Dealing with missing “things” not the relationship

HathorsSekhmet44__4 · 2024-12-28T15:15:01+00:00

Divorce finance sub, check it out. It’s helpful

regertsrus · 2024-12-28T14:13:56+00:00

I can't give advice on this question but I can share my sentiments and how this piece of the puzzle was eventually righted for me; I was the breadwinner. My stbx is a lazy lying pathological cheater. I bought and paid for a home then remodeled it with my 2 hands over 10 years. I also put her on the deed before we were married (I was very stupid and in love). Thousans of hours invested and hundreds of thousands in separate funds thrown at it. 3 years ago I find 10% of the lies and deceit. Few weeks after her own family and mother clues me in on the 90%. I leave promptly into the depths of hell and begin to stay at nearby roach motels. I have very limited access to kids (mostly self imposed). I couldn't stop the often daily and random panic attacks so I chose to stay away from the kids beyond a day or two per week. I meet a woman while I am at the motels. The relationship flourished and we are an amazing blended family with her own kids. My stbx is still a compulsive and pathological liar, but I have clawed back 50% of the time now that I am very much stable spiritually and mentally. 1/3 kids that stayed with me regardless of where I was living, today now stays loyal to his mom despite them all hating there in the marital home and hating the new boyfriend who is living there sinse March. The other 2 kids asked to stay with me more often but I asked then to sleep on that decision for a while because Mom needs them now more than ever. Financially I have been in a far worse position than her. As I pay her 40k pretax yearly for having the kids half the time, and still continue to support the kids more than she does, while she spends lavishly on her self and the boyfriend whom I believe to be a total loeffer. The home is paid off and i did not fight exclusive use. The new loeffer is a strange mix of liar and narcisist in one package. He has gotten in trouble with child lawyer and was kicked on a Friday only to come back the day after when they blackmailed the boys with a puppy. I did not pursue this legally and took the details and explanation to the kids about it all despite the court warning "not to alienate each other". This is a recent development and I am no longer taking the courts "recommendations". I pick up extra side work. I got a raise. I pick up side clients. I don't work too much like I used to during marriage. Our financial trial is coming soon. At that point she will have to pay me nearly a quarter million which will likely negate the child support over the next nearly 9 years remaining and she may have to go to work full time finally. I deal with the financial problems and reduced standard of living, by living it up outside the home. By finding trust and hope and love again. By being as selfless as I can. By remembering my favorite quotes that I try to live by. By knowing that the meaning of life is to put meaning into it. By Climbing out of a hellish hole (mostly in my mind) back into reality. By getting (grabbing and clawing no judge helped me and were unable/unwilling to stop me from taking my time) equal access to my kids. By going from literal zero back to hero in a span of years again. Along these lines. The trauma is still palpable. I can still taste 3 years ago. Even writing about it here makes the anger and dibilitating depression come back in my mind like a snapshot reel. I am not sure if this sensation will ever vanish but I know it as the last remnant of my recovery. I am doing really well. I am happier than I was in my marriage. My kids enjoy their time with me much more than the privileged life I left for their benefit. I hope that helps you. Just random jumbled thoughts of my past. You're question was one I felt but now I just deal with it as best as I can. The financial part is only a burden if you allow it to be. You don't have to. You can change it in a variety of ways.

GuyNearMemphis · 2024-12-28T13:43:04+00:00

Starting over is always hard. But sometimes necessary. You're welcome to pm me. I screwed up my separation and it cost me for years

Title	Dealing with missing “things” not the relationship
Author	stoicdad23
Upvotes	6
Comments	7
Date	December 28, 2024 1:37 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1ho5ti4/dealing_with_missing_things_not_the_relationship/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/dealing-with-missing-things-not-the-relationship.1539738 https://theredarchive.com/post/1539738

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