Idk if this even the best place to fully rant about everything but today is just a down day because I’m getting closer to officially filing divorce papers which I never wanted. I just need to get stuff out and write.

STBX came home one Saturday before she was going to start school(going back to be a teacher but dropped out). Asked to talk and of course like you’re my wife let’s talk. “Our life with our child has become so routine, and our sex life is so routine”(she removed or was uncomfortable with things and would routinely stop wanting to do different things). She continued by saying “I know I don’t do things you want but what if we have an open marriage on my(her) side. I’ll be more interested to come home and sleep with you.” To which I said no and she proceeded to tell me all the things I wasn’t good at or I’d “make promises to work on something” such as cut the grass more regularly. Said I didn’t take her on enough dates but when I brought up her excess spending and how we could’ve used that money for those things “that’s a cop out”. I asked that while we work through things that she doesn’t step out. She left the house at 8 asked me to put our child to bed so she could go on a drive. She didn’t get back until 2 am. When she got back she read a letter I wrote her and she said we’re going to work on this and make it through. I started therapy, anxiety medication and reading a book on depression. Then that following Thursday she gets mad at me and then leaves again early. Then Friday she’s crying on the couch and says she did something I’ll never be able to forgive her for and she says she “made out” with this guy both days that she used to work with and had reached out to see how the job was since she was going back there. I begged on my knees in the living room to make it work and she said no to counseling and left the house early to have dinner with SIL(factual). I tried to meet her where she wanted to be, even though I had to sift through my own morals and beliefs, to be completely open and she said “you’re not hearing me I don’t want to be married to you or to anyone and I want to have my own place, do my own thing, and not have to listen to anyone.” At another point she mentioned that her therapist said “she’s been too submissive her whole life…”

She talks about moving out for a few weeks and at one point I ask if she has found a place and she says “it feels like you’re pushing me out.” She then moves out and within 4 she’s already on Tinder with a bio saying “mom by day find out who I am by night. Just got out of a serious relationship.”

Then about 3 weeks ago she tried to come back. Asked to meet for lunch and if I even want to get divorced. I asked what changed and she said she has a dream we didn’t get divorced. She dressed up how I like, ordered me a tea like normal, and started the conversation.

I mentioned at two point that I’ve been sleeping on the couch since everything happened and she said “I figured” then she kept talking. Another point I said “I’m down 17 pounds, in therapy to work through the trauma you’ve given me, and on anxiety medication which has since been upped.” To which she didn’t acknowledge anything and kept talking.

The intro of the conversation was her saying she can’t imagine what she’s put me through. How she has now left her job which will be the 11th job change in 6 years of us being together. That she’s already put herself in a good amount of debt. She said she tried to take her life the week previous. And that she hasn’t lived the best lifestyle since she left.

The middle of the conversation she said the devil made her do it. To which I said that’s not how that works and she said “No that was the devil working in me.” When talking about having guy friends from her new Bible Study and her saying I’d never be okay with them. I said I never had an issue with that it’s that if we were in situations where we feel like it can go further, we should remove ourselves. To which she replied “that’s easier said than done.” She continued about the job portion and said if she has a job for 6 months, 12 months, or 1 month if she hates the job she’s not going to stay because her mental health isn’t worth it. “God will provide” I said he will but you still have to take steps.

The end of the conversation is that I’m so controlling with our child and I’m making her follow a schedule. I’m making her choose between our child and God. Asked her to admit what she did with the first guy and she said “I don’t have to tell you.” Then wound up running out of the restaurant.

Different members from her family have reached out to me because she’ll reach out to them and say I’m doing all these terrible things and then starts being very vague with them to which they’re like that doesn’t sound like him. And I now have the full support of her entire family, mine, and our friends.

In the entire process she has been in and out with our child. Whenever she’s sick, our child is sick, or I’m sick I take care of our child(happily). When she needs a mental break I take care of our child. When she wants to go to all these events I take care of our child.

I’m just so fucking frustrated. Everything falls on me but then it’s I’m controlling. Then as soon as she’s sick and I take care of everything I’m then the best dad ever and she appreciates it so much. It’s a zero sum game that I’m not allowed to escape. I’m working so hard to get through this mess and she either constantly adds to everything or makes little comments that hold no validity because of her actions. This is so scaled back from everything that has happened and been said. I just hate that I’m here, I hate that my child is going through this, I hate that the little family I wanted and coming home to a wife and child has been taken away because she wanted to fuck a bunch of other people. She has purposely played on every fear I had and broken every promise we made even aside from the vows we made.

I hate being lonely and I don’t want to jump into anything but I miss all the regular interactions. The cuddling, the time together, family time, and so much more. I know I need to file I just hate that I’m at this point and having to do it.

Thanks to anyone that reads through this mess that is my life right now. 🙃😮‍💨