Hello All - posted this on another sub, but figured I'd post here too.
31M from NY here--apologies if this is a long one. I'm looking for some advice & support as I feel like my relationship / marriage has become irreconcilable and I'm strongly considering divorce. I don't want to make a rash emotional decision, but I recognize the relationship dynamics as they exist are unsustainable and the thought of what life could look like coming out of this definitely terrifies me.
To give some history, I've been with my now wife for a total 7 years and we just got married this past May. I've come to learn that she had an affair one month after we exchanged vows while on a gig (she's a singer) and that affair continued when she returned home as the other man also lived in NY. She confessed it to me and told me that it has ended, and wants to work on our relationship. Even though I was devastated, I figured I should at least try to give it a real honest shot as in hindsight, a lot of our relationship dynamics were really not right and we were just "cruising."
I made a career transition when we moved up to NY together (I was previously a singer as well) because the reality of being a starving gigging artist started to wane on me. Additionally, I had substantial school debt (275k) - I had initially said that I couldn't afford to move to NY, but her parents (who are very well off) graciously offered to help with some of the rent while I was getting started. As such, I worked aggressively to get my situation under control as I didn't want to take advantage of their kindness. I was very open with them about my finances; showing them spreadsheets of my bills, spending, income, etc. while going through it and by year three I was covering my own expenses (to this point I've paid 215K of the debt off having started from nothing).
Somewhere along the line, the dynamic of our relationship changed and I began to feel like a parent rather than having a partner and I became the go-between for her and her family (they are strict born-again Christians and her relationship with them was very strained).
While I was trying to get my own circumstances under control, she was living way outside her means financially which caused significant tension (I at times helped pay her medical debt, afterpay debt and tried to cover other expenses where I could even though I was financially drowning). There were also mental health issues that remained unaddressed (severe depression, anxiety, panic attacks, OCD tendencies). She said she couldn't afford to see a therapist / psych (although she could afford to order new clothes almost weekly, order in food multiple times per day, etc.). It became increasingly difficult to communicate my needs while also trying to support her.
I was by no means a perfect man prior to the affair, but I wasn't abusive. With all the stress I had stopped taking care of myself (gained 40 lbs, hygiene wasn't what it should have been, reclused and played too much video games, etc.). I didn't balance "dating" her regularly while I was trying to figure out how to be sustainable. And eventually I became increasingly defensive and didn't communicate as well as I should have.
I took a hard look in the mirror and came to terms with a lot of these issues as we were heading into the wedding. I've since lost almost 80 lbs, hygiene isn't a problem, haven't touched my gaming PC in 5 months, I've invested and paid for therapy for both of us (couples and individual), scheduling more dates and am trying to communicate more open / vulnerably.
She has taken some steps to work on herself (trying to pick up more shifts at her day job, she had her first psych appointment and has been going to therapy), but simultaneously has been severely depressed (I've been on 24-hour suicide watch and pushed to get a psych appointment) and projects onto me that I hate her and I don't take accountability for my part in the relationship (says the work I've done is surface-level...)
She says she loves me, didn't think I was capable of the changes I made and was really confused during the affair when she saw them happening.
I think she loves me, but is not "in-love" with me (she said she felt like she "saw colors" for the first time during the affair). She also said she wasn't psychically attracted to me (understandable given how I'd "let myself go"), but even when I was 25 lbs lighter than when we first met I was told I could lose more weight (I'm 6'2" and 185 now - no longer unhealthy). During the affair she screamed every vitriolic thing imaginable to me (I've never once told her that I hate her - even now), but says she was confused and over-corrected.
Her therapist told her that just because she saw "colors" with someone else doesn't mean that she couldn't see them eventually with me and she says she doesn't want to give up on this yet. But I'm now in the prime of my life and I don't know how much longer I can wait to see if she's able to fall "in-love" with me, especially when I see myself still taking the brunt of the blame, spending thousands on therapy for the both of us (again with no contribution from her) and overall feeling unloved and unhappy.
I am definitely nervous about what would lie ahead were I to get divorced. Financially I think I would be fine (we have no kids, assets together and we've only been married for 7 months). Socially the though of starting over scares me--especially since a lot of our mutual friends are people she met through her work.
Sorry for the novel - but would really appreciate some advice / support if anyone has experienced similar things. Peace & Love y'all