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If you wont have sex, how does a guy know you aren't asexual or have a low libido (both extremely unattractive in a life partner)?

[deleted]

October 14, 2014
13 upvotes
/r/RedPillWomen
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Title If you wont have sex, how does a guy know you aren't asexual or have a low libido (both extremely unattractive in a life partner)?
Author

[deleted]
Upvotes 13
Comments 21
Date October 14, 2014 11:14 PM UTC
(11 years ago)
Subreddit Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/2j9jef/if_you_wont_have_sex_how_does_a_guy_know_you/
Archive Link https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/if-you-wont-have-sex-how-does-a-guy-know-you-arent.84953
https://theredarchive.com/post/84953

Comments

[–]SuperSlavisWifeEndorsed Contributor8 points9 points10 points 11 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

Ways of letting him know you aren't asexual:

-telling him why you won't (no sex before marriage, saving yourself for LTRs, no sex before the third date, bad past experience, cautious virgin, etc)

-flirting and sharing your ideas and fantasies

-not shying away from crude jokes, even if you won't make them yourself

-open masturbation policy (even if you won't have sex, agreeing that masturbating in the other's company isn't wrong)

No way of telling the libido part. Everyone's libidos move around throughout life. From what I hear, they also vary depending on your partner or your kinks and fetishes. Then you have those of us who were virgins and had no way of knowing what our libido would be like until we had sex. Some people lose their virginity and then turn asexual because they'd rather masturbate. Libido is something you work out together later. Fortunately, it's also something that can be moved around. Not a lot, but if you place it on a scale of 0-10 where 0 is asexual and 10 is ready all the time every day, then you can likely move your place by two points either way.

[–][deleted] 11 points12 points13 points 11 years ago* (3 children) | Copy Link

Libido can also be influenced by the attractiveness, presence, and skill of the man we date/marry. Part of being a good leader means maintaining a woman's interest, focus, and attraction.

Lots of relationships evolve from FWB set-ups, but that in no way guarantees that the frequency and enthusiasm will continue on at a steady rate in the years to come. That's why building a healthy foundation is important. Both people have to have a clear understanding and be on the same page when it comes to boundaries, needs, and priorities. There are no doubts in my relationship when it comes to bedroom activities. My SO and I are on the same page, and we work hard to keep things running smoothly both inside and outside the bedroom. Acquiring sex prior to commitment is no way to try and gauge a woman's long-term sexual stamina and compatibility. Better to find a good woman that earns your attention and commitment before intimacy enters the picture. If she treats you well outside of the bedroom, chances are that mentality won't vanish once you get her inside one.

You seem to think that there are two states: sexual (and having sex without commitment) and asexual/no drive. These things exist on a spectrum and a lot of factors go into shaping intimate dynamics.

[–]SarahC0 points1 point2 points 11 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link

Libido can also be influenced by the attractiveness, presence, and skill of the man we date/marry. Part of being a good leader means maintaining a woman's interest, focus, and attraction.

Way to blame the victim! (slightly humorously)

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points3 points 11 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

(slightly humorously)

((but mostly nonsensically))

:0)

[–]BakerofpieEndorsed Contributor5 points6 points7 points 11 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link

Won't have sex when? On the first date? Before marriage? I think any man is foolish to marry a woman before sleeping with her, and probably won't unless they are extremely "beta" or religious. As far as simply requiring some sort of commitment of exclusivity first, he is playing a pretty low risk game in the beginning, so proof of libido shouldn't need to be on such strict and thorough terms. A willingness to please in other areas and frequently being very flirty are pretty good indicators that the interest is there even if the morals do not allow for sex too early on. I also feel that I should clarify that by "very flirty" I do not mean torturing a guy by dangling sex in front of him like a carrot and acting as though it's a possibility when you know you won't follow through. It's possible to be a flirt without being a tease.

[–]SuperSlavisWifeEndorsed Contributor2 points3 points4 points 11 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

A flirt is an appetizer, a tease is a snack. One promises a main meal, the other is not as fulfilling, a supplement, with nothing to follow.

It may take a day, a week, six months or two years for you to have sex, depending on both your sexual histories, faiths and end goals for the relationship. But flirting is a way of letting him know it's going to happen whereas teasing is using "sex sells" to persuade a guy to do things for you in hope.

[–]mrp3anut2 points3 points4 points 11 years ago (8 children) | Copy Link

I think this mentality stems from the RP idea that sex "IS" the relationship. While the lack of sex in a relationship is a flag to evaluate things it doesn't always mean something is wrong.

I will say that any woman that is not a virgin will be instantly nexted if she takes that position. If that isn't you then you should reconsider why you are resistant with him

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points3 points 11 years ago* (7 children) | Copy Link

I will say that any woman that is not a virgin will be instantly nexted if she takes that position. If that isn't you then you should reconsider why you are resistant with him

You may instantly next women that won't jump into bed with you, but RPW approach dating differently. The goal is to earn commitment prior to engaging in bedroom activities. It's one of the biggest 'conflicts' between the RP male sexual strategy and the RP female sexual strategy. It is entirely disingenuous to state that men automatically 'next' women if they don't immediately hop into bed with them. The ladies here are improving themselves so that they can identify and meet good men that are sincerely interested in long-term relationships.

Other conversations where this has been discussed (in case you feel like reading):

(Thread) Girl game question: the paradox of witholding sex until exclusivity

The comment I made on that thread. There's a somewhat lengthy conversation that starts there with another RP gentleman, and I also provide a link to another thread that I wrote on the subject.

To quickly summarize: a good woman earns the commitment of a man. Commitment can vary anywhere from "we'll only go on dates with each other" to forming an exclusive relationship. It's up to each 'pair' to navigate the ins and outs of those boundaries. Any man that says "have sex with me prior to commitment" is not a good man in terms of forming a long-term relationship. RPW want to find a man that understands/recognizes her value, and is willing to extend some amount of security prior to becoming intimate. RPW don't necessarily want to date a RP man, because not all of them are actually good matches. The primary goal is to find a good man, in some cases he may also know about TRP, but that is in no way a requirement, or even an ideal.

This is the RPW sub, so make sure your advice is relevant to RPW. Saying that women don't stand a chance unless they sleep around is not good advice here (even though it's a perfectly valid view for RP men to have). Make sure your advice on this sub is relevant and useful to the ladies. Otherwise, just stay on the TRP sub.

[–]mrp3anut-1 points0 points1 point 11 years ago (6 children) | Copy Link

Sorry but RPW should realize you don't get to play the not until marriage/engagement/high number of dates card if you gave it up to chad thunder cock in a bar bathroom. Now if you havnt acted like that then you can reasonably expect someone to wait

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point2 points 11 years ago (4 children) | Copy Link

Where exactly did I say "no sex until marriage" ? Where exactly did I say "no sex until being engaged" or "no sex until a high number of dates" ? I didn't. You're making things up, and projecting what you dislike into what I wrote. All I said was "commitment prior to intimacy" - and that it is up to every man and woman to negotiate and figure out the exact boundaries. I clearly stated that "commitment" can cover a lot of different arrangements (from agreeing to not go on dates with other people, to entering into a committed LTR).

As soon as commitment is extended/earned, then it's "full steam ahead."

You make the same assumptions and mistakes as every other RP male I have talked to about this. You all assume that RPW demand you to sign over your life, belongings, and swear a blood oath before we will do anything for you. That's not the case. We strive to be good women looking for a good man. We readily accept that increasing the number of people we have sex with irreversibly decreases our overall value. We have to be cautious.

My SO and I started seeing each other exclusively before our first date ended. You can go ahead and ask /u/Occamsusername directly if he has ever been left wanting or felt unsatisfied at any point.

if you gave it up to chad thunder cock in a bar bathroom.

Where did I tell anyone "yeah, go ahead sleep around with abandon and then turn into a born again prude? You keep making up qualifiers that I never put forth.

Now if you havnt acted like that then you can reasonably expect someone to wait

Finally, an indication that you have higher brain function.

[–]mrp3anut1 point2 points3 points 11 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link

OP linked not having sex with the search for a LIFE partner. This implies commitment is on the table or at least been discussed. I assumed you knew this but I was apparently mistaken.

So anyways I go back to my original statement. If you are outside any form of commitment your reluctance to put out is irrelevant to guys looking for a wife except if it is known you have not required it in the past. Now once commitment is offered/accepted if she refuses and she isn't a virgin then immediate next.

This is fitting with the thread post whether you want to read into it or not.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point2 points 11 years ago* (0 children) | Copy Link

OP's statement was brief, vague and in no way makes it clear that he (at any point) gave commitment. All OP said is that when it comes to a life partner - wanting to have sex is desirable. He did not say that he had already extended commitment to the hypothetical woman - only that his ideal/desire for a life partner is that she be sexually enthusiastic.

You are once again injecting assumptions into statements where they simply do not exist (because it's impossible to tell definitively one way or the other what the OP meant specifically. He only wrote one vague question the provides very little in the way of details and context.

This implies commitment is on the table or at least been discussed.

No, it only means that the OP is open to and wants a good life partner - which is completely reasonable. He has not stated "I am willing to extend commitment (in any form) prior to intimacy." From the way he phrased the statement, it sounds more likely that he's coming at it from your stance of "why should I gamble on a woman that may or may not be asexual and/or have a low drive? She should have sex with me before I invest too much time/energy on her." Again, there's no way to tell for certain because his statement is unclear.

If you are outside any form of commitment your reluctance to put out is irrelevant to guys looking for a wife except if it is known you have not required it in the past.

If you're talking about women that used to sleep around - we warn users with severe drains on their value (example: formerly very sexually active women, single moms) that they are going to have a really hard time earning commitment from as good of a man as they might otherwise have been able to, had they refrained from sleeping around or having another man's child. For women living with those drawbacks, they will most likely have to lower their standards and expectations.

That said, we don't tell them "well, you were sleeping around before, so you have to continue doing that now" because that would be horrible advice. Becoming a better woman means discontinuing damaging habits, you may not like it (and that's fine) - and the woman in that situation is probably going to have to deal with a lot of disappointment and rejection. That's one of the consequences of her previous decisions. That said, it's still better for her to reign in her previously wayward behaviors than it is for her to continue racking up numbers.

This is fitting with the thread post whether you want to read into it or not.

Nothing you have said has in any way been either enlightening or useful. You are "offering" basic knowledge that the ladies here are already aware of and know.

I think this mentality stems from the RP idea that sex "IS" the relationship.

What are you smoking? Sex is one of the most important aspects of a RP relationship, which is why the RPW sub stresses sexual intimacy as a top priority when it comes to strengthening bonds and keeping a relationship healthy. There's a big difference between "sex is the relationship" and "Why have a relationship if there's no sex?" If you honestly think that the only thing that makes a relationship is the presence of sex - then you have no idea of what makes a good woman worth committing to or the value a good woman can bring to your life.

Edit

I will say that any woman that is not a virgin will be instantly nexted if she takes that position.

Your initial statement wasn't even referring to very sexually active women. Your only qualifier was "she's not a virgin" - women that have been sexually active within the context of long term relationships are very different from women that simply sleep around with guys in a FWB/plate/ONS situations. So you've gone from "a woman must be a virgin, or she better put out" to talking about highly promiscuous women. Your point of view and 'argument' has been shaky and unclear from the start.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point2 points 11 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

I will tell you for the last time:

  1. This is the RPW sub - we know about TRP, specifically the male RP approach, outlook, and priorities. This sub focuses on relationships and self-improvement.

  2. Advice here should be relevant and/or useful to the ladies here.

  3. Your comments should enhance the conversation or offer a unique (read: not basic RP knowledge) perspective.

[–]Azothlike0 points1 point2 points 11 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

I think the problem you're having here, mrp3anut, is that you think your opinion, or even the prevalent opinion from TRP, on how women should have behaved in the past is relevant.

This sub is not for you. It's not for me(Another RP man spinning plates until my 30s).

This thread is for women that by and large agree with the social analysis and difference between the genders, that TRP puts forth; and that, WITH that knowledge, want to acquire their end objective(generally, a secure and rewarding LTR with a good/valuable man).

Sexual strategy is amoral, and not always cooperative. Just as TRP wants the weak, whiny beta male to take control of his life, become attractive, and secure his end goal(truckloads of pussy and a happy, rewarding life, for some), RPW also preaches to the women most in need(even those who had a tumble with Mister Thundercock and his friends), and teaches them the best ways to find their happy ending.

Whether or not the 78,000 subscribers to TRP feel that the female sexual strategy is morally just doesn't really matter. It isn't, but RPW is meant to help women sort through the 3-4 billion men on, not the 78k that would disapprove of some woman's success-oriented shenanigans.

[–]TempestTcup1 point2 points3 points 11 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

Who is not having sex? I mean, there are people here saving themselves for marriage, but they are generally religious and are looking for other religious people to date/marry.

RPW suggests that a woman at least get a commitment of exclusivity, which basically means: wait until you know that he is not actively having sex with anyone else and promises to not have sex with others while you are dating. If he agrees then who knows, you may be having sex right then, or you might want to get to know him a little bit first. Each woman is different and has different timelines.

The reason to make them wait would be to weed out players and men just after another notch; you don't want to become a plate or a pump and dump. It's not like you are necessarily going to make them wait years or anything.

[–]Littleknownfacts3 points4 points5 points 11 years ago (5 children) | Copy Link

There's other sexual things you can do other than have sex. Make out, teasing, and just being flirty in general. Its usually pretty obvious if someone is just holding out or if they aren't interested in sex at all.

[–][deleted] 9 points10 points11 points 11 years ago (4 children) | Copy Link

I would see that as playing games and it would be extremely frustrating. I would assume you will continue the teasing without putting our later in the relationship.

[–]kekerae 3 points3 points3 points 11 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link

Sexual activity doesn't always have to lead to intercourse. I'm a married woman and just because my husband and I get sexual doesn't mean it leads to intercourse every single time. Sometimes it's mutual masturbation or oral sex or just making out and cuddling over dinner and a drink at home. Not every feeling of sexual attraction has to result in intercourse.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point2 points 11 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

Sexual activity doesn't always have to lead to intercourse.

yes and i wasnt arguing that it should.

[–]Littleknownfacts-3 points-2 points-1 points 11 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link

Playing games is frustrating, but that makes it all the better when you do get it out. And thats a stupid assumption and your loss.

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points6 points 11 years ago* (0 children) | Copy Link

Playing games is frustrating, but that makes it all the better when you do get it out.

The goal is to communicate that you're a good woman, considerate, and not interested in "playing games" or "manipulating" gentlemen. There's a difference between getting to know a gentleman (and letting him know along the way that you are interested) - and going out of your way to purposely frustrate someone when you have zero intentions of following through. Flirting is useful, but it can be overdone.

RPW isn't about being a shameless tease - it's about communicating your value, sincerity, and consideration in an effort to earn the commitment of a good man. Many gentlemen are put off by too much flirting and aggressive, teasing behavior. When a man is looking for a long-term relationship, he isn't interested in prolonged, drawn out and frustrating signals that never lead anywhere. Women need communicate that they are open to physicality and have fun without being heavy handed.

And thats a stupid assumption and your loss.

No. It's a good observation and a wise move on his part. Your 'advice' is the sort of mentality that leads many men to never consider getting into a committed relationship prior to getting sex.

On another note, cut the snark. He didn't attack you, he provided his input without calling you names or insulting your intelligence.

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