Hey y'all,

I've been going through the divorce process since March of this year. Technically I haven't filed yet, because of issues hiring a lawyer (cost, mostly).

However, my stbx wife and I have been amicable. I told her a while back, if we have to, we'll have to file ourselves and agree on everything. She said that's fine, but she wanted to try fighting for us. I didn't want to (look at my previous posts, it'll give context), but I reluctantly let her get couples counseling set up (this is after trying to get her to go for 5+ years).

She got it set up, and we have been going since the end of May. It was rough. I told her I wanted her to get into therapy as well (I've been in therapy for over a year). She got into therapy. We attended counseling. I set boundaries. We kept going. I was still adamant about getting divorced.

July, while still going to counseling, we decided to separate. She went to her parents, I'm in the house. She's still there today. She was working on finishing her master's degree and becoming a teacher. She got the job, but had a hard time finishing her certification.

Meanwhile, the separation started great for me. But I started getting depressed. I'm not sure what. Maybe the loneliness, even with my son at home. I worked nights, but got transferred to days. I worked on myself, went to the gym, cooked, all of that. I started struggling financially (mortgage went up, I was the only income for a while so nothing really else changed). My depression got worse.

I wondered if I was making the wrong choice in choosing to divorce her. She had been doing great in counseling, in her own therapy. I've seen changes. But I'm still extremely hesitant to let her come back. She's been kind, supportive (checking in on me with my depression, etc.). I'm still extremely hesitant.

I did tell her a while back though she could come back if her parents are getting to be too much (they're not happy about the divorce, and getting ugly about things, even towards her). But she decided to stick it out, trying to find her own place, but still hopeful for us. Still going to counseling.

Things have been civil. Part of me is reconsidering, but I'm extremely afraid of her going back to her old ways. I still want to be separated, because I wanted to maybe date (haven't yet, but been considering just to get out) eventually.

She also quit her job because it was too much (literally way over her head), so she's trying to find something else. I've offered even to pull from my retirement to help her.

The thing is, I do not hate her. But I don't love her, either. So with my depression and confusion, I'm trying to sort my thoughts out. I've been on antidepressants for about a week now, which has helped tremendously, and my therapy has been honestly confusing - my therapist had been sort of backing me up the last year or so when I was prepping for this, but now she's brought up reuniting. I'm like... Wait... What?

So... Yeah. I'm conflicted. I see changes, but I don't know if they're temporary (they've been temporary in the past). Intimacy-wise, I don't feel a connection there, relationship-wise I don't feel like I want a relationship with her, but part of me is second guessing if I really want to file (I'm waiting now for her to get a job). I don't want to be with her if she's the same. I think part of me is also wanting the routine again, but I know it'll be miserable.

I just don't know.