Hi everyone! Long time lurker here. After a wild freshman year, I decided it is time to accept the truth, take control of my situation, and improve for the better. I have a bit of an "action plan" sketched out in my mind, and I know where I might need improvement, but in some aspects I am completely lost. This will probably be long, and I apologize, but your interest and responses are VERY appreciated <3

First off, about me. I'm 19 years old and just finishing up my freshman year at a large state university. I'm currently studying psychology and my ultimate goal is to get a masters in human resource management and work in HR. I've never had many male friends, and have had minimal luck with relationships. Like many, I've dated many guys and they quickly lost interest. The two guys I have had serious relationships with, I honestly was the cause for them falling apart. One time I was not really ready for what a committed relationship entailed, the other time I ghosted on him because it was college and I wanted my "freedom" from our long-distance relationship.

Freedom I sought and I certainly found it. I wasn't the biggest party animal but I've had my share of debauchery. I'm in a sorority, which naturally leads to parties- drinking, smoking, flirting with guys for sport, a small number of hookups. It's important to note, not everyone in my sorority is like that, and parties aren't required. I just fell into a group of girls who were a bad influence.

Before college, I actually had quite a strict/traditional upbringing. I was required to study hard and was not allowed to attend parties, have guys over, dress provocatively etc. My dad tried to enforce strict gender roles, in fact he often pushed too hard, but was almost always shut down by my mom or grandmother. Since my young teen years, I haven't self-identified as feminist, but always had some feminist ideas put in my head. For example, my mother- god bless her, but man, does she hate men. I have heard her speak negatively about my father all my life, even though something has kept them together for nearly 25 years, she sure has a low opinion of him. I was taught that men are stupid and have the mind of a dog, and treat women like garbage and I internalized that to an extent. I've never had male friends and I've always been distrustful of men to some extent. As mentioned, my father tried to instill strict gender roles on my brother and I in what we wore, what activities we were involved in, and what chores were ours. However, he also tried to "masculinize" me in a way. I was yelled at the same as my brother, told to "act like a man" and "man up" almost daily, told that if I was to be soft or feminine that would lead to me to be unsuccessful. He basically wanted me to harden myself as he believed this would help me succeed in life. Which in some senses is true- it probably will help me career-wise, but in other ways, I think it did some damage to my femininity.

On to what I think I need to fix. Naturally, I need to make better friends both within my sorority and in other groups on campus. Surrounding myself with very feminist-minded women can be a nice ego boost, but ultimately will get me nowhere. I need people who will hold me accountable for my behavior and not encourage my debauchery. I need to party less, give up smoking (weed) entirely, and cut back on drinking.

I also need to cultivate a feminine mindset and- that's where I'm completely lost. Some aspects of myself I think are more rough and masculine are: sarcasm, being cold/distant, unable to respond to people's emotions well, unaffectionate, loudness. Most people find me entertaining but in a kind of crude way. I hate myself for being able to make this comparison to myself but- my brand of humor is like Amy Shumer/Broad City type of humor. There's probably many other things I'm overlooking. Does anyone have some advice on this?

Appearance wise... I'll say it, I need improvement. Luckily I think I have a lot to work with. I'm a natural blonde, 5'8", naturally pear-shaped with decent muscle mass, C cup. Facial features are not particularly exaggerated and symmetrical, I have good teeth. But unfortunately, in college, I completely abandoned my workout routine and adopted a pretty terrible diet so I'm a bit overweight. I had really pretty long, blonde hair but cut it to about chin length. Most days, I wear sweatpants and a t-shirt to class with my hair tied back. No makeup. Basically no effort besides washing my face, brushing my teeth, putting on deodorant. That needs to change. But, I think if I got back into shape, developed a hair and makeup regimen that worked for me, and start to develop a more feminine wardrobe I could maybe be a 7 or so.

Writing this all out makes me realize I have a LOT to work on and could use a lot of reinforcement/constructive criticism. I would appreciate whatever bits of advice on cultivating a feminine attitude, personal image, meeting quality men, etc. that you are willing to give me.

Thanks so much for reading my wall of text. I look forward to being a more active voice in this community and I hope someday I can say that I am a much better person because of it <3