Dealing with grief [advice needed]

blindedbythebrights · 2017-04-15T19:13:07+00:00

I can relate. Also INFJ, and I would feel helpless too. But, to put it harshly: sometimes life sucks, and you can't fix that for him. So take care of yourself and your children the best you can, stay responsive to him, and that's all you can do. He will be sad. It is sad. But the last thing he would need is having to worry about your wellbeing too. Lots of courage to you and a big hug.

teaandtalk · 2017-04-15T23:42:05+00:00

I'm sorry for what you and your family are going through. A couple of concrete suggestions:

Don't stress about the housework, unless it's making you both feel much worse - if it's getting bad, see if you can get someone in to clean once a week/fortnight.
Do take care of yourself first. Get enough sleep.
Enlist help if you can. For the housework, if necessary, but also for spending time with the children + taking them out of the house so you can rest.
Don't push your husband to talk, just be there to listen if he wants to. Be open/receptive, but don't try to make it happen.
Kids: depending on age, there are lots of picture/storybooks that can help them understand about death. If they're beyond that stage, it might be worth looking into them seeing a counsellor (a well-recommended one who won't try to pathologise their grief) to talk through things as a family.

Sending healing vibes to you and your family.

TamidMT · 2017-04-16T06:55:14+00:00

I've said this before and I'll say it again: People who experience such profound loss and grief are not any stronger than you are. We did not experience our loss because we possessed more strength than you, and you are not exempt from experiencing it yourself. People who experience such profound loss and grief go on living because they have to.

As my sweet friend and I talked, I realized we shared many of those same experiences. People praising her for being strong. People commending her because she looked like she was moving on because she happened to get dressed and put makeup on that day. I loved the way she confronted the last person who told her that. "It's a front," she said. "I'm actually living in a black hole right now."

Because people don't see the other side.

It's great that you're seeing a therapist, and I hope it really helps you. It's also telling that your husband — already a man who doesn't like to talk about what bothers him — seems comfortable doing things by himself right now. Women talk face to face, and men talk shoulder to shoulder. We men love doing things and being pragmatic. Grief makes us feel like we're "living in a black hole" because it strips away every mask and leaves you at your most desolate and vulnerable; it pierces you to your core and makes it feel like the world has stopped turning. It sounds like your husband's way of grieving is to do what comes naturally as a man and just do things. A great way for you to help him grieve is to spend some shoulder-to-shoulder time with him.

lazysnakes · 2017-04-19T16:16:13+00:00

I would say you don't need to be strong for him, you need to be soft for him...you need to be a huge ocean of love and compassion and hope and joy that will inspire him and buoy you both up to see that things will get easier and better in the future...

You are feeling overwhelmed right now, that is totally not surprising... but somehow you need to get yourself back to a state where you are feeling connected and balanced again. Because you cannot give out what you do not have inside you. I cannot say exactly how to do that, but dealing with your emotions through therapy and carving out some 'me' time seem like the obvious options to me.

IDK if you've ever lost someone? Because if you haven't, I know you may feel inadequate as if nothing you can do or say will even make a drop of difference.... but I promise that being there and lighting up his day with your warm smile and a hug and simply telling him "I'm sorry this is happening" or "I'm sorry you're feeling such pain" is absolutely more helpful than you may realise.

In the immediate, you need to get on top of the housework and find your sense of solace and hope somehow.

I thought this article on how to hold space for yourself was very perceptive about the issues surrounding death and how to support loved ones. Perhaps it will help you too?

88Will88 · 2017-04-17T15:35:38+00:00

Put your mask on, then the kids, now that took 5-10 seconds, then get his mask on. This is an emergency, you do not get more than a few seconds. Now imagine you failed to get his mask on, you and the kids are in the shark infested ocean ALONE. So please realise that all a true leader of a man needs is his SO to say:

I love you, I care about you, I am here for you.

Cuddles and knowing glances are not hard work. Your talk of "dealing with you first" when it is his relatives who have died, smacks of exploitation. What is your big problem now, ? It is him who is alone in the world with no living family. Why exactly are you:

"also dealing with my own emotions and being overstressed right now and it is difficult"

His only surviving family are dead, what in life is so difficult for you that you cannot work or support him?

Title	Dealing with grief [advice needed]
Author	justanotherusername4
Upvotes	5
Comments	11
Date	April 15, 2017 7:02 PM UTC (9 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/65ksk7/dealing_with_grief_advice_needed/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/dealing-with-grief-advice-needed.87177 https://theredarchive.com/post/87177

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