I thought I could make it work if I put in the effort.

My wife (31F) and I (35M) have been married 3 years, together for 6.

Things escalated…quickly, to say the least in the beginning. We were dating for about a month before we were intimate for the first time (I was her first). About a month after that we were living together. She was living with family at the time and had a very toxic relationship with them. She was getting ready to move out regardless, but we had happened to meet and start dating at the time.

I would be lying if I said I didn’t play a part in the decision to move in together as well. She was the first girl I had ever been in a serious relationship with, and I hers. First girl to meet my family, etc…

We had been living together about two years when I popped the question. I honestly thought I was ready. But at the same time, I was not necessarily in a great shape at the time. After we had moved in together I had let myself go immensely, between the pandemic (had a lot of time off), the stress of our relationship, and I was drinking too much. I also felt I great deal of pressure from my family (religious), as well as my own insecurities of nearing 30 and still being unmarried.

Before I met my wife I had been living a pretty unserious lifestyle, meaningless relationships that were primarily about sex and lacked any real substance. I felt like I wanted to put a stop to that.

I also felt like she was someone who would check the boxes for someone my mother would approve of. Which I feel like, looking back now, is a very stupid reason to do something. Because we didn’t really have a lot in common and the things I wanted her to take an interest in was a lost cause.

It felt like things started to fizzle out very early on in the marriage. I learned that we didn’t really have communication between us. Led to a pretty rough financial situation that I did not handle well when she blew her credit card bill sky high.

I still felt like I needed to fight for our marriage though because we had been through so much together and she did help me get back in shape through dieting and helping me with that (she is a good cook).

I have also wanted her to get in shape as well. She was a bit chubby when we met, but she was working out strenuously in the beginning. It felt like after we got married though she just dropped it entirely and it has put a fizzle on the attraction side of things. That and she still struggles with communication. Although I do acknowledge that I am part of the problem there as well as I am not an easy person to deal with. As hard as I try to be open and communicate with her, she doesn’t always like how I put things and this causes her to shut down, which triggers something in me and causes me to shut down…(pretty sure it is rooted in how I came up as a kid, my mother would use silence as a form of punishment when I was young. And it always harkens back to that when she does it. But she shuts down because of her own trauma and I can’t exactly judge her for that either…)

I have been in individual counseling for a few months now, and we started marriage counseling about a week ago. But I am still struggling massively as I am coming to realize that we don’t have a lot in common, I tried to change her throughout the course of our relationship because everything moved so fast and I didn’t really take into if she was someone who checked all the boxes for me. But it was wrong of me to do that. Because she was still learning who she was because she had moved out for the first time and was experiencing the world, it just happened to be with me because I pressured her because I’m insecure and was afraid if she moved in with someone else that I would lose her…

I also feel like I think about other women a lot…I am ashamed of this fact. I try not to go out much and isolate myself a lot because it’s hard for me to be around attractive women as it causes me deep distress and frustration. I’ve never cheated but I feel like temptation is like torture and I don’t know what to do. She won’t make any serious strides to get in shape (she is like 5’4 and 180lbs)

But no matter how bad things get, I feel like losing her would push me to a very dark place and I don’t know if I would survive. I have lost a lot though out the course of our marriage. I started using marijuana heavily for a few years up until recently where I stopped and started medication to start dealing with my depression/adhd. I quit my job that I had been with last year because I couldn’t bring myself to end things (marriage) and the stress of my job (I was making good money, but because of everything going on inside me I was spiraling hard…) I took some time to try and get things back on track. But I still feel so lost and unfulfilled…

TL:DR My wife and I met, things moved quickly, felt like I was pressured into marriage due to my insecurities and I have not been handling things well and I don’t know how to deal with this…

Can anyone relate to this situation? I feel like I was raised with guilt and shame and that likely played a role in all this… and as much as I want to make a move…I’m afraid of being totally alone…