Overcoming a split

PhantomDream09 · 2014-02-24T00:01:27+00:00

I think many people forget to actually take the time they need to recover and heal from a break-up. As you mentioned, everyone pretty much tells you to "hop back in the saddle" either by going on dates or randomly hooking up with guys. This is bad advice in my opinion. I think people should only date when they are happy being single. Dating someone should not fill a void in your life. Dating someone should only enhance your happiness, not create a reason for you to be happy. You need to be content, happy, confident, and ready to give yourself fully when a good man comes along. If you have "trust issues" or you feel the need to pull away when you're in an established relationship - then that means you have unresolved issues and you are blaming the person you're with for the crimes someone else committed. Learning is all well and good, but you can't let healthy caution turn into relentless suspicion and cynicism.

Listening to other people bash your ex serves no purpose. You cannot allow the relationship to affect you negatively. It takes two people to make a relationship work, and two people to make it fail. I'm sure you both had various faults and there was probably more than one disconnect when it came to defining and executing the dynamic you both created.

I feel nothing for my exes. I neither hate nor care for them. They are non-factors in my life. I know what their flaws were, as well as my own. This sense of clinical neutrality did not happen over night. It was a process. I stopped dating for over a year after one of the break-ups. I firmly believe that people need to embrace the various emotions they feel after parting ways with a significant other. I cried, wrote, worked out, slept, felt angry, insecure, and directionless. Rebuilding myself from the inside out was a process. Lean on your family, but let them know how they can help you. It's important that your family helps you to move in positive directions. Cook with them, play games, go on hikes together. Start a DIY project with them or go on a mini-trip with them. Relish in the security that your family provides, and focus on making happy memories. You should let your friends know that it's important for you to focus on making progress, moving forward, and healing.

Your goal is to create a better life for yourself and find the kind of happiness that you never had while you were with your ex. It may not seem possible, but I promise you that it is. You simply have to take your time, and really figure out what makes you happy and improves your value as a partner.

You need to love yourself and feel content. After all, if you aren't happy with who you are as a person - how can you expect anyone else to be happy with you?

I don't believe in "rebounds" - I think it's a nonsense excuse people (especially women) use to earn another notch on their bed-post...but then they can retroactively say "well so-and-so doesn't actually count, he was just a rebound."

Another thing many women do after a split is change their hair drastically. I'm not sure why this happens, maybe it's easier to cut off some hair than it is to hit the gym....but either way it's a mistake. If your hair is long - keep it long. If your hair is short, start growing it out.

You are doing a lot of things right, just be patient with yourself. Be well.

eatplaycrush · 2014-02-23T22:37:28+00:00

Posting other places and getting those replies are counter-productive, yes, but so is having your family bash your ex and at that you let them. I understand it can be a sting to get the "you're not good enough for me" from a guy, but there is obviously a reason for it, and it is not going to help you actually grow or obtain closure by having others speak that way.

Why weren't you good enough for him? What didn't you do? How's your appearance? How's your house work skills? Cooking? Etc. All of these things matter when a new mate offers you a chance to be in his life.

The extra activities will help, but you need to enjoy them for that to really happen.

boydeer · 2014-02-24T00:52:30+00:00

when you start lifting weights, there is a time period where your body just gets waterlogged and puffy. brain change is more meticulous work than exercise, and at 2 months, i think most people experience regression since you're just now applying scrutiny.

looking at it another way, a world-class musician sees as many mistakes in their playing as they did when they were merely competent. awareness is the first step.

and as my handle would suggest, i am not a lady, but practicing low-pressure intimate interactions such as flirting or going to get coffee with randos works for me. no need to fuck them.

EDIT: and in response to your other post, maybe he wasn't good enough for you. he didn't want marriage, never wanted space, etc. i have a younger female friend who is dating a beta-ish fellow, and i keep giving her the same advice i give guys, since he's indecisive, etc.

SgtBrutalisk · 2014-02-27T04:18:05+00:00

Cross-stitch sounds great, dedicate yourself to it, become the best cross-stitchess in a 100-mile radius.

Italianweddingcake · 2014-02-24T00:52:13+00:00

So sorry! I would schedule a spa day. Massage, pedi etc. maybe gather your thoughts. May help you heal a little. :)

Title	Overcoming a split
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	7
Comments	13
Date	February 23, 2014 10:27 PM UTC (12 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/1yqlxm/overcoming_a_split/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/overcoming-a-split.84287 https://theredarchive.com/post/84287

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