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How Do You Know if Someone Wants to Have Sex with You? | Planned Parenthood Video Spreading Misinformation About Consent, Likely Leading to False or Inaccurate Rape Accusations. Sad!

BlockNotDo

November 10, 2017

6 upvotes

/r/MensRights

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qNN3nAevQKY&list=PL3xP1jlf1jgJRkChwVOlwQcV0-UqcWiFV

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Title	How Do You Know if Someone Wants to Have Sex with You? \| Planned Parenthood Video Spreading Misinformation About Consent, Likely Leading to False or Inaccurate Rape Accusations. Sad!
Author	BlockNotDo
Upvotes	6
Comments	11
Date	November 10, 2017 6:19 PM UTC (8 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/MensRights
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/MensRights/comments/7c2w21/how_do_you_know_if_someone_wants_to_have_sex_with/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/MensRights/how-do-you-know-if-someone-wants-to-have-sex-with.911391 https://theredarchive.com/post/911391

Comments

[–]mrwhibbley 2 points3 points4 points 8 years ago (10 children) | Copy Link

[–]BlockNotDo[S] 6 points7 points8 points 8 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link

The problem with "teaching consent", or at least the way consent is currently "taught", is that it is always directed at a target audience of sexual pursuers (typically men) without regard to how the sexually pursued might perceive the message when they hear it.

I somewhat agree with you that if you're meeting up with some girl for the first time and are thinking you might want to have sex with her, using the approach described in the Planned Parenthood video isn't necessarily a bad idea, and following those guidelines will somewhat protect you against "accidentally" raping or sexually assaulting someone.

However, the problem I have with this (and similar) videos, is how it is likely to be interpreted by some who are being sexually pursued.

For example, say I'm a female college freshman and am hanging out at some guy's dorm watching TV. I kind of like him so we're being flirty and sitting close together. I tell him something like "if you tried to kiss me, I wouldn't stop you", and making out begins.

After a bit, he's touching my breast through my clothes. Then he's unbuttoning my pants. I continue to kiss him. He takes off his own shirt and then mine. Things are getting hot and heavy. Now his hands are in my pants. This goes on for 30 minutes, and I'm worried about it going further, so I tell him "let's save this for another time; I want to take things slow".

He stops. We put back on what clothes have been removed. We continue to snuggle on the couch for the next 2 hours. I finally decide it is getting late and I need to leave. We kiss some more on the couch. I get a good-by kiss as I walk out the door. The night is over.

By any logical standard, everything is cool, right? Everyone was participating in everything going on. When I said stop, things stopped. He didn't get angry or put off when we stopped. We kissed more and kissed good-bye. Everyone left happy.

But the next day, I start to regret doing as much with him as we did. Maybe I remember I have a boyfriend. Maybe I tell a couple friends about the night and their response is "ewwwww, that guy". Maybe I had never done that much with a guy before and just feel bad about myself. Maybe I'm worried that things are going to be awkward when I see him in class. Maybe I just changed my mind and wish I had made different decisions the night before. Regardless of the reasons, I regret what happened.

But then I remember that I saw a video from Planned Parenthood about consent. I never said it was ok for him to touch my breast, or take off my clothes or put his hand in my pants! I only consented to kissing! All that other stuff he did, he did without asking for consent! By golly, I never consented to any of that!

Suddenly I realize it isn't regret I'm feeling, it is trauma. Trauma from the sexual assault that I had suffered the night before. I can't believe this happened to me! I know that 1 out of every 3 girls will be sexually assaulted in college, but I never thought it was going to happen to me - much less my freshman year!

Those friends that said "ewwww" about this guy, they need to know that I was just a victim, not a participant! So I rush to their room, fighting back tears, to tell them of this horrible offence that was perpetrated against me. Lucky for me, they saw the Planned Parenthood video too! They encourage me to report him.

I don't know what to do. With the support of my friends, I go to the Resident Advisor and tell her what happened. She is rightly horrified. She's seen the Planned Parenthood video too and even tells me how smart I was to be able to get out of that dangerous situation with this evil predator without actually getting raped. She gives me information on reporting my abuser to the student disciplinary board.

That is how false rape accusations happen - especially on college campuses. And I don't think it is even fair to call them false rape accusations as much as confused or incorrect rape accusations.

By the time the girl in my story gets to the college disciplinary board or the police, she is 100% convinced that the sexual encounter was nonconsensual and she is a victim. By that point, her fear and trauma is real. Never mind that she left the guy's room happy and excited about this budding relationship.

And it all started because too many women have been told, and believe, that if they didn't explicitly consent to every single action, then they were assaulted. That if they had a couple drinks before a sexual encounter, that they were assaulted. That if they said no before they said yes, that they were sexually assaulted.

We need to stop this madness and explain to women (and men) that you not only have the right, but the responsibility, to tell your partner if you are not consenting to something. You can't participate in something without protest, and then decide later that your participation didn't really happen. That's not the way this works. That's not the way any of this works. But feminists really want to change that.

[–]TechnoSam_Belpois 1 point2 points3 points 8 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

[–]Consilio_et_Animis 2 points3 points4 points 8 years ago (7 children) | Copy Link

[–]mrwhibbley 1 point2 points3 points 8 years ago (6 children) | Copy Link

[–]BlockNotDo[S] 0 points1 point2 points 8 years ago (5 children) | Copy Link

[–]mrwhibbley 1 point2 points3 points 8 years ago (4 children) | Copy Link

[–]BlockNotDo[S] 0 points1 point2 points 8 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link

[–]mrwhibbley 0 points1 point2 points 8 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link

[–]BlockNotDo[S] 0 points1 point2 points 8 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link

[–]mrwhibbley 1 point2 points3 points 8 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link