I recently finalized a divorce with my ex who I was with for eight years but only legally married nine months. I’ve been doing a lot of reflection over the past few months. I had always taken responsibility for actions and when she first abruptly told me over the phone that she wanted a divorce, I was full of shame and guilt.

I have a sleep disorder and rolled over one night and accidentally elbowed her. I apologized and didn’t think anything of it. The next few days she was very angry and cruel with me and claimed I was abusive. I was in the process of moving across the country and buying her a house so I again apologized as best I could.

Over the next three months she started saying really cruel things like “I never intended to combine bank accounts or take your last name”, “you’re a bad person and put your hands on me”, “you’ve tainted every major moment in my life”, “providing for me is literally the bare minimum.” I internalized these because I cared for her and thought if I put my head down and worked even harder things would be okay. Sometimes I had breadcrumbs from her where she would talk about having children or give bits of affection.

I can see now that she was probably constructing a narrative to allow her to leave without consequences. She kept referring to being scared of me and “darkness” in our life even though I was gray rocking and trying my hardest to fix up the house. She eventually blew everything up by telling her friends and family I was abusive to her. This stung badly at first, but now I see it’s a common tactic in these situations.

Now that I’ve had time to process, I now can see that marriage is a system. I showed up in good faith and meant my vows. I provided a house and many good things. She did not. I am responsible for elements of the system but so is she. Without her in my life, I’m way better off in regard to stress, finances, ability to travel, social interactions, health. Dating other women is so much easier. She was abusing me verbally and through manipulation tactics. I’m never going to be in a situation where I give up my autonomy again or have to subsidize the life of an adult.

I still have a long way to go on my journey but these are some hard fought observations after four months of reflection. Hope everyone is hanging in there, this community has been immensely helpful.