Hi all — I’m hoping to hear from people who have been through divorce and found themselves struggling to open up or commit again after.

I (26F) was recently seeing (34M) who went through a divorce a couple of years ago. His ex-wife was successful, controlling, and they had a lot of history (including trauma bonding through grief — his dad passed while they were together, and she didn’t take his inheritance). From what he’s told me, she cheated on him while he was recovering from a seizure, and they divorced soon after. They also had explosive fights where she threw things at him and the cops were called, and he felt like he lost himself in the relationship where friends said he was “less himself” and wasn’t able to have as much fun because she was “controlling”. Again, not sure how much of this is true because I never got his wife’s perspective (hence the quotation marks), this was just his takeaway from their time together.

When we met, it felt like a soft landing for him. He opened up emotionally in ways I don’t think he was used to (past experiences, traumas, etc.). He introduced me to his friends and even wanted me to meet his mom. We also traveled together and had experiences he claimed he hasn’t done since his ex wife and have done with no other partner since. We were going to go abroad together to his best friend’s wedding until he unexpectedly cancelled the trip because he felt an overwhelming sense of guilt that he might hurt me since he’s not in a place to be in a serious relationship. They key here was that I never pushed him to plan or book these trips, concerts or meet his friends. As a matter of fact he did and would be upset whenever I questioned if we’re moving too fast, and he would always be the one who asked me if I was overwhelmed. I was always more than happy to meet his friends and go on these adventures with him, I only questioned it slightly because I was also scared that he would overwhelm himself which ended up happening.

In the last two weeks of our relationship, we made things exclusive. When he ended things he said he felt pressured to because I had mentioned in a conversation that if he were at this point in our relationship started seeing anyone else that I would be hurt and inclined to leave, I just wanted to be honest with where I was at emotionally. When he ended things he mentioned that he felt guilt, overwhelm, and that he wasn’t “ready for a serious relationship.” He wanted to keep this casual (non-exclusive), said contradictory things like “you know I hate dating” but that if the possibility ever came up where someone perused either of us that he didn’t want to feel bad for persuing things. He said he didn’t want me out of his life and that I’m the only other person besides one of his best friends that he’s opened up to at this capacity and would rather have me in his life than not, even as a friend. The entire conversation felt full of contradictions. I had to be honest with myself and I told him that at this point in our relationship that I wasn’t able to remain casual. He respected that and said that if that’s the case it’s best that we move on. I stupidly drunk called him two days later and heard no response until a week later….He later texted me saying he missed making memories with me and that I was “a special person,” but still felt it was the right decision to part ways. I can’t help but feel that if I had been a little more patient this could have ended differently. It’s worth mentioning that in person I asked him if we’re ending things and he said that the decision was ultimately up to me and that he didn’t want to end things.

So here are the questions I’d love to hear your take on:

• If you’ve been through a divorce, how long did it take before you could emotionally commit again?

• Did you ever walk away from someone who felt safe or good for you, because it felt too real too fast — and did you regret it?

• What helped you feel safe or ready to try again?

• Did anyone ever come back to a person they left because of fear or guilt — and if so, what triggered that return?

• What made the “right person, wrong time” feel like the right time again?

And lastly — if you’re someone who shut down emotionally after your divorce, what did it feel like to care for someone new even when your walls were still up?

Right now, I thanked him for our time together and wished him nothing but the best and happiness. I’m not going to chase him because I respect his honesty. We ended on a great note and I was hoping to reconnect after taking some space and would love an honest opinion on if I should reach out in a few months or wait for him to? And if he doesn’t if I should just move on.

Thank you in advance to anyone who’s willing to share. I know everyone’s situation is different, but I’m just trying to understand what might be going on in his head — or what might have been if fear and timing hadn’t gotten in the way.