everything started.

I had a low self value and was anti social and a gamer. Had no guidance. Socially became years behind others. Got rejected so hid myself even more and repeat that cycle. Then I found porn and fapping. You know what that truly eased??? No it wasn’t a “high libido” It was my desire to be validated by not only a women but other people in general. I would have sex with the people I liked in my brain. That would make me feel enough and validated temporarily.

But would also lead to me not taking any action with those people in real life as I had no motivation. Because I’m my brain I already “did”. Created a cycle of inaction towards the things that I wanted and tricking myself into thinking I already achieved it temporarily.

Now with SR and no fap I’ve been practicing but I have never been able to reach 90 days like the first time. I gave been stuck in this cycle of wanting to improve. But then I want women and I want them really bad. Cant I have both? It seems that when I retained for too long I’d become a maniac needy for sex then I’d fap and restart the cycle. Now I think that fapping can be normal for people that don’t have this validation insecurity. I also realized you can’t brute force your way out of this addiction. I’ve tried for over two years trust me. You must dig deeper. I thought I already did but guess what! It took me over 3 years to find the simple fucking answer.

I wanted validation I never got it. Porn and fapping not only gave me pleasure but gave me that validation temporarily. Then I’d get depressed knowing it’s not real. Then fap and repeat.

Now I want to do just SR and hookup with sexy women. But guess what it’s the same shit. I want sexy woman. I want to have sex and improve skills with women.

Now I’m not sure. I don’t know what else to say. I guess I’m going to go back on no fap but kill that need for validation through meditation.

I guess another point was that no fap will actually exaggerate your cons as well as your pros.

Yes I got all the benefits. But I don’t get this crazy benefits. I just get bombarded with the emotional trauma I’ve buried for 14 years. When on SR it’s in my face constantly. I feel confident and more powerful. I still feel anxiety. I feel like I’m gritting my teeth with stress. I think about wanting to fuck and not being able too. I think about how I looked stupid in a situation and get judged by those people at work who I wanted to view me as a competent because I’ve been working really hard to do my best and I make one mistake and that’s what they look at. Then again I speak quieter then I think and people ignore and disregard me. Not knowing if only I speaked louder I would realize that’s not the case but it is in my reality.

Point is nothing will change ur life. I don’t think porn and fapping should be done at all even after last night where I relapsed. I did it to feel the comfort of not being horny and high strung and angry for not getting pussy. Which is really just validation I was seeking. I cheated my brain and biology. I didn’t deserve that orgasm last night.

I realized it’s also not good think like that either. The main thing is to kill that validation seeking. That’s the reason why u fap. It’s not for pleasure. Sr without dealing with the trauma is dangerous and I’ve been doing it for a long ass time. Desl with that trauma. Or it will always be a Battle and the demon will always come back. Once u kill that demon and let it go. You won’t have to fight. It will be your natural state now.

I have become 10x more needy with SR I trusted my instincts but it led me to doing everything a needy beta does. As being on SR ur instinct becomes very strong and it feels very easy to feel grounded and confident in your choices and decisions over time. U get in ur own masculine state and being natural is prettt easy. All that means is you feel comfortable being what you are. Whether that’s a blabber mouth or a quiet dude.

I started getting rejected more and more in OLD and it caused me to put more and more effort in and all It led was to frustration and anger and made doing everything that TRP says very difficult.

TLDR Do not use TRP or no fap or semen retention to mask your insecurities. You may become very good at hiding and repressing them but they will always come out. And you never feel truly comfortable and happy with yourself. Yes it will give you sex which will validate you and that can help. But it’s temporary. Then you’ll start to rely on a steady dose of hot women to maintain that validation and image you’ve created of yourself. To where if all the sudden 99% of u stopped getting pussy for 3 months you would turn into a needy insecure weak bitch that most of us still have inside.

Use everything you have to find the core of your negative thoughts and actions and cut them out.

I have spent years following the guidelines and I still feel shitty inside. Not TRP fault not nofap a fault it’s ultimately mine. Which sucks ass. I believe the main demon for most of us is we want that validation but from the beginning we lie to ourselves and say oh we don’t have problem with that. So as u grow and improbe you are confused about what’s eating at u but it’s right in front of you but you’ve rationalized yourself so u don’t have to face it.

Sorry for the crazy rant. Hope u read and can take something from it or drop some advice. Thank you.

Only thing no fap does over time is expose the real you. WHICH IS NECESSARY. Stop trying to hide that real you because you’ve learned to Become ashamed of it. It needs to come out u need to face it or u will never ever fucking grow.