I posted on Monday saying I filed. Things were a shock at first and she told me she felt blindsided. This actually caught me off guard because we had been talking about it seriously, up to the point of her looking for her own apartment.

We still live under the same room and remain amicable so far, and yesterday I got the paperwork from my attorney to have her sign as a no fault divorce. I haven’t given them to her yet, but this whole process has been incredibly hard and whirlwinds of emotions flood through my mind. Whether that is guilt, dread, panic, anxiety, fear, loneliness, and somehow, also peace.

Words can’t fully articulate it now, but my head is all over the place. The night I told her I filed I ended up throwing up from 1am to 6am. I took Tuesday off of work due to me feeling so sick, and Wednesday went to work but didn’t feel much better. Today (Thursday) I don’t feel physically ill anymore, but very somber and just down.

My father has helped keep me grounded through this, but I get recurring doubts on if I’m doing the right thing, which I do think I am, but it is incredibly challenging. I have been pressured and expected to take on so many things, and when I confronted those ideas of HER world, I’d get shot down and yelled at. She snaps at the smallest things, and tries to control so many aspects of our life. We just aren’t compatible plain and simple. She has tried to change, and I notice change, but damage and wounds are just too deep.

I’m hoping the next part of my journey, wherever it may be, is fruitful and full of richness in mind and spirit. Right now it pains me just to say that, but I need to put it out there because it’s true.

Wish me luck.