I have unfortunate past experiences which have an inevitable influence on my perception of people, making friends and stuff like that. I have a very tough time trusting people and try my best to distance myself to avoid the good and the bad altogether. I hate clingers.

But at that end of the spectrum, I get extremely lonely when people are out friday nights (like tonight) and the weekend, and I'm just alone trying to distract myself with school work. It's an empty feeling. Human interaction seems to fuel my outlook on life and also increases my anxiety levels.

Recently, I've been trying to ignore all gut feelings and talk to people in class and around campus. It's going well I think, though I keep having my gut feelings resurface. Like this one guy, who has been trying to engage me in conversations lately, seems like a serial killer-ish or sociopath-like. He's charming and charismatic, etc. And he doesn't seem too empathetic.

I don't know, maybe I'm going overboard again... but every interaction I'm constantly faced with this internal battle of keep distance while trying to be genuine and make friends. I am fantastic at small talk and making people smile, but I can't seem to be able to develop lasting relationships with people. They just go back to their own cliques or groups. I'm left stranded when the small talk is over. Friendships with girls and guys lacking and nonexistent dating life too!

And the thing I realized about making friends and charming people is that it must come from a genuine place with synchronized and congruent tonality, body language, facial expressions, etc. And even with the slightest thought of "oh man, the way he just shifted his eyes seems blah blah blah" really impacts the level of authentic rapport.

I'm a small lady alone in a big scary world, and nobody has my back. I'm scared. I'm sick of being lonely. I'm also sick of the constant anxiety in my daily human interactions.

I want to build lasting and safe and fun relationships with other humans women and men! And not stabbed in the back, literally and figuratively. I'm also running out of time to find a husband and settle down and start a family.

I have nobody to talk to about this, nor would I ever admit all this in a blue pill world. So this is why I'm telling you internet RP.

Any advice or feedback you can offer I'm thankful for!