Trying to figure out what happened in demise of LTR

Willkuer_ · 2017-05-06T13:59:50+00:00

Stay NC. You might get the ego-boost of her crawling back. Does that help you to progress? No. Improve yourself to progress.

If you feel bad analyze what made you feel bad and which steps led you to feeling bad. I think 4 years of LDR sounds already like a nice starting point.

At some point you need to leave her fb alone. It doesn't help. I know the desire to check out how she is doing and while you are in anger/self-pity phase you can do it. But recognize that you do nothing but feeding your anger and self-pity. If you are ready (depending on the intensity of the LTR and your character) move on. You know that she was right leaving you if you are a sobbing mess stalking her fb profile.

I guess it is time to meet some friends, have some beers and enjoy some sports of your liking. I'd suggest MGTOW'ing for a while while reflecting, analyzing, and progressing the shit out of you. When you are ready do a fresh start with full power/energy levels.

And yes. She will most probably not spend the rest of her life with him. And probably she will cheat on him. In my native tongue we call guys like him something like "break-up guide". He is a guide but nothing more. When he did his service he will be due.

evilkenevil · 2017-05-06T14:13:06+00:00

Simple as RP coming in and taking what he wants. You were dating poor quality for anything LT. There were signs that she was going to do this and gong back over every detail isn't going to help. Your deficient girlfriend threw shit tests up that you didn't recognize and failed accordingly.

Devour the information here on RP. Learn it, live it. You'll start off with better quality and see any signs early of your frame breaking. Honestly, that dude did you a favor. You get to reclaim yourself.

Edit: I shouldn't have to say this but she is dead to you. Ghost her.

quicklogaccount · 2017-05-06T15:03:24+00:00

Really intense love.

Nope, that's really intense controlling. Your girlfriend required a lot more comfort than you were offering and resorted to love bombing to persuade and manipulate you, to seize some or total control over the LTR.
This behavior could hint she's damaged, but barely any woman is comfortable with LDRs, so there's little surprise there. She'd either pull some shit like that or dump you. No woman would chose to handle the discomfort and angst caused by lacking comfort.

Is this just a typical case of hypergamy that happens everyday, or was this chick mentally-ill and craving someone who would merely be an attention whore?

None really.
Your typical case of hypergamy doesn't involve the absence of direct contact. This absence makes her leaving WAY easier for her.

And the outcome you had is actually to be expected. Again, LDRs aren't nearly fulfilling enough for women.
Most women are only driven by an ambiguous amalgam of social+sexual relationships, hence they need the romantic relationship they're engaged in to fill a sizable role in their lives. Since you talked about marriage and kids with your girlfriend, I assume she belonged to this set. These women aren't good enough for lTrs even, they demand too much investment from their partners and impair their personal growth.
Some women are more focused to other stuff, so the role relationships play for them is smaller. Btw for this set it tend to grow with time, as the baby fever and the wall come. They're usually good enough for LTRs, but the LDR is probably a bit too short for them as well.
People, men and women, only stay in LDRs because of scarcity. Better women end up staying longer because they don't flirt around so they don't have the natural abundance most women have, but they're still women. A guy will come and give her attention, and if her memories of you are distant (or this guy is better), it's pretty easy to press the hypergamy buttons.

Is the dude playing himself with all the attention he's showering her, or do BPDs require extra attention to keep their appetites stimulated?

Assuming that she's not an attention whore and didn't show sexual openness while she was committed to you (this is a fair assumption provided that it lasted four years), he's doing what "worked". He needed to take his time and "freely" offer the stuff you were failing to offer so he could break through the walls she used to keep guys away. Probably comfort and more attraction. Usually only guys in scarcity are this persistent, rare exceptions. He's probably less alpha than you think he is.
Once he managed to break it he found a athirst, needy and compliant woman on the other side. He doesn't know how relationships work, so he'll "keep doing what worked".
She probably loves being showered with attention, but the moment she senses he's doing it to "buy" attraction or validation, he's out. If that's just his personality she'll get used to it and it'll become a part of the landscape, she'll stop to enjoy it soon enough.

Now, on the other hand, if she's damaged, she'll use demanding attention and dosing validation to break and dominate him, unless he gets his validation from elsewhere, leaves, or forces her to fix herself.

I doubt she's BPD. Four years is too long and you didn't mention self harming behaviors. If she is, count yourself REALLY lucky, and the guy is just screwed.

VasiliyZaitzev · 2017-05-06T15:04:28+00:00

I was in a LDR with someone for close to 4 years.

I see where you went wrong. And for 4 years? Holy fuck. That's a long time to have an imaginary girlfriend who cock blocks you when you go out.

Trying to figure out what happened in demise of LTR.

With an LDR, it's always the same thing: You're not around, so she moved on to new dick.

Women are like Wi -Fi: she sees all available devices but connects to the strongest one. (Men, OTOH, are like Bluetooth: he is connected to a woman when she is nearby, but searches for other devices when she's away.)

Suddenly, literally out of the blue, she says she wants to end things.

Because she moved on to new dick. She didn't end it right away, though, she tried the new guy on for a while to make sure he wasn't a total creep.

she was cheating on me with an old friend for a couple months prior to breakup.

Called it. Short put, though I admit.

My question is: Is this just a typical case of hypergamy that happens everyday...

Yeah, prolly. I'm not a doctor unless you count "witch doctor" but it's the simplest explanation and therefore the most likely, if you believe that Occam's Razor stuff.

or was this chick mentally-ill and craving someone who would merely be an attention whore?

They're all that way, it's just a question of degree. 25% of women are on some sort of 'happy pills', i.e. psychiatric medication - the other 75% are "undiagnosed".

Is the dude playing himself with all the attention he's showering her, or do BPDs require extra attention to keep their appetites stimulated?

Both, although they are separate questions. From what little you have told us, the new guy is headed over the falls.

Verdict: Forget her, and move on.

[deleted] · 2017-05-07T21:33:35+00:00

Honestly, SMV does not always factor into hypergamy sometimes women can delude themselves into thinking the other guy was the better option, they usually later regret it. Keep doing you.

walawalawa · 2017-05-06T18:03:14+00:00

Angry, I hung up the phone abruptly (the whole call to end a 4 year LTR lasted maybe 3 min.) and we haven't spoken since. I went straight NC and thought she'd reach out after a week or two. It's been about 5 weeks now since it all happened with no contact.

Good. Stay this way. I had something similar happen a few times. This latest time, I just went immediately no contact...found out she was running around behind my back with a "friend". The details don't matter.

It's now exactly 4 months of absolutely no contact. She comes out to a weekly party but hadn't been for a month, just came out tonight. Her orbiters weren't there. I ignored.

But maybe this will inspire you. I was spinning plates the whole time so even though she shamed me and used all sorts of verbal abuse in her text, stalked me, acted out....by ignoring her I was able to keep my own head.

I've banged more girls, I've kept doing what i'm doing. I entered into a Latin dance contest with 3 smoking hot girls, great photos all over social media.

So yah, she stalks and stares at me but I have not let this get to me publicly at all.

Privately, yah, it pisses me off but that I'm coming to terms with in my own way. Publicly I am projecting an image of zero fucks given and high sexual market value.

Is this just a typical case of hypergamy that happens everyday, or was this chick mentally-ill and craving someone who would merely be an attention whore? Is the dude playing himself with all the attention he's showering her, or do BPDs require extra attention to keep their appetites stimulated?

I could answer this question for you...but would it help? Seriously stop looking for answers. You've handled this brilliantly so far. Make better choices in future. The LDR was a red flag in your story. ALL WOMEN ARE LIKE THAT. That's why you need to remain completely cut off from her to raise your value in your own mind. Stop licking your wounds. I can tell you from experience, the moment I stopped feeling sorry for myself was the moment I started getting back on track.

Hang in there dude....it gets easier.

ThisIsMyPotPie21 · 2017-05-06T16:00:47+00:00

Had the same thing happen but it was with an actual LTR (not LDR).

She left because you're just not good enough. It was the same with me. What I suggest is you make yourself good enough again to get her back. Don't have any hate towards her, only show her love, but don't contact her until you're both physically and mentally the best you can be. It will take a long time, but it's worth it.

Title	Trying to figure out what happened in demise of LTR
Author	Throwaway2434343
Upvotes	3
Comments	8
Date	May 6, 2017 1:37 PM UTC (9 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askTRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/asktrp/comments/69l800/trying_to_figure_out_what_happened_in_demise_of/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askTRP/trying-to-figure-out-what-happened-in-demise-of.90683 https://theredarchive.com/post/90683

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