I find, ever since reading TRP, that I am mentally unable to love a girl, in the traditional sense. There is this impermeable barrier that ascends and descends based on circumstances but never goes below a certain level.

It is as if my disposition is one of distrust and scepticism - internally rolling my eyes at some remarks which many young women spout. There is this feeling of dislocation for the world, where people are barren vessels only to be gained from.

It is an acceptance of some sorts but masks this underlying disgust for the world. The relationships are now underpinned by a transactional premise; there is no real, genuine affection as there was before in my younger days.

It seems a lonely life and perhaps not worth the tradeoff. Sure, terrible things happen when you go in blind, but I sense some blindness allows for greater happiness. I am handsome and well-built and have many women throw their hands on me but all I want is to be a young lad swinging into backyard away from all this trouble and feel those heart throbs when I saw my sweetheart when I was a young man. Now it's all a cold curtain. The truth is too harsh, I don't wish it on people.