This past week I have realized something. After one and a half year of self improvement with occasional breaks in between and/or with complete meltdowns where I went on drinking and fucking sprees I realized that I am in constant chase of something.  

I chase the perfect phisique, career, women and sexual experiences, I chase comfort and "adventures" that are ultimately not worth it and do not fullfill me. All of it seems vain to me, people just come and go plates break and get replaced experiences such as threesome, bdsm partying for 2-3 days straight is very fun at the moment but leaves you empty once it passes. What direction should I go to be ok with myself? To be whole so to speak.  

In my head the perfect image of "ALPHA" is somebody who is full, abundant, not seeking external stimuly to feel satisfied with life, who is strong and from his strength he provides kindness and abudance, he does not depend on anyone and anything only relying on his abilities and his internal strength. It seems to me that I have been focusing on wrong things in life. This realizitaion came after I fucked my GF's best friend and later had threesome with a randon fucked up and mentally damaged girl from a bar who loved being degraded. Sitting there and witnessing how she begged to be insulted and spit on made me realize that somewhere along following the TRP I turned the wrong way and instead of pursuing something noble I instead succumb to the temptions. I never had such experiences when I was a teenager but now that I do, I feel appaled.  

Don't mean to sound like an edgy faggot, but I though sharing with you guys might get me a worthwhile answer. I am 25 at the moment and I want to change the direction of my life. Older guys please help me find the right pass to persue.

Thank you in advance redtards.

EDIT: Thank you all for the replies, I wanted to reply to all of you here. I do realize importance of so called "Killer Instinct" the desire to obtain things and experience life and get whatever the fuck you want. My question is more on the phylosophical side of redpill. What things are worth obtaining? I chased a threesome for quite sometime and recently something even better happened but in the process I just realized how perverted and dirty it is (Don't get me wrong still felt amazing). But is that trully what I want to allow to shape me? What is a more noble pursuit in life? I get that redpill is about doing what you want and maximizing your sexual value, but I am strongly convinced that there should be a deeper level of redpill. The ability to understand oneself completaly and be whole with yourself, to trully have abundance not just physically but mentally.

 

For example: When I have 3 Plates that are ready to fuck me I feel great but when they break I go into chasing mode again. But there are some people who are just so stoic and I can sense that their frame is unnafaceted by anything because they are so calm, collected and that comes from within them, outside factors like losing plates does not affect them at all. And these people are not even that rich or arrogant. I call them "NATURALS" but not in Alpha redpill "NATURAL" it is different, I can not articulate how at this moment.

 

I want to reach that level, I want to understand the path to that. It seems to me that just chasing and experiencing won't get me there.

 

And again thank you for taking time from your busy redtard schedule to indulge my faggotry.