Hey,

I want to share my experience here if it might be helpful to anyone. I’m 38 years old with a 4 year old child.

I graduated with a chemical engineering degree in 2009 and started working as an engineer shortly after. I realized something wasn’t right with my environment or the world so I went on a spiritual quest, what is consciousness you could say. I guess I’ve always questioned the meaning of life and have always identified with people like Chris McCandless.

In probably 2011 I read Tryptamine Palace, The God Theory, Stumbling on Happiness, The Power of Now amongst others. I tripped on mushrooms over a couple of months and got to some heavy but simple conclusions. After that I sort of lost my spiritual way and got married in 2015. Bought the biggest coolest house on the block. Blah blah blah.

I left my first engineering job in 2017 then tried out some other stuff and got into a different engineering discipline in 2019. Had a kid in 2020.

I always viewed my wife as the most important thing in my life. I would do anything for her, she was my everything.

After we had our kid our problems really begun and they just snowballed. We separated in 2022.

I bought my wife out of our house and stayed in the house. I started dating like a month after we separated. It all blurred the lines. I couldn’t handle being in that house and sold it about six months after we split.

We divorced in June of 2023 and I got remarried in August of 2023.

After being remarried for a while I realized I hated being in a relationship and did one of those things where I went to get milk and didn’t come back. I slept in my car for three nights and was completely content. My mom got word of it and had me move in with her. So since May I’ve been living with my mom.

All I do is run. I work remotely. I have my daughter every other weekend. I have never been more me and content.

From June until October I was training for a half marathon and when that was done I felt my brain feel a little off. It took me a couple of weeks to pin point it and I realized it was me craving things again, in the slightest. After me and my real wife split I would constantly just want my life back. After I had my kid I just wanted this job. For a year I killed my self for selling my big beautiful home.

When I left my second marriage in May I realized to my core I never wanted to be with anyone again. I never wanted a traditional home again. I was good with all that.

The cravings that popped up after my race are where all my suffering resides. I started to question all of decisions in life and all that and it was incredibly painful. I thought I was loosing my mind again. After realizing it was wanting that was the issue I was blank and content again. I begun thinking of all I learned when I went on my spiritual quest and I’m good now.

Last March I got up to 243 lbs then when I left in May something clicked in me. I no longer even craved food or anything. Right now I sit at about 185. I didn’t drink alcohol for like 15 years because I would binge drink and I was like not for me. I started having alcohol in May and would drink just one beer for the taste. I had no craving whatsoever to get drunk.

I know I have a ton of work to do and I don’t know what my life looks like going forward (don’t care from a materialistic perspective) but I think whatever I learned 15 years ago clicked for me after enough “suffering”. To be fair some of that suffering involved my ex wife messing me in terms of parenting and if not for that I don’t think I would have broke.

Right after my divorce I read books on divorce but kept just wanting my life back which was part of the problem.

Now I want nothing. I mean truly know it. And that is everything! If the hottest girl and a million dollars fell in my life right now I wouldn’t take them.

I know this won’t resonate with some but if you’re reading this and feeling it maybe pursue it.