I am a 34m, married 6.5 years this month. It’s been rough, but nothing beyond typical growth struggles. No violence, aware of no infidelity. There’s two girls involved: one from a previous relationship that I’ve come to love as my own, and adopted this year. It’s more than just a last name change, and less than an official change – I’ve been her father from get, and we did not need a legal doc to prove it to anyone. Another is five and a half now, and they are both blessed with us as parents. We both love them, and want them to recognize their potential, and be happy, and know love throughout.

We began in RI for less than a year, then moved to GA to be by her folks. We felt the magic of being by grandkids would help a few of their health issues – and it did! Her mom and dad recovered from serious disasters and scares. We adopt a dog from a bad home, and she has grown to love us, and us her. From the outside, our family unit was beautiful.

I tell her every day that she is amazing in so many ways. Gorgeous, brilliant, creative, caring. We have great times enjoying each other and our family. We also have fights. We can never agree on things, from discipline and dieting, to budgeting and saving. When we disagree, we yell. We don’t make decisions, and without decisions, we resort to defaults, which are usually her choices. That started with me coming into a role as a dad to a child that wasn’t mine, and being careful to follow her lead. It became habit, but destructive. We still have good, but the bad times start to rip away weeks from our time together on this Earth. We go from counselor to counselor until we found one that we’ve been seeing since last year.

Late September into early October, our actions and talks escalated, and I brought divorce to the table. I tried to look down the road to see if we needed something major like abuse or infidelity or dishonesty, or if we were headed that way, and we could salvage a friendship and split amicably. She stopped fighting me about it. We were both hurt and tired of this game, and the timing of the possibility of divorce was opportune. We saw our counselor Oct 2, and left feeling like divorce was inevitable. We went home, and she asked me if I was okay before going upstairs, and I broke down crying. As much as I felt we were doing the “right” thing, my heart felt my world collapse around me. Mind you, I loved her. She loved me. I finally listened to my heart, and realized that the two biggest things I’m missing is Forgiveness and Compassion.

I promised to work on that, as well as a couple of other tasks, for the sake of the marriage. She warned that I should do things for me as a person, because the marriage may not survive at this point. From that day forward, I have done something every day – be it a listen to a Podcast, hearing some gospel, or reading something towards making me a better person.

We actually maintained happiness for a while, but it took effort to stay away from topics that would turn into fights – like the divorce. The week before Halloween, we met with the counselor again, and the first thing brought up was whether divorce was still on the table, and we both lost it. Being confronted with it again, it came back so hard. Neither of us wanted to take our portion.

I operated under the presumption that she would leave, take the kids, take the car, and I would be left with scraps to survive, let alone father my children like I wanted to. One day, November 5th, I opened up to my family. I talked to my mom, for less than two minutes, and she asked what I really want. My spirit surged to a singular answer right away, and it was HER. Not to be married, but to be married TO HER. I hung up, went upstairs and at the foot of the bed, I asked if there was any chance at all. I didn’t care if it was one in a billion, because I was focused and dedicated to being the man we both always wanted – the perfect man for her. I opened up about the steps I’ve taken, the path I walked, and my desire, which was her and this family back. She heard me out, her face as stone as her heart to me. This is two weeks after we unofficially decided to call it.

That’s when I learned that there was another man. Possibly the sweetest man she ever met. Who comforted her and encouraged her. Who professed his love for her…and how she responded in kind. She said it all became more-than-friends after we declared divorce, which was mid-to-late October. She says she knows it seems fast, but it was real. She told me they had been intimate with one another. She told me that he offered her a life with a house and a place for the kids (one of our differences was that when I brought up saving for a house one day, she always said she never wanted one, so hearing this was extra brutal). She told me they had come short of actually having sex, and I clung to that. I was growing, but I wasn’t strong enough to hear that yet.

I took a couple of days and emerged with this thought: I love her more than all of this hurts. I am not competing against him, but against who I was and who I will be. I was fighting for HER. So I not only kept working on myself, I also shared my journey with my wife. I have cried a lot in the past few weeks, but she told me a few things: she loved this other man. She didn’t feel anything beyond a co-parenting friendship for me. Plan A was still divorce, and that it was the most likely outcome. Despite all this, she was giving us a chance, to see if that feeling would come back.

At her behest, I am being checked out by a doctor, and gong to therapy. I have offered foot rubs every day, back scratches to help her sleep. I have been exercising regularly. I have barely slept or eaten. I am dealing with more than I have ever dealt with. I fight because I know in my soul that I am now more than ever what this family needs, and am now the man she always wanted me to be. If I didn’t feel like that’s what I offered, I would have backed down. I comfort her as a friend who understands this was all possible because of damage I have caused.

She says by virtue of being the one who put divorce down, that I should be the one struggling to pick it back up. Despite knowing my struggles, she doesn’t share what she’s doing aside from a generic “working on herself.” She says she’s been through the emotional turmoil I’m going through, and has come out the other end, hungry to see if she can handle her life without me, or even him. I tell her that anyone who knows her would agree that she is strong enough.

Two weeks ago, I asked to have an honest session about questions on my mind. I did not ask who he was, but I asked about the timeline, and where, if at all, she hid details and truths. I asked more about what they did during those two nights she left the house to be with him when he came to town. I asked if she thought I was really changing. I asked if she was willing to be a better person with me. She told me some desperately needed truths. They go to know each other in August, he was her shoulder and confidant, and the first week of November, he came from out of town, they saw a movie, and went to a local hotel. There was intimacy, nudity oral and digital penetration. She says there was no vaginal intercourse. Coincidentally, she cites somewhere that in our state, vaginal/penal penetration needs to be proven to constitute adultery. I suspect they did, but I have no evidence of that, but if she knows that's the one thing she couldn't do, why would she admit to it? It would rack my brain all day and keep me up at night to guess and wonder and fear.

The next day, I asked about where she got to know him. She told me it was a Reddit post on a sub she didn’t even remember which. She posted about being lonely on a now-deleted Reddit account. Someone replied with a cheesy joke that made her chuckle. It grew from there. To me, it seemed so insignificant…but that interaction led to a carefree weekend so soon after we came to a conclusion about us, and it cemented certain things. She opened up to him, and shut me down for good.

Long-lasting marriages go through eras of danger and peril and sadness. Ask around. One thing they need to get to that higher level of togetherness and oneness is a heart steeled to temptation. A mind must be focused on the idea that the marriage is best. Communication and Finance issues are common. Two hearts becoming one takes time and conflict. But it requires an environment where the hope of relationship comes first. When someone comes in as comfort and relief, the intention should be that it will get better. Help a marriage become something strong and worthwhile. Something you can point to that give your kids hope. The world is a better place when a family perseveres. This marriage was salvageable from my perspective - a renewed and invigorated sense of love and God's strength.

She did not share that perspective. She had fallen out of love with me, and I came to grips that my affections would not serve me. I needed to tackle the future. There's the divorce, and there's the custody. I'm swinging.

I'd open up an AMA, but there are too many details I will only divulge in DMs. I have a lot of questions for people, particularly men with experience, who have gone through this. The past few weeks of sleeping in my own guest bedroom, doing research, consultations, and maintaining focus has been good for my mental fortitude. I filed last week, and she has been served. She severed ties on Facebook, but a friend screenshot a rant she went on afterwards and forwarded it to me. She has denied me use of the car, stating it's in her name, and it was purchased before the marriage, and she doesn't want me driving it...I couldn't bring the kids to church on Sunday.

I am now organizing my case. Divorce, Custody. I am now seeking advice and wisdom. How do I handle the car situation? How do I go about collecting data and evidence from her phone history/logs? I do have evidence of her infidelity, but how do I get more? Neither of us can afford the $3k retainer for a lawyer, so we're unrepresented for the time being, and I'm not too confident in those I've found anyway. There is no SA as of yet. I'm waiting for the clerk to process the paperwork so I can request a date for the hearing and get instructions for Discovery. There are no restraining orders. Please give me resources and knowledge!

Any prayers, please direct to the children, not me.