(Burner account) I (35m) think it’s time to end my marriage (to 38f). To a degree I still love her. I know her well, I’ve spent the last 14 years of my life with her. But because I know her so well I can’t see much more hope.

I feel like our marriage was a bait-and-switch. When we were dating she had all sorts of hobbies and passions, she was finishing a college degree on a full-ride scholarship, and had very high libido. After marriage all that disappeared. It feels like she was just putting on a show to obtain a husband. All she has done for most of the marriage is numb herself behind a TV or her phone.

I’m not the most important person in her life - her mom is. She has said this outright. And anytime things get choppy in her life she runs home to her mom.

She’s a financial train-wreck. We lost our first home due to her negligence. She has never stayed on budget - to even request she stay on budget is a bridge to far. She has admitted to faking or exaggerating medical symptoms to get my attention, get me into caretaker mode - costing us tens of thousands of dollars in lost time at work and unnecessary medical bills. She makes large, impulsive purchases.

We can’t communicate. I’ve tried and tried. Literally anything I say - or don’t say - can set her into a meltdown or shutdown. I can’t even ask if she knows where my fingernail clippers are without causing an issue. True story.

We rarely have sex. I’ve had sex maybe 50 times in my 30s. It’s 100% on her schedule. Almost all my advances are rejected. She often vilifies me for my libido, complaining that’s all I ever want - despite everything else I do with and for her. I’ve tried working with her and I’ve waited patiently for over a decade for this to improve - I don’t want to do it anymore. She acknowledges she has a lot of issues here, but simply doesn’t want to work on it, not even with a neutral therapist.

She’s an emotional train-wreck. She is definitely neurodivergent, I likely am as well. At one point a psychiatrist diagnosed her as bipolar. She kept that a secret until after marriage. I’ve tried consistently since the beginning to get her to go to a therapist and she fought me every step of the way until late last year - after persistent thoughts of ending her life. She has called the hotline at least once I know about. I had hope for a bit, but she won’t work on the big hard things and she won’t consistently stay on medications. I’ve tried getting her to come with me to couples therapy for years so we can learn to communicate better, but she refused. She didn’t want to deal with the guilt and pressure, she didn’t want to feel attacked. She finally conceded this year to couples therapy - again, a glimmer of hope - but she is avoiding the homework. And I feel like the bulk of the burden still falls on me - like I’m being coached how to tread a little more carefully on the eggshells. I specifically want to not be treading on eggshells anymore!

I could go on and on. I feel like an asshole, but I’ve got to stand up for myself at some point. This isn’t working for me.

I’m hurt. We have had good times and I know how awesome she can be. But it’s so infrequent… I feel like I’m wasting my life waiting for her.

I’m scared. Her selfishness has the potentially wreck our little family, and me on a deeper level for a long time. I don’t believe I stand a chance getting custody of my kids in a deep-red state. I believe any factual analysis leads to the conclusion I am the better option as primary custodian, but religious states don’t operate on facts. I’m afraid she may end herself in the event of a divorce. I don’t want to see that happen. I REALLY don’t want my kids to have to experience that.

I question myself. Can I just hang on 11 more years until the youngest is grown? Have I screwed myself by waiting this long? Fuck. I don’t know.

I don’t know what to do. I appreciate any advice I can get.