How to tell a man you are dating that you don't want to have sex untill marriage

mov0002 · 2016-07-23T10:24:46+00:00

The best time would be before he tries to be intimate with you. I would be honest, tell him why you feel that way, and what your reasons are and let him decide if it's a relationship he wants to pursue. As far as conforming to his wishes, only you can answer that. It's important to to you for a reason and whatever that reason is, you'd have to weigh that against how you feel for this guy, and weigh both against how you may feel if you give up this particular thing and the relationship doesn't work out.

mov0002 · 2016-07-23T14:28:31+00:00

Welcome to RPW.

when is the right time to tell him that you want to wait till marriage to have sex?

This is something that you should bring up fairly early for two reasons. First, you should do it to avoid wasting your own time with guys who are not on the same page as you in terms of waiting until marriage for sex. Second, you should do it to present a consistent front of what your expectations are.

The second point is probably more important than you'll realize because the presentation of your expectations is affected by the guy's past experiences with women. With me personally, I'd need two hands to count the number of women who have told me that they didn't want to have sex until marriage. Likewise, I'd need two hands to count the number of women who had sex with me before marriage anyway.

Any guy who is worth his salt has probably heard that at least a few times. Chances are that he's also seen at least one case, either through direct experience or through other people he knows, where the girl said that and then had sex before marriage anyway. Along these lines, don't be caught off guard by a guy who simply doesn't believe that you'll stick to what you're saying here about sex.

Let's say, hypothetically, that this man has all the qualities you want and is right for you in every way, but he doesn't want to wait? Should you drop him, or conform to what he wants?

The only thing I have to offer on this point is the following: In situations with women who told me they weren't having sex before marriage, I've been the guy who didn't want to wait who was right for the woman in every way. However, in every case, she was not the right woman for me in every way (I also never told her that she was), and she probably didn't take that into consideration when making the decision to have sex with me.

My concern is that there aren't many men who would be okay with this.

I am completely and totally in support of women who truly want to wait to have sex before marriage. I am also a realist, and I believe that a woman who insists on waiting until marriage will turn off a lot of high-quality men who have no trouble getting sex elsewhere. Along these lines, I think that it's extremely important for woman who have this viewpoint on sex actively seek out places where the types of men who would be good with this arrangement will be. You'll have to ask the other people in RPW where that is, because I don't know.

Best of luck. You have people rooting for you, and I'm one of them.

mov0002 · 2016-07-23T13:13:15+00:00

Adding on to /u/MsSadieDunham tell him way before you are intimate, but give him a sense of who you are, aside from sex. You're swimming upstream with your beliefs, but maaaybe you'll intrigue him enough to comply. He'll certainly bring up the topic "What is sex?" which you'll have to spell out for him.

runway · 2016-07-24T21:24:43+00:00

The best time to tell him is as soon as possible. This way, if it isn't something he's willing to do, you can part ways before wasting a ton of time and energy on one another.

Now for some opinion on waiting for marriage from someone who waited for marriage. I'm sharing what I think makes sense, take it or leave it.

If you're going to wait for marriage, you ought to have a short dating and engagement period that doesn't include any touch at all. Let me explain why.

Let's analyze male and female sexuality a little. What I'm about to write is generalizations which tend to be more present by men or women even if all these traits exist in both genders. What makes something a male or female trait has to do with what's primary and secondary, or what's more dominant in each gender.

Here's my observation of men.

They are very attracted to what they see.
They become very aroused (often, instant erection) by touch.

Here's my observation of women.

We are very attracted to what we hear.
We experience arousal based on how we feel (emotions).

In light of these differences it would be unfair to ask a man to be physically affectionate with you while not being sexually active. You can experience that physical affection as emotional bonding, but to him it's sexual frustration which makes the emotional bonding element very difficult to experience.

If he's content with months upon months of cuddling with no sexual release (there are men like this), I personally would see this as an even bigger red flag. I'd see this as an indication of him having a lower sexual desire. I certainly would not want to marry someone who's content in not sexually desiring me for months on end. I personally need to feel his yearning and desire for me.

My concern is that there aren't many men who would be okay with this.

Not true!

There are many men who actually prefer this. You just have to look in the right places.

civilsaint · 2016-07-23T11:27:41+00:00

Tell him early and don't just conform to his wishes unless YOU want to and are willing to deal with the consequences if he breaks up with you after.

There are guys that are looking for a girl that waits. Sure there are fewer, but they are out there.

mov0002 · 2016-07-23T16:27:15+00:00

By telling him "late" you'll have a slightly better chance at making him agree with waiting since he'll have more time to develop oneitis. But keep in mind that in most cases he is not going to agree and that will bring up many complications that you could have avoided by being upfront from the beginning.

It's clear that RPW is all about tradition and all but you will not find pure encouragement about "waiting till marriage" unless you ask for advice in a religious community. monk mode is not quite attractive even for those who swallowed the pill and are welling to fight temptations for the greater good, if you ask every single one around here that if they would prefer to be their husband's/wife's first they'd mostly agree, but a lot less will try to make their husband/wife their first. It is that hard, and it is so for a reason. All the best.

mov0002 · 2016-07-23T15:40:48+00:00

[deleted]

MentORPHEUS · 2016-07-23T22:07:01+00:00

Hi, welcome to RPW. Please take the following thoughts and advice in the spirit of "pitfalls to watch out for" rather than "Reasons you shouldn't do this."

To directly answer your question, it should come up no later than the end of the second date. Let it flow naturally, from a discussion of values and common ground. Unless you're dating a limited pool of men, such as from a church where marriage before sex is assumed, do NOT put off mentioning it too long. Most men can respect a principled chaste woman, but positively despise a perceived prick-tease.
There's a reason "Just Married" is such a popular trope in humor: the discovery of flaws and showstoppers after committing for life is perilous for both men (NSFW cartoon) and women. (mouseover NSFW caption)
"Commit for life as virgins" evolved socially in an environment where many women died in childbirth before their mid-30s, and people stayed within 50 miles of where they were born and interacted mostly with the same small town worth of people their entire lives. Adapting this to modern times is a really tough sell.
Sometimes, men who suppress their sexual urges in the name of religion end up with a Madonna-Whore complex as a result. Often the first symptom is, he virtually never has sex with her again once she's pregnant. Make sure your vetting process screens for this.
A Red Pill man is liable to agree to these terms for a high enough SMV and RMV woman, and follow through on the engagement and marriage, but maintain a plate or two in the meantime.
One useful method of keeping a good man's interest through a mutually agreed waiting period is to pace your escalation to the time scale at hand. From experienced daters who can usually discern good LTR material by the third date, to those entering the dating pool hoping to get married before intercourse, a sense of incremental progress is much more satisfying than an impenetrable wall he can walk right up to. Decide on your hard goalposts and boundaries first, then approach these slowly and incrementally to maintain excitement and interest.

You've come to a good place to work toward your particular relationship goals despite modern challenges; good luck to you! ^{^Edit:Format}

McLuhanSaidItFirst · 2016-10-03T17:42:45+00:00

TL;DR: tell him right away and stick to your guns. PUAs and TRPs gonna hate, haters gonna hate. Stick to your guns ! You are right on in your ideas. There are amazing guys out there looking for you just like you are.

tttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt

The Carousel, where women can never get commitment or secure wholesome affection, and men are forever doomed to be tormented with an unattainable memory or dream of validation sex, the Carousel circles aimlessly, with a tedious banality, as the pathetic souls, each and every man and woman, jump from one spot to the next, never consciously thinking to ask themselves if real horses actually exist.

The Carousel! The Carousel!

Man's symbol of lifeless, mechanized Eros.

The dysfunctional system of sexual coupling which is the Carousel is unreal, like the Matrix, and I have unplugged myself from that Matrix. I've stepped off the Carousel.

If you are convinced that marrying as a virgin is what you want for yourself, you should tell him as soon as possible, in the first date at the latest, preferably he should know it before he even contacts you. Red Pill PUAs and plate spinners, if they have any integrity as a human being at all, make it clear subtly to women from the first meeting that they are 'not ready to settle down' or be exclusive. You owe men the same consideration, so no one wastes time. Not that plate spinners or PUAs deserve a tremendous amount of consideration, seeing as how their entire strategy is engineered to make women unhappy. More importantly, to save your precious time and energy, this should be phrased in such a manner as to convey your sincere disgust at a man who would expect you to have sex with him outside of marriage (if that is your feeling; if it is not, sooner or later a practiced scoundrel will take your virginity if you date men of that ilk, and few people will even notice, let alone feel sorry for you, least of all that individual).

DO NOT PLACE YOURSELF, OR ALLOW YOURSELF TO BE PLACED, IN A POSITION WHERE YOU MIGHT GIVE IN.

DO NOT ALLOW THIS AS A POSSIBILITY IN YOUR OWN MIND OR THE MIND OF ANYONE ELSE.

ANY MAN WHO WOULD EXPOSE YOU TO THAT RISK IS YOUR ENEMY AND YOU DO NOT OWE HIM EVEN CIVILITY, BECAUSE HE WOULD USE IT AGAINST YOU.

RECRUIT YOUR FAMILY, MOST ESPECIALLY THE MENFOLK, TO STAND WITH YOU.

This is where it becomes very important to be a grownup. If you are not wholehearted, you will fall, more than likely, because these 'men' put a lot of effort and practice into overcoming your resistance. They even have clever names for it! You have a "slut shield": fear of having an N-count that will lower your value - which is a PERFECTLY REASONABLE concern! BECAUSE YOU KNOW intuitively, in your gut and in your heart and in your social brain (that we share with horses and wolves, social mammals) it lowers your SMV and RMV.

PUAs ALSO KNOW IT REDUCES YOUR VALUE.

GET THIS: THEY DON'T CARE!

THEY WANT TO SEDUCE YOU ANYWAY!

Because FEELZ! (Some weak 'men', or boys, rather, allow FEELZ! to run their lives, too; it's not an exclusively female tendency. Weak men do it, too).

PUAs say you have "LMR" (last minute resistance), etc. It's a whole science, and it's aimed at ruining your life. Believe it or not, they have the whole scenario mapped out in their heads: everything you are likely to say and do when pressured psychologically to have sex against your better judgment. They have a slick technique to take advantage of your every emotion and bypass your rational mind so they can get you to have sex with them. They'll make you feel so good, you'll do anything! I'd go into the disgusting details, but please just believe me. It is very sordid, underhanded and effective. Your best interests are the last thing on their minds.

Then they'll LAUGH over at TRP at how stupid you were and how easily you were overwhelmed with all their psychological tricks. Then (some of them) talk about how virgins are so bad at sex! Which is it, boys? Are virgins valuable or not? And I call them boys because a grown man does not act like that with people who are weaker than they are, a grown man improves his value and adds value to the lives of others. A grown man protects the weak, instead of taking advantage of the weak. In an earlier more civilised time, a man who was a seducer was barely spoken of, despised, and if a girl was lucky, she was protected by the men in her family. Today it's considered backward to try to talk an adult woman of 18 out of expressing her sexuality freely. Watch Dr. Zhivago; Lara's plight is that of any young innocent woman without a family to protect her.

You are very valuable to a man who would like to start a relationship with a woman who is best able to bond with her husband. "Her worth is far above rubies." Virgins are also highly prized (notice I didn't say 'valued') by men who are drunk with conquest until they have used her up but that VERY SAME WOMAN is a worthless plate (as per TRP: "oops I dropped a plate!") after they have all run through her, taken what they wanted, and left her heartbroken.

Why is she heartbroken? Because when a woman falls, she hates herself some and thinks she doesn't matter anymore and what happens to her doesn't matter anymore. It's exactly the same psychological defence mechanism that says "well, you've flubbed your diet with that cookie today, you might as well finish the box and maybe tomorrow will be a better day". That's practically the only reason any of these sad women allow themselves to be used again and again: just trying to get a little shred of hope that she will be loved this time, and that shred gets mighty small eventually. How many times with a different man will it take the girl ahead of you in line to reach beyond that point to actual hopelessness? How many different men will it take for the girl behind you? And at what point do they all say, ''it wasn't worth it. I could have had a family of my own." Consider the man on the Carousel ( I read his post yesterday) who says "I love all my plates [but they're not even LTR material let alone marriageable... marry a plate? What are you, stupid? Read the sidebar!]" - will his empty words be enough for you, when you are 35, childless, and wondering where and when you will find a man who will care for you?

Title	How to tell a man you are dating that you don't want to have sex untill marriage
Author	mov0002
Upvotes	9
Comments	32
Date	July 23, 2016 7:00 AM UTC (9 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/4u770s/how_to_tell_a_man_you_are_dating_that_you_dont/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/how-to-tell-a-man-you-are-dating-that-you-dont.86318 https://theredarchive.com/post/86318

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