Need help/advice quickly, please!

iiiq · 2016-01-20T17:33:33+00:00

https://dalrock.wordpress.com/2012/10/30/is-his-wife-abusive/

A few night ago my husband and I got into an argument. We both had had a few drinks at home with some friends for his birthday. He was mad at me and we went to our bedroom to talk about it. I shut the door behind us and was standing in front of it. He was very mad and hit a cup of water across the bedroom. And said he was leaving. I told him there's no reason to leave and that we should jut talk and move on with our night. He walked over to me and grabbed my wrists and threw me into the bed. And then left the room. I have bruises on my arms and side. He has never touched me in the 6 years we have been together. But a week ago he got in my face for the first time. So it seems to me that it's getting worse. Should I take these as red flags? If so what should I do. Also we have three kids together. I don't want this to effect them.

You aren't understanding what transpired. Turn the sexes around to see what really happened. Picture this: A husband decides to keep his wife captive (kidnapping) by blocking her only exit from the room. She manages to escape, but her kidnapper receives some minor bruising in the struggle because he wasn't going to let her free without a fight. He then comes on yahoo answers complaining about the unfairness of it all. "Why won't she let me hold her captive like she is supposed to? Can you believe that she actually fought back?"

He isn't an abuser. You are.

Edit: Some more context which you may not have considered. At that moment when he hit the cup of water across the room, he was extremely agitated and in a state of "fight or flight". He told you he needed to leave, and you stood your ground blocking his exit and said “That won’t be necessary.” You felt you had an advantage by keeping him literally trapped in that room, so you decided to block off the opportunity of flight knowing that if he tried to leave, you could physically stop him using the profoundly biased Domestic Violence legal process to hold him hostage. In a primal sense, you were *insisting on a fight from him knowing that if he didn't resist what you were baiting him to do you could destroy his life. He grabbed your hands and pushed you away because he was afraid that if he started to move past you gently you would refuse to let him pass and also likely engage in a physical fight. He didn't want to fight you, so he controlled your hands so you couldn't hit, scratch, or hold him and separated you from him as quickly as he could while escaping the physical trap you had set for him. This took a good amount of force, because you didn't want to let him out without a fight.

When your plan to hold him in the room and taunt him while he was highly distressed didn't work out as expected, you came here crying about how mean he was. What you should be doing instead is apologizing to him for doing something so cruel, and promising never to hold him captive during a fight again. If he is losing his cool, let him exit. If you don't, it can only mean that you are either sadistic or are hoping for the drama, power, and sympathy which comes with claiming domestic violence.

If he had been the one who wrote the question, I would have warned him that what he did in response to you was extremely ill advised. His best bet in that situation was to wait for your childish game to end, and then deal with your willingness to manipulate him in such a cruel way. I am extremely against divorce, but a wife willing to do what you did to her husband is something which would justify immediate divorce in my opinion, especially if she was unrepentant or the police had become involved making the consequences irrevocable.

agent_of_entropy · 2016-01-20T17:51:41+00:00

Open the window and leave the house.

truthserum23 · 2016-01-20T17:56:53+00:00

Been there. Call the cops.

casusbelli1 · 2016-01-20T17:26:00+00:00

If the laws where you live permit it, record all interactions between the two of you. Also, if you touch her in any way, even in self defense, there is a high likelihood that you will be arrested and charged with some sort of domestic violence crime.

Lanoir97 · 2016-01-20T17:46:32+00:00

Hey man I'm here for you. We can bullshit about some dumb stuff and get you calmed down. Later on when things are calmed down you can talk to her about it.

probpoopin · 2016-01-20T18:41:43+00:00

Video tape everytime it happens. If she blocks the door, call the cops. That is illegal and called holding someone against their will/kidnapping. Police and courts look down on this very much. Especially if you are trying to leave and calm the situation. Call then one time and I bet her entire attitude changes. She will be ordered to DV treatment where she will actually learn how to cope and handle disagreement.

harrymckenzie15 · 2016-01-20T17:25:25+00:00

Can you call a female friend to come and help deescalate the situation?

hidden_but_true · 2016-01-20T17:34:20+00:00

Shit.

Is the door locked securely?

Keep yourself calm. If the door is secure, the situation is not that bad. You might just wish to wait it out.

If you want, some people here (me included) can keep you company via skype/steam/whatever

soalone34 · 2016-01-20T18:07:16+00:00

Run and lock yourself in a room? Also don't you have a back door? Or wait until she's asleep.

192873982 · 2016-01-20T18:20:54+00:00

If you are still locked into the bedroom, call the police and tell them your wife has locked you into the bedroom.

And without consideration how you came out of the room in the end, leave the house and go somewhere else without telling her where you'll live. She will probably call you a lot. If that happens, good, get a restraining order. At that point, you are actually in a legal advantage.

If you have an explosive temper, you may be better at telling her your view via a letter where you explain yourself.

cottonthread · 2016-01-21T09:14:01+00:00

Record everything
Talk to her about her doing this sometime when you're not arguing - she needs to realise she's making things worse. If you can't do this in person without a massive fight again then write a letter?
Consider an anger management class or something - you won't always be able to leave a situation that pisses you off
If it happens this often consider if you're right for eachother

Title	Need help/advice quickly, please!
Author	Xxfithrowawayhelp
Upvotes	16
Comments	12
Date	January 20, 2016 5:08 PM UTC (10 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/MensRights
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/MensRights/comments/41v9jw/need_helpadvice_quickly_please/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/MensRights/need-helpadvice-quickly-please.958107 https://theredarchive.com/post/958107

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