Been separated for over two years. Divorce is at a stand still due to a technicality involving custody over a child whom I’m unsure I want to give up. Even though I know it’s not biologically mine. I was there for the birth and have made a connection. The cost of DNA testing is mostly what’s holding the divorce back. She can’t afford to help with it. But as time goes on I don’t even know if I want to go with that. The courts are expecting it. To know the answer to every situation would make me immortal, which I’m not. I’m not looking for advice on this. Mostly just venting. I sometimes struggle to feed myself because I help with her finances way too much. Getting better at not helping with the extra finances. But the guilt of potentially not providing for all my children eats at me when I don’t help. She doesn’t handle money the best. Not the worst but not enough to ease my mind about it. I guess I’m not that great at handling money either if I’m struggling to eat sometimes. But those are the times when I figure I’m set and then she brings up something that’s needed and talks me into helping. Mind y’all, I didn’t want to end things. I had to. She wanted something more than what she thought she had. Wouldn’t make the decision. “We’re not compatible” is how she justifies it, but I know it’s just that I wasn’t what she thought I was. Which was a push over. Someone to watch her kids while she went out and acted like a kid free of responsibility. Then I’d be the one in the wrong for wanting sleep when I’ve been up most of the night worrying about her. But she was the one entitled to that sleep.

It’s been over 2 years since we moved away. I should be getting better at dealing with the past. In some ways I am. My brother has been trying to talk me into letting go. And I have mostly. The main thing holding me back from asking her to come back is the fact that she did what she did. I can’t get myself to forgive her. Or forget about it. So in a way I’m protected by that. Though recent events in her life have implanted the idea that I should take her back for the sake of our kids.

The other thing holding me back is she’s still with the father of the before mentioned kid. Which is fine. He wasn’t great at the start but has made progress. Significant progress. I’m impressed by the growth he’s made. That’s honorable. Which is what made me agree to giving up my rights to his kid (he wasn’t so good when he impregnated her, so I was the one by her side for the birth. I was the one she chose to put on the birth certificate. Had he been how he is now, he’d be there. And I’d be completely divorced.)

But 2 years later I’m still legally married. Unable to move on because, (some might say I’m an idiot) my moral compass doesn’t let me die to the fact that I am still married and just separated, and partly because I’ve grown particularly picky about the women I’d consider to be my wife.

So I guess I’m done with that vent.