I need help

into_being · 2019-08-11T05:27:57+00:00

I went through similar. I agree with the advice to see a lawyer. I went through my first legal consult to see what divorce looked like in my state approximately a year after I learned of her cheating. I couldn't deal with the reality and gravity of the situation for a long time. 2 years later, I filed - the trust was broken, I was paranoid, and 95% certain she was cheating again and hiding it better. Figured out it didn't matter, I don't trust her, she's a liar and a cheat, and our relationship was bad for me.

I had gotten through my anger, and was just sad... losing sleep, paranoid, ruminating and intrusive thoughts, and apathy towards everything I once cared about. Fucking absolute misery. After that first year, I swore to myself that I would never tolerate a relationship that caused me such suffering and despair. I chose myself, instead of continued self-sacrifice.

If you stick it out due to fear of hurting your kids are you going to be a much more miserable and ineffective parent? I was. I think many people are. I think we use the kids as an excuse to not do the hard and painful thing we know we need to do. I did. I regret that part. "Self-sacrifice" is a false ideal that makes you less valuable and helpful both to yourself and to everyone else.

My daughter is a lot older than your kids, but has basically shut me out of her life. I dislike that, but I understand. I'm patient with that fact, and available if she's ever interested in knowing who I am. I think younger kids have the ability to take a divorce better, they can grow into it, it's just "how it is now".

I think kids tend to do better with two loving and separate parents than they do with two married and miserable ones. If you're interested in taking part in their lives, focus on yourself and your own well-being while being the best father you can be. It's easy to get distracted by the marital death rattles and divorce issues.

I HIGHLY recommend that you focus absolutely on what you need and plan the exit. You said this is what you want for a reason. You don't even have to go through with it, but it takes a long time to set up and plan. So trust yourself, and get your ducks in a row so you'll be prepared when [if] it's time.

Lingus4 · 2019-08-11T04:47:21+00:00

Hey OP. Sorry to hear that you are in such a difficult situation.

My advice is to work on your Plan B so that if you cannot stay in the relationship you have an alternate place to live which is suitable for you and your kids. Have some money set aside for contingencies (rent, furniture, utilities, legal costs). Get your support network in place - family/friends especially those who have been thru divorce. Have a discreet chat with a family lawyer in your jurisdiction. But most of all ALWAYS keep your cool. It never helps to lose your composure. Stay Frosty my friend.

Then sit down with your spouse and talk with her and see if you can make a go of things. Marriage is always a compromise and be flexible but know your boundaries. Many a marriage has survived near-divorce. Yours may be the same but always have Plan B in place.

Good luck.

NWAustinDude · 2019-08-11T05:19:29+00:00

Talk to an attorney. Protect your rights to your kids and get your finances together. A lot of others have been where you are - myself included. You will be OK. Your kids are young, they won’t understand right now, but you may be able to keep custody and your hone if you file first and collect evidence of her behavior.

Your marriage may be over, but if you’re trying to save it then you’re playing it wrong brother. You have to show her that you don’t give two fuks about her. Show her that you’ve moved past it, even if you haven’t yet. Let her feel the loss.

You’re giving her all the reason to disrespect you because you know what she’s up to and you still act like you care. No woman will respect that. Don’t give her the satisfaction and get your respect back. Withdraw all your attention from her. No emotion - all business. Keep any communication short and pertinent to the kids only.

Don’t drink around her and don’t acknowledge her. Just man-up and remember that her bad lifestyle choices and upbringing are not your fault. You kids will love you no matter what - lead by example. Hit the gym and run, hike, etc to reduce your stress level. You’ll see a change in her. Just stay strong. Good luck. File first!

Jsjohnson77 · 2019-08-11T14:21:49+00:00

Thank you all for the advice. As crazy as it seems it is good to hear from others that I am not alone in feeling the way I do. I sometimes think that there is still hope but then I realize like someone said that I have lost all trust for her and she has done nothing to regain it. I am scared to leave cause I worry about my kids resenting me speaking from experience. My own parents got divorced when I was 6 and I resented my own father for a long time in fact we still don’t have a good relationship. It’s funny cause I now feel like I understand him better since I am going through it myself.

NWAustinDude · 2019-08-11T21:29:51+00:00

My daughter is 4 and my son just turned 13. I have my kids 50/50 but the divorce is still not finalized. Our home was sold. I have my own place and STBX does also.

My daughter has adjusted over the last year. My son has also adjusted. He knows most of the details, not explicit details obviously but he knows that his mother was having an affair because she got so sloppy with her attempts to hide everything. Toward the end of us living together, she was just “going out” on nights that would have been set aside for family time.

Her actions prompted a lot of questions and I wasn’t going to “protect” my son from the truth. My daughter thinks that, “mommy just stopped loving daddy”, based on whatever conversations the ex had with her. I’ve told my daughter nothing and don’t really plan to until she’s older.

My kids both know that I tried to keep our family together. My son obviously knows this much better than my daughter, and I have some peace of mind that if I were hit by a bus tomorrow that her brother would be able to relate that to his sister so she didn’t grow up thinking her daddy ran off or didn’t love her.

My kids and I are extremely close. We call our gang the “3 Amigos” and we have a special handshake and rules, etc. We have lots of great adventures that have all happened since their mom and I split.

Its not easy or ideal for kids to grow up in a split household - IMO. I don’t like the fact that there is not enough 1 on 1 time with each of them, but I do what I can based on the situation.

I am happier not having my ex in my life. Its hard somedays and I miss the person I married, our connection. But she is gone and I realize just how lucky I am to have my freedom.

The No. 1 thing that I would have done differently at the end, while we still lived together, would have been to just not give in to her. To not accept that she had the right to “have space” and stand up for my own rights and the vows of marriage. I also would have documented her behavior much better and would have involved law enforcement and my attorney much sooner. The situation would have been so much better for me and thats why I recommended you do the same.

Don’t let her control the narrative and your emotions. Stay in control, get informed, get lawyered up and fight for your kids. Don’t chase her. Trust that no amount of talking will fix the situation once she’s continued to keep the affair going. Just as you’re trying to convince her to stay, the other guy is telling her its OK to leave. She’s choosing him. His way is easier, and most people take the easy road. So - choose to lead yourself and your kids in a better direction. Let her go, and if she starts to come around, don’t immediately open up. She has to prove that she wants to reconcile and that its legit.

She may not come around at all, so its better to be prepared and informed and with your kids. Tough love is the only option IMO and you have to stay strong. It works. You may not stay together, but you keep your dignity and that goes a long way in the recovery process.

I’m no expert, and others on this forum have really helped me with my recovery thus far, but you will be OK and your kids will love you and respect you if lead them with by those ideals. Stay strong!

ieatclicks · 2019-08-11T04:38:37+00:00

You have exactly one life to do everything you will do. Act accordingly. Leave.

Title	I need help
Author	Jsjohnson77
Upvotes	1
Comments	8
Date	August 11, 2019 4:18 AM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/coscdr/i_need_help/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/i-need-help.1204928 https://theredarchive.com/post/1204928

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