How to decide on relationship boundaries for my girlfriend . . . who is a lesbian

Strange one, I know.

Girlfriend was a lesbian. I called bullshit at first but it seems to check out from her past relationships, what her friends believed etc. etc. She'd never been attracted to men, and had only been with girls. Then she met me and we're together.

She's definitely romantically attracted to me, though I was worried about the sexual side. She tells me once she got more attached to me she started to get more sexually attracted to me, and can confirm that I can make her wet pretty easily and she's usually up for sexual stuff. Though she says she still isn't attracted to guys, but is still attracted to girls, in general. For some reason I'm the exception. Obviously I'm not an exception, I'm not stupid, but I think maybe she's a lesbian with very specific things she looks for in guys. A bit like how I'm straight and don't find guys romantically or sexually attractive, but for some reason fancied the shit out of one of my guy friends for ages. Go figure. So I can kind of relate to what she says. (Maybe that's technically bisexual with like 99% leaning in one direction, whatever, it's all semantics).

Anyway, my question is, in an environment where I have no frame of reference for how to act, like this one, how do I know what boundaries I should have? For instance, if my ex girlfriend had said she was going on holiday with her guy friend I would have nope'd out of there. But what if she wants to go on holiday with one of her girl friends? What about living arrangements with sharing a house with girls at uni? What about smaller things? How do I know where I stand? She has lots of girl friends and few guy friends. It feels wrong for me to treat her girl friends the same as I'd treat a straight girl's guy friends. But maybe that should be exactly what I should do.

Any suggestions?

Also for anyone that says "if something makes you uncomfortable don't put up with it" or something similar: the problem is I'm in such an unfamiliar situation I don't even know what does or should make me uncomfortable, what should or should not be acceptable.

Cheers for any advice

[–]abdada0 points1 point2 points 9 years ago (8 children) | Copy Link

[–]jrockpunk1[S] 0 points1 point2 points 9 years ago (7 children) | Copy Link

[–]abdada-1 points0 points1 point 9 years ago (6 children) | Copy Link

[–]jrockpunk1[S] 0 points1 point2 points 9 years ago (5 children) | Copy Link

[–]abdada-2 points-1 points0 points 9 years ago (4 children) | Copy Link

[–]jrockpunk1[S] 0 points1 point2 points 9 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link

[–]abdada-5 points-4 points-3 points 9 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link

[–]jrockpunk1[S] 1 point2 points3 points 9 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link

[–]the_Milkweed3 points4 points5 points 9 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point2 points 9 years ago (10 children) | Copy Link

[–]jrockpunk1[S] 0 points1 point2 points 9 years ago (9 children) | Copy Link

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point2 points 9 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

[–]kruxofthemimed0 points1 point2 points 9 years ago (6 children) | Copy Link

But not to the extent where I'll let it influence my decisions.

you have an implicit bias, so yes it does affect your decision making. find out what your boundary is. If she is sneaking around and fucking girls behind your back and that makes you uncomfortable, next. be upfront and tell her confidently that shes not gonna be playing around with other girls unless you're involved if that's your thing. If you want very strict monogamy then say that. There are no objective rules, it all depends on what you like dude. dont over conceptualize it.

ahh just read the rest of the post. She's probably using you for your beta traits and stability. You are never the exception, remember that. there are men better looking than you and there always will be. If she isn't attracted to those men, she's either not attracted to you or she's lying to try and comfort you

[–]kruxofthemimed0 points1 point2 points 9 years ago (4 children) | Copy Link

Well apply the situation to a similar hypothetical. Straight girlfriend going on a trip with another guy alone? Yeah fuck that. It's the same situation, you're overthinking it lol. Lesbians don't get special rules just because they're girls and they should be able to have "girl time". I'm also very uncertain that your GF is being honest with you. I'd next it just because of that, and it's pretty much impossible to let her maintain a social life with friends while you're constantly worried she's fucking them behind your back. If you don't mind her getting down to the dirty with other girls then make it a standard that she is open about it with you.

I would never try to date somebody who is seemingly only attracted to women, but if I dated a bisexual girl I'd set strict boundaries. She can bring girls home, but if she were to ever fuck somebody without me she'd get nexted. You can follow the same rules if you like, or lay down your own depending on what you want.

To clarify, no she would not go on holiday trips without me, and neither should yours. If she asks, then say yes and that you're gonna be going on vacation with another girl as well.

[–]kruxofthemimed0 points1 point2 points 9 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link

Yes. Treat her as a bisexual for sure. She doesn't need to go on trips without you, if she insists she does then something else is going on lol.

she does say she's never been attracted to any other guys.

Again, huge red flag. You need to talk to her about this. You don't want to be the guy she was "confused" about because she liked some underlying aspect of you like money, stability, comfort, validation, etc. You want an LTR? Make sure she's LTR material, man. If she's straight up saying she usually doesn't like guys then I'd be concerned first and foremost that she won't be around for long. You're gonna end up doing whatever you want, which will probably be staying with her until she spills the beans (or maybe it wont happen who knows) but I definitely urge you to stomp that shit quick if that's all it is.

[–]jrockpunk1[S] 0 points1 point2 points 9 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link

If I'm being honest with you guys, and myself, I can say that I understand this relationship probably won't last. Unfortunately I've got to the stage of attached where I don't want to break up with her until she oversteps some mark or it becomes more clear that we won't work out.

With that being said, this is very personal so I feel kind of bad for sharing, but at the same time I'm under a pseudonym so it doesn't really matter: she was abused pretty badly by a man as a child. This, to me, could be one explanation for her being a "lesbian". I'm no psychologist, but it seems plausible to me that she has simply been subconsciously afraid of men, but maybe saw me as less threatening or saw some aspect of me that she found possible to surpass the trauma.

But that was a bit of a tangent, because the more important (for the relationship) thing I wanted to get to, because of the above trauma, is that of sex. We've had to really gradually do more and more (took a month or 2 to do anything sexual, and now we're doing -- and she seems to be enjoying doing -- everything sexual other than sex). She had panic attacks at first. She said she had them with girls too but not as bad or for as long for obvious reasons. But the problem is: still no sex. When you say I'm guna end up doing whatever I want until she spills the beans, one thing I'm bearing in mind is that this relationship has a potential expiration date anyway. If we don't get anywhere with her getting over the fear of sex within the next month or so, I'm going to have to end it, because a sexless relationship isn't going to work for me. She might think that's shit of me to do, but really, anyone that denies the importance of sex is lying to themselves, especially at our age.

[–]kruxofthemimed0 points1 point2 points 9 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

If I'm being honest with you guys, and myself, I can say that I understand this relationship probably won't last.

that's a good thing to acknowledge man. Keep this in mind at all times and try to develop acceptance for it, genuine acceptance.

sexual abuse is definitely a tricky one, I think we've all dealt with that in our lives at least once or twice. I've dealt with panic attack type stuff as well. It's likely that your hypothesis about the sexual abuse leading to lesbianism is true at least somewhat, I honestly think most women are at least bisexual by default.

anyways, it's a really fine line you have to walk to try and make her comfortable with you and still keep some sexual attraction there. Part of the enjoyment of sex is literally the nerves that come with it, id be concerned that she will only fuck you when she starts to become comfortable and no longer excited by you. Anyways, probably the best thing to do is maintain your frame and try to escalate properly. Take her on a date, tease, touch her all night, then take her home and tease her more and then try to get it in. if she's not going to give you sex then you should leave soon, you're not obligated to stay with her. it would be an unhealthy relationship for both of you if you tried to make it work anyways, regardless of how angry she gets that "YOU ONLY WANTED ME FOR SEX???!1111" good luck man!

[–]asktrpthrow1230 points1 point2 points 9 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

[–]quicklogaccount0 points1 point2 points 9 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link

[–]quicklogaccount0 points1 point2 points 9 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

[–]GeorgeWallace19680 points1 point2 points 9 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

Title	How to decide on relationship boundaries for my girlfriend . . . who is a lesbian
Author	jrockpunk1
Upvotes	0
Comments	24
Date	January 31, 2017 1:58 PM UTC (9 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askTRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/asktrp/comments/5r8buv/how_to_decide_on_relationship_boundaries_for_my/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askTRP/how-to-decide-on-relationship-boundaries-for-my.81700 https://theredarchive.com/post/81700

Comments