I was told to post this here too.

26f and my now husband 25m have been together since senior year of school. I had cheated about 3 years into the relationship that lead us both to a downward spiral. I went to therapy to understand my actions and what is really my problems underneath. But he forgiven me he’s said but the comments still happened. Since then it’s been 5 years, I feel love towards him almost always. He’s my person, he calms my nerves. It had taken 6 months ago for him to finally actually wanna set a date, this always made me feel uneasy in our relationship and I still do even though we’re married. But he has bad habits that I fear will not change over the years and the love for him for me always isn’t there. Commonly saying he can do whatever he wants, do one tells him what to do while most days I’m home. He also has bipolar, depression he will not treat even though I try to support. Bad habits such as too much marijuana everyday, I’m a stoner but this is pretty far, lying about cigarettes when I really do want to help, can’t have one drink or he’ll drink till he blacks out, raises his voice to me whenever things are wrong (that’s trigger for me and he knows), always expresses he wants food after I’ve already cooked something or complaints what I cook he doesn’t like. I know I’m indecisive as fuck, I’m sure it’s annoying so I know I have bad qualities too. We attempt to communicate about these things in the moment but it’s like we’re reading completely different books. He does work and supply for us we well but I’m still the bread winner so I have no mind paying more but not feeling appreciated. Until I had started talking to a friend I’ve realized my relationship has made me feel uneasy again and not comfortable and more forced. I wanna be happy with not being nervous about my husbands actions. Just want some advice?

PS: I said that he’s scared he’d never find someone that was as pretty and love him like I do. So I settle for less love for me? I’m so confused and feel like I’m being gaslighted.

Also this morning I woke up 6am he’s gone, I freak he doesn’t work till 8 I didn’t hear him leave. I called in a frantic and proceeds to tell me he likes to get things done early unlike me and what you think I’m out to see a woman??!? I told him the comments weren’t necessary and he just kept saying it was hopeless to talk to me. I’ve been to therapy for this before. Idk what to do from here. Everyone tells me I’m kind person, thoughtful, but I don’t feel it anymore. I feel so stuck