She left me a year and a half ago. She left when I was at work. I came home to all of her stuff being gone. She was afraid of having the conversation with me because we used to hit each other during the marriage. My parents hit each other before my dad died when I was 12. I promised myself I would never do that but here I am. I hate myself everyday for ever laying a hand on her. I hate that she did not feel safe having the difficult conversation with me. I should have been her safe space. All I see is a monster and I want to die some days.

Things were so toxic but I love her more than life itself. These women on these dating apps aren't worth half a damn. I have had two relationships with decent women but I chewed them up and spat them out.

I have let myself go and put on 30 lb ballooning up to 310. I'm eating my emotions but today I am starting keto and I just got back from the gym and I am trying to pick up the pieces of my life again. I have leaned into playing hockey and reffing games so much that I can barely walk. I have done individual and group therapy for domestic violence. I have learned the errors of my ways but there is nothing I can ever do that will help me forgive myself.

On nights like this it just hurts so bad.