So I’m 50M with 46F wife, married 25yrs, 4 teen kids and completely dead marriage. Probably had sex 10 times in past 10 years, zero shared interests/hobbies, she’s sedentary I’m active, only thing in common is kids. Day to day interaction with wife is terse and tense and not fun.

I had been living in hope that it all would change for the better, maybe when the kids were older and/or out of the house. But over the past year I can see we have grown too far apart and a happy marriage is not recoverable. Right now I am committed to divorce, timing being in about 4-5 years when kids are imminently out of the house. There will be significant joint property to divide in this 50/50 no fault divorce state.

My question: when it’s time, should I just cold file for divorce and move to the spare bedroom until finalized or “give her a clue” and try some counseling etc so as to not blindside her.

I take equal blame for letting the marriage die, she’s been a loyal life partner, but I know she’d be a lot better off with someone more compatible than me. So I want to give her the best chance at getting closure and moving on, but I know from a legal tactical standpoint the less she knows in advance the better.

So I’d really like to hear thoughts on pros/cons of either route, any experiences with similar situations, and general thoughts on best course of action.

Thanks for your consideration and comments.