It is been almost a month now. I never felt my days are longer and time passes so slow that I feel the each hour. She left so blindsided after 11 years that I am still having nightmares of trying to talk with her.

Of course constantly thinking, why she gave up on me, after all my hardwork of trying to build a life in foreign country, she said she doesn’t like the city and she has much happiness, work, community in her city that she can’t also make me to live there. My life and surroundings don’t bring energy and happiness so she left. We never had this option on table. Plan was always me creating a space for us so we can move.

I tried. I tried so hard make a life here since 7 years. Made my masters, worked in cafe, warehouses, nightclubs all jobs I could find in corona and after corona. 6 years I lived in shared flats because renting a flat in here alone nearly was impossible, I made it last year and rented. I found marketing job a starting point but due to permits it took 3 years to finally have something. I got in debt to survive.

All passing years she made amazing career, senior manager earns 3x than I, made savings, created social life, personal trainers, learned my language, attend workshops… she became well established adult. Because she did all in her language in her comfort zone. I was always her biggest supporter, admired all her success while I do all tryings and failings.

Now this week feels so dark. I keep questioning why she gave up on me, why when I was struggling so much last years she haven’t talk or express her sadness or wishes or anything. I was happily waiting her to move her and planning our summer holiday.

I am looking at myself and thinking even she probably wouldn’t even date me if we would meet as strangers. Big debt, no career, got old, depressed and lost the light on eyes. I am 31M, and losing this special bounding makes me feel that I won’t feel the happiness truly anymore. Last weeks I tried to walk, make some trips, everything I see my brain acts like “she would have love, she would say this and that” which my brain was doing this since 11 years until last month.

I blame my fuck ups, my depression to lose everything. Guess what, my company sent even letter this week that they want to get rid of me. Soon unemployed, alone in foreign country that all my efforts vanished.