My wife and I have been married for almost 17 years. None of them have been easy. I will admit that I have had a lot of problems through our marriage. I’ve done a lot of therapy as I grew up with shitty parents, trauma and abuse. My wife has a lot of hurt from me, though I have never physically harmed her or cheated on her. But I do struggle to open up to her and really let her in to my inner person. It just doesn’t feel ‘emotionally safe’.

For years she would threaten to divorce me every time things went wrong. She would call me a piece of shit, tell me I’m the worst decision she ever made, tell me I’m a horrible husband, etc. She even made me move all my shit to the basement twice in the middle of the night just to make me move it back up right when I was done. I should have seen this coming when we were dating as she would break up with me, have me sitting in tears and then tell me she was just joking. But, I had such low self worth and wanted so badly to just be loved and cared for. Even through our tough times and my mistakes I have always begged for forgiveness and put in so much effort to get her to love me.

A little over two years ago she was surprised one night when I sat down, clearly distraught and said that I had been thinking about things and that I had been beginning to feel like maybe we would be better apart. She had, just a few days earlier, sent me a TikTok of a woman talking about how her life as a child was so much better after her parents got divorced. I had thought about it and taken some time and started to come around to the idea. I was actually astounded when she said she doesn’t want to spilt and she was shocked that I was saying all that. Things have cooled off since then and she did listen to me and she does not threaten to divorce me anymore.
However, we still have no connection. We haven’t had sex in two years and she believes all our problems are bc of me and I am the one who needs to at least initiate all the work.

I have talked to her recently about how all her criticism and threats hurt me and she is understanding but not to the point of apologizing or trying to fix it.

I just don’t know if I want it anymore. We are not close. We don’t connect on anything or have any common interests. We are coparents and basically ‘business partners’ who only talk about family and family business.

We have done counselling on numerous occasions. We have tried different things. I have read books and done a lot of individual therapy.

For the first time in my life I value myself and accept myself for who I am and all my strengths and weaknesses.

I love her but I don’t want the stress anymore. I don’t want to deal with her stonewalling me every time I have negative emotions.

Our situation is complicated though. We have kids with disabilities. We have so much debt. And if I leave I’m basically on my own. She has a solid family and I have no one. But it still feels like it might be the right decision. It will wreak havoc on my kids and I honestly don’t know if she will be even slightly willing to do this amicably.

Part of me thinks I should at least just stay till the kids are 16-18 and part of me thinks we just need to get the inevitable over with and move on.