My wife and I have been married for over 20 years and she recently told me that she isn't in love with me any more and has been struggling with these feelings for years. She never told me she was feeling that way, because she said she felt it was selfish and didn't what the stress of dealing with the work that would be needed to resolve it. She says she thought the feelings would just go away.

However, now she has decided that he is leaving and there is nothing that will change her mind. I've found out she has met someone as well, and have no idea how long that has been, but up until a few weeks ago, things seemed better than good. Then over the course of the last 3 weeks events avalanched to where I am now.

We have not had the best of marriages, there has been a lot of damage. She has strayed before and I regrettably retaliated. But we worked thorough both and I really thought we had something that few others did. The bad times were truly bad, but honestly, the good times were the best times of my life. She had something about her that I absolutely fell crazy in love with.

We were separated for a few months about 10 years ago, but reconciled. Our kids were still young. I wanted my family back and honestly, for a really long time, it seemed like things were good again, like they were in the beginning. For awhile, we were best friends again.

Now my kids are in their 20's and in college, but still live at home. My step-daughter divorced her husband and now her and her 3 children live with us. That makes a total of 9 people in our 4 bedroom home (5 if you count the converted front room that the little ones and their Mom use). It is crowded and loud, but I never minded. However, I think the amount of people in the house has gotten to my wife. It has made intimacy difficult and far between. Still, despite the issues with intimacy, we spent nearly everyday together. We spoke all day, everyday through phone calls text and email. We watched TV together and hung out together on weekends.

She has had a very strained relationship with her daughter for many years to the point of actual contempt from the both of them. I know this caused her to be unhappy at home, but I thought we were OK.

She has recently lost considerable weight which obviously has made her feel better about herself and I'm sure has contributed to her decision to leave. I actually feared this when she suggested it, but it was almost 2 years ago since it was done, so I had thought, maybe things were going to be OK.

In retrospect, I should have seen the signs and not been so wrapped up in just getting through the day to have time off with everyone in the family. I am sure I was not as attentive as I could have been. This is part of what is eating at me, that it didn't have to be like this. Still, if she were that unhappy, so could have talked to me and told me how she felt, instead of stringing me along for the last few weeks thinking we were just going through a rough patch, to dropping the bomb on me that she is leaving, she has met someone and she needs to follow her heart. It is driving me crazy.

I know many people will suggest getting out of the house and just not being around her any more. Whether this would work or not, separate abodes isn't feasible right now due to our finances. She is amenable to us both continuing to paying the bills for the time being while we figure the financial things out, but with all that has happened, I do not trust a thing she says.

I realize that she is not good for me, she is untrustworthy and that I am far better off without her. Writing this out, all the red flags and clichés of failing marriages, difficult living conditions and situations that are ruinous to a marriage are blatantly obvious. I completely understand all of that, I just don't understand why it is so difficult to let go? I worked through so much baggage and damage to make things work only for this to happen again, I should be utterly done with her and happy to be free. But I find myself still thinking about her, wishing things were different, wishing she would reconsider, even knowing things could never work out. I feel like a complete idiot.

How does one force themselves let go of that? What can I do to make me not care so much, to be ambivalent towards her? I know that she has no interest in changing her mind and has repeatedly confirmed that, but when I think of it being over, finally really over, it still feels like a kick in the gut. I think of how stupid I'm being and I want to blow my brains out (figuratively, not literally). I find myself writing her and then waiting for her reply. I can't stand that I am like that.

I have the support of the kids and they wish to stay with me when she leaves, until college is over and then we'll see. Honestly, having them there helps tremendously.

I was nearly free when we were separated, it was some of the most difficult times emotionally that I have ever went through and in the end we got back together.

I realize that I had a very different idea of our marriage and our relationship than my wife did. I understand that I am likely still romanticising my marriage and thinking things were still like they were in the beginning when we were best friends and spent every waking minute together. Logically this makes sense, I just need to convince my heart.

I've started to concentrate on my job (it is getting incredibly busy) and myself. I have dropped 10 pounds so far, and as of yesterday have dug my weights out and set them up in the basement. I should start training again tonight. I started keeping a journal and writing admittedly bad fiction. I pulled my guitar out and and am going to start up with that again. I am doing everything I can think of to keep me from thinking about her.

Still, I have bouts of profound sadness and miss her terribly all while constantly checking my inbox for an email or my phone for a text.

I need to get over this or I'm an going to put my head through a wall. Please, if anyone has any suggestions other than hitting the gym, keeping yourself busy or hobbies I would be glad to hear them?