so, been married for 9 years, started off fantastic. however, once year 4 hit, everything just died out and it's been a rut ever since. I thought I could live with it, I really did, but after having my best friend telling me he's been watching me crumble, and the jokes I've been making seemingly hitting a bit closer to what I was really feeling, last week just really kicked it for me.

I went out with some coworkers last week, and one of them noticed I was just kinda staring off, so he started asking me about my home life. I realized I didn't really have a good answer for it, and felt so alone, and he proceeded to tell me that it doesn't sound like I'm living, I'm just existing. I don't know why, but that seemed to be the final nail in the coffin, as once I got home, it no longer felt like home.

tried to talk to my mother about it, but she only suggested counseling. I've talked to my wife about this rut repeatedly over the years, tried to do things with her, but it always goes back to "no, I just wanna stay home" and then she just lays down and watches whatever she's watching. I do the cleaning, I play with my stepson, I work on all the vehicles, but we split the bills 50/50. I'm tired of trying to talk, and my mental health has just entirely shattered at this point, so this Friday after she's done working, I'm telling her I'm done, I'm out.

I don't care if she hates me for it, I will slightly care if my step son does, but I keep looking out for everyone but myself and I realized I'm realistically only half a year away to possibly introducing myself to lead poisoning. my anxiety is shooting up because of what might happen on Friday, but I think I just need to focus on myself and just push through it. she gets the house because it's really the only thing tying us together, and personally I never wanted it. I just want out.