I've been posting here for almost a year now but wanted to fully post my story so I created a new account going forward so my wife can't trace this all back to me and use it against me in any form.

I was happily single until mid 30s and was open to getting married but not looking for it unless it dramatically improved my life/happiness. When I least expected it, I met a beautiful, smart, fitness/wellness obsessed, independent, hard-working lady that also worked in a different division of a tech company I worked for. We fell hard or each other and married a year later in what was an over the top fairy tale like experience.

She had been married 7 years before (no kids) and had gone thru counseling to work through that because her immediate circle pretty much disowned her :(

We were truly best friends, had two kids pretty quickly. Then we moved to a large metro area for my dream job. It was an amazing break and it allowed her to quit her job and then open up her dream business.

Then it happened. It became pretty clear that she didn't want me to be involved in her business (even though i bankrolled 80%+ of the entry costs). I'm a helper/fixer/solutioner that just didn't want to see her stressed or frustrated. She wanted to prove to herself (and subconsciously her father) that she could be successful without anyone else's help.

I think I subconsciously became emotionally disconnected because in my mind, it was rejection and with the two of us working at different companies now, there was no overlap and she didn't care to know details about my job. So we slowly started drifting without realizing it.

About 7 years in, we realized we always had the "same" argument at a high level. She could come after me verbally with a "You know that you ___ ____ ___ right?" and I fought back with a "are you serious?? you realize that you've been _____ just as much if not more, right?" and it would end with her saying "every time I try to talk to you, you shut me down and invalidate what I say" to which I respond "Literally the only time I do that is when you have unbridled criticisms, that don't start with "I feel like ___" and thus I feel attacked and have never and will never be a door mat."

To top it off, I was taught that "happy wife, happy life" and "pick & choose your battles" so when she'd say petty or passive aggressive digs, I'd just give her the benefit of the doubt and not say anything. I had no idea at the time that I was "ignoring my boundaries" ie whats ok and whats not ok and thus not really making my needs known. And when she'd do that, I thought "what happened to picking and choosing your battles with these petty issues". Essentially I wasn't respecting her boundaries and was also judging her boundaries as "petty" vs acknowledging that in her mind they were HUGE issues. That's on me and I've learned more about not accidentally invalidating what people are saying just because it seems minor to me.

So Covid hit and her businesses tanked but my job is in a recession-proof type industry that only grew from it and work was over the top understandable about employees cutting back hours. She recently admitted that there was resentment about that too even though it was out of control and I'd begged her to come back to this industry for YEARS.

The parent I was closest to died 2 years ago and it put me in a 6 month funk where I became super avoidant and standoffish to everyone to try to numb my pain. She had to pick up the slack majorly during this period and then I saw the wheels shift from a 50/50 marriage to one where she was the mom and now instead of 2 kids, she had 3. No sane person wants to bang their "mom" or "son" so that was the nail in the coffin of a slowroll deadbedroom. Then covid hit and even though work was not affected, my actual job started going downhill for our group (out of our control) and thus I was unhappy with not only my personal life but now work as well (which both of us have always worked way too much because we love what we do and would probably work for free).

So a year later (about 13 months ago) after the end of the worst part of my depression funk she says "I can't do this anymore. I love you but I'm not in love with you and lets be honest, we really dont need each other." I was like "what are you talking about? I seriously don't understand where this is coming from. I'm sitting here in teh worst depression of my life. I needed you and you hung me out to dry and now you're kicking me while I'm done. How could you think that my funk is all about you? Remember you said we would never every threaten the "D" word because this would be your "final marriage" and we would work on things no matter what either of us unintentionally did. Covid has been the straw that broke the camels back for every relationship out there and marriages are dropping like flies because people are freaking out and are seeking escape instead of professional help. I think this is the worst time to make such a life impacting decision like this. Also, remember I told you that if the "D" word was ever whipped out, that could potentially be a no point of return for me since that would signal that one of us has done a 180 in one of our core values."

I've always been in therapy since I was in college because I believe everyone should so you don't overly burden your friends/spouse with topics they're not equipped to handle sometimes. We tried couples counseling back in 2017 but she wanted to stop it because our counselor was neither married nor had children and she couldn't get past that even though he was objectively on point and had the latest research/modalities etc that really worked.

In a last ditch effort, we're going Gottman couples therapy but our therapist isn't that experienced in it and is super unorganized, which is another trigger for my wife. My therapist said to keep doing it because my wife is probably the only one if my life that will be brutally honest with me feedback wise and she's probably right.

Our inability to figure this out has started causing each of us physical pain so I got a 2nd place for us to test a separation where the both of us switch in and out of every few days so the kids don't have to move. I hate to have to live like a college student again because I work so hard to provide a really nice place for both me and the fam. The thought of having two of everything and schlepping back and forth that frequently really bugs me. The lazy part of me just wants to divorce her ass, sell the condo and get on with life since I dont feel like she truly wants to work on the marriage.

She's TRASHED my formerly high confidence level and it took a new awesome job for me to finally get out of my funk a few months ago and get hope again. I know this is a poor me victim mentality statement but she's made me feel like everything from a horrible father (which i'm the exact opposite of in other peoples opinion), to being horrible in bed saying she's faked every orgasm she's ever had with me (true story!), to subliminally trying to control her in her sleep(wtf??!!), to verbally traumatizing her, to being incapable of communicating in an understandable manner :(

Not to float my boat but I've always been one of those peeps that everyones parent wants to set their daughter up with (aka douchebag j/k! lol). I've always been a really happy guy that would do anything for friends, was always the one with a listening ear, have solid EQ and in my marriage do a lot of things that my buddies don't . It's because we wanted to try a "21st century marriage" where both agreed to split duties 50/50 across the board (except for some reason I have always paid for 80% of our expenses since we only have & share just one checking account we both use together but I digress). I read an article recently that said the problem with a 21st century marriage is that we're using 20th century strategies to do it which totally resonates with me because its true for our situation!! :)

And through this process, I've spent 2 years of SUPER hard therapy work digging into emotions/feelings, dialectical behaviour therapy, acceptance and commitment therapy to try to understand my demons and what my wifes triggering inside of me from my past.

I want both of us to figure our own demons out for ourselves and then work together on building a new 2nd marriage thats 10x stronger than the first because of what we are going through. I seriously have ZERO interest or desire in trying to find someone else in the future. Even though she (and we) have been borderline emotionally abusive to each other the past 1-2 years, I still love her and could see myself working through our issues so that icould be potentially emotionally connected to her again too (i'm also an eternal optimist but not over the top like ted lasso).

But I also have healthy pride and will not be taken advantage of or made a fool. I won't let my kids be treated by any female like this in the future and will lead by example in as healthy a way as possible. This is the negative marriage pattern that I grew up witnessing and then predictably attracted and the buck stops here.

Does anyone here resonate with any of this and have any advice based on what you experienced or heard about working for your buddies. I'm a data nerd so bonus point for published research LOL Oh and I should mention that I'm butt hurt from celebrity "researchers" like Gwyneth Paltrow on Goop since my wife cited that ridic conscious uncoupling article as her inspiration for what we should do.

thank you!! I already feel better by typing this out