So, I'll try to be brief but you know how these things are. 14 months ago my wife said she wanted to separate. I didn't know where to look, I was distraught, am emotional wreck. We had been together 16yrs married for 9 and had 3 kids (12yr twins and a 7yr old). I wasn't the best version of a husband for the previous 2 years while I was seriously depressed dealing with my mum slipping away to dementia. I had therapy and medication, took regular exercise and began to feel life was getting better. I felt better than I had in years, thats when she told me she wanted to seperate. I pleaded for counselling, anything, to reconcile to make it ok. During the following weeks my mum died, it was tragically relieving but expected and frankly a release for her she was 82. Like a freedom from that particularly painful experience.

We attended counselling and it was a revelation, from June to August last year we were as happy together as I can remember. Had dates, opened up to each other and started to rebuild the relationship. Then in October her mother became ill and within 4weeks had died. She was 61, they were incredibly close and I myself had loved her as the nan to my kids that my mum couldn't be.

My wife was beyond inconsolable, I stood with her and did everything humanly possible to ease the impossible situation. Her funeral was the week before Xmas, everything was a mess (obviously). I was spiralling into a bit of a bad place myself and I will admit I acted like a lemon at some key moments and let her and myself down. We try counselling again and the councillor tells us/her that the only real way forward is acceptance and forgiveness. She says she cannot forgive me being a dickhead the day after her mums funeral (I broke, we argued and it wasn't good. At all). We didn't return to counselling again. She has in total, asked for a seperation 4 times in just over a year. I have spent that time wondering if she was staying because she wanted to or because I was "making" her.

I think I have to accept the answer now. I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't want me. On one hand I'm devastated at my family breaking up but I can't make someone love me. In the moments I'm ok I can feel relief and look forward to a future without the stress of worrying if marriage is "real". Do all the things I couldn't, then I think if I couldn't do something then how happy was I really? How much was I conforming to be a person I thought she wanted?

Now I'm taking some days away to consolidate my feelings. Am I deluded? Or is this positivity real? Anyone else relate?

I've taken great strength from this sub the last few days. I'd really appreciate any from you guys. Thanks.