Long post:

I received such amazing support after my initial post several months ago. I am 7 months from separation and am still living in the house with the STBX as I await the conclusion of the process. There is no end in sight to this. The lawyers on either end drag their feet to see who blinks first. It is part of their game to keep it going, racking up higher bills as we go. We are still at discovery, and I can’t push for faster processing as it will be used as leverage. Thus, I wait. The positives, though, are that I see my kids regularly and don’t have extra expenses. Based on the manipulation and entrapment tactics she used, we only engage via email/text. And only verbally in an emergency. And even then, I record the conversation. Man, it’s tough. Going through this process is eye-opening. I thought I could do this amicably and fairly. I am not greedy. At this point in my 50s, I just want to be at peace. Just take a few of the sentimental things with me. I couldn’t care less about most of the stuff in the house. I just want to lead a much simpler life, taking care of 2 kids who are going to college, and one who will be there in another year or so. All my attempts to manage what I thought would be straightforward items have been met with resistance and negativity. I joke about this - if I say “the sun sets in the west”, I expect an argument, pushback, and challenging the obvious. Our joint property tax bills are coming due, and she wants to use my post-separation income instead of pre-separation funds to pay for these. Everything is met with an opposite view.

I tell you what - I am quickly becoming the ultimate turtle. Patience. To help with that, I am trying to learn to play the piano. It helps refocus and allows me to have something to look forward to every day. Which is another day closer. Since I stopped engaging verbally 182 days ago, I have experienced almost complete peace - the peace I heard about from others, but never truly experienced for many many years. Until now. Wow, any time I feel impatient, I quickly refocus to the sense of peace I have had, for the most part, throughout the past few months. Why didn’t I do this before? I believe i was not appreciating my worth. I was scared to death of not seeing the kids regularly. But I adjusted to the latter. Living and breathing this peace, albeit not yet in the final setting, and knowing that my kids are going to be well, swung the pendulum for me. It showed me that my mental well-being is really important. Despite frustration with the legal process and what lawyers do, I have created this space, this peaceful state, to help me manage the transition.

If you read all the way to the end of this post, Thank You!